‘I know you are. I don’t say it but I am glad that you are.’
Fifteen words. That is all it takes for Kaiyo to reel me back in. To flood my brain with her memories, to make my skin remember the feel of her touch and to make my heart flutter. It is uncanny how some people can do that to you; you don’t even remember when you gave them enough power to ride over your senses but there they are, making life miserable and better all at the same time. I hadn’t spoken to Kaiyo since I last saw her at my office over a year ago. Yes, we worked with the same company, at the same office. Nobody quit their job; that happens only in the movies, but we were moved to different floors a week after our rendezvous and yes, that is what had made all the difference. I am not sure if that had been me turning lucky for the first and the last time but I was utterly glad that that had happened. I didn’t know if she had it in her but after the note she left me the last time we were in the same room I knew I definitely didn’t have it in me to walk into her at the office canteen and pretend like nothing had happened, nothing had changed. So when I got news from Louis that Kaiyo was being moved five floors above following a promotion I know she had waiting for, for more than a year to that day, I was happy for her and for myself. My self-preservation mode had been at an all-time high then; I know because just after I had gotten news of this recent development I had walked into my office with a smile on my face and blurted out loud, ‘Now you won’t have to see her at work.’ That I am sure had only been my mind trying to protect my heart from further damage. But all of that didn’t matter now because Kaiyo had texted and I was back to square one, replaying conversations in my head we had had years ago and trying to figure out that exact moment where I had lost her.
I had been working late at the office, like any other day, when Sara asked to see me. Sara was Kaiyo’s new intern. Well, not so new anymore; she’d been working with her for more than seven months now but her designation still read intern and therefore for us, she was still new. Kaiyo I didn’t see at all after she moved her office but Sara I saw often. Not only were Sara and Louis dating, which couldn’t have gotten any messier than it already was, but unfortunately for me and fortunately for Kaiyo, it was Sara who’d drop by at Louis’s workplace during her breaks than the other way around. Not that Louis was chained to his desk but he had an odd fear of elevators. That one ride up to our office floor in the morning was enough to keep him on edge for at least half the day. And because Sara loved the elevator rides and her boss was a little more lenient with her taking breaks than I ever would be with my interns, I got to see her, everyday, without fail, at least once in the day. So I wasn’t particularly surprised when I saw her hang out outside my office for a bit but she asking to see me made me wonder what was up.
Sara: Hey, Ms. Mugen. How are you? I hope I am not disturbing you but this is important. I couldn’t think of anybody else who could help so I came to you. You got a minute?
She hadn’t walked in yet. She was standing at the door, holding it open behind her in case she thought I’d ask her to go away maybe. I keep looking at her. I try to think of what it could possibly be that she couldn’t think of anybody else to help her with but me. I absent mindedly ask her to come in and close the door behind her. I can feel my brain registering her walking into my office and taking a seat opposite I but I also know that I am still looking.
Sara (clears her throat): Ms. Mugen, are you sure you got a minute?
I am brought back to my senses when she makes that sound, like a frog croaking. I apologize for staring, ask her about her work and then move on to know what she requires my services for.
Sara: I am doing well. Just two more months and I wouldn’t be an intern anymore. Junior Associate sounds so much better, doesn’t it?
I emptily agree, smile an encouraging smile and do my best to share her excitement. I wonder if Louis has a big night planned for her, for two months later when she finally gets to move up the ranks at work, before he gets to. He isn’t the male chauvinist type, I say to self, but then again he is a man after all. She continues to talk about how she has had a great time at work, getting to learn and grow. I am thankful she doesn’t bring Kaiyo up anywhere in her mindless banter and for that very reason let her continue for another good ten minutes. She seems to have a lot to talk about and I can see her make herself comfortable. I cannot have her settle in and narrate her life story to me, not today, not right now. She is a lovely person but I am not much of a talker and I have loads to get done today at work. I ask her again why she’d wanted to see me so late at work and wait for her to unravel the mystery.
Sara: Oh yes, I almost forgot. I am sorry; once I get talking I sometimes lose track of time. It’s to do with Kaiyo. I need some help. Will you help me?
She needed my help and it was to do with Kaiyo and she had said that she hadn’t been able to think of anybody else to ask. I panicked. I hadn’t spoken to Kaiyo in almost forever. I saw her in passing a couple of times-a meeting here, a ride in the elevator there with her and six-seven other people but not otherwise, not alone. We had become infamous for skipping every social event or gathering since us choosing to go our separate ways and now nobody even bothered to invite us. I didn’t mind and I am sure she didn’t either. I always wondered though what she was up to when she wasn’t at the Monthly Social Meet for the senior associates at office or at the Annual Charity Ball. And though all I ever wanted and want and always will, is for her to be happy, I always wished somewhere that she wasn’t with anybody else. I know, it’s a nasty thought but it was one I couldn’t keep from. Because her not being with anybody else meant that I could skip a few gory images that would otherwise haunt me all day, all night. Kaiyo not next to me I could still deal with but even the thought of her with somebody else made me sick. I never meant for her to be alone and miserable, just single and fabulous. I realize I have zoned out once again on Sara and get back to her before she can say anything else.
Me: Is everything alright? Is Kaiyo okay? Yes, I will help. What is wrong? And what is it that only I can help you with?
Sara: Oh, nothing is wrong. You don’t have to worry. Kaiyo is doing great and she too is looking forward to get rid of me as her intern, in a good way of course. I am sorry if I gave you the wrong idea.
With each passing word out from Sara’s mouth I begin to breathe better. I calm down and get rid of the horrid expression on my face. Kaiyo was okay, she was doing great and there was nothing to worry about. But if that was the case, what was it that Sara needed my help with. I can’t wait any longer and ask her to get to the point at once.
Sara: So, getting down to it, what I need your help with is getting in touch with Kaiyo’s father. I have looked everywhere but I can’t seem to get hold of any of her personal details. I mean I have her birthday, her social security number, her address and other basic information in place but nothing to do with her family. I know her father hasn’t been doing well for a few months now and I wanted to get in touch with him and find out how he was doing. I know it might seem absurd that I’d want to check up on Kaiyo’s dad but I have to. He’d been the one who had helped me out when my mother had been sick almost all of last year with hospital visits and settling the bills and now I want to know if I can help out in any way. He is a nice man, reminds me of my father a little. That’s all. I figured you’d have some information that could help me out. Do you?
Me: Have you tried asking Kaiyo? I am sure she wouldn’t mind sharing her father’s contact number.
I did not see that coming. That is what she had needed my help with. A phone number? Seriously? For a second I thought there was something more than what was Sara letting on. Maybe he wasn’t just sick. Maybe the end was near. I do not want to go there but my morbid self can’t help it. But I do genuinely wonder why Sara hasn’t reached out to Kaiyo about this. Why does she think only I can help? I decide to investigate a little before I give her what she wants. She hasn’t answered my question and is beginning to get fidgety.
Me: What is wrong, Sara? Did I say something I shouldn’t have? Are you sure everything is okay? And that Kaiyo is okay? Because you know you can tell me, right? Whatever you share with me, I promise, will stay between the two of us.
She is still a little tensed which is starting to make me nervous but I do a far better job hiding it than her. I decide to give her a little time and sit there, waiting, for her to tell me what the matter was truly.
Sara: Umm…Okay. I guess I can trust you with this. But you have to promise that this doesn’t leave the room.
Me: You have my word, Sara. I promise. Now tell me what this is all about, and don’t leave anything out. Your silence is only making me nervous.
I can see her body posture shift. I know I have her in confidence and she is ready to let me in on this mystery. I brace myself for the worst and the most bizarre. I have not even the slightest idea what this could be all about. I cuss at myself for not having stayed in touch with Kaiyo. How silly we had been. Not even an email had been exchanged. Our work also had no common ground for us to indulge in a conversation, and after her promotion, all possibility had been lost. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so uptight about it. A text couldn’t have hurt anybody. Or sharing a meal. I mean, it wasn’t like we had given up on lunch or dinner. We could have shared a meal together, maybe once in a blue moon if not every weekend. But love and loss does that to you. It leaves you stupid. You do silly things, that make no sense, and somehow you also succeed in making yourself believe all of the vague and idiotic explanations you come up with in your head to account for your actions and attitude and behavior. Love was a two-edged sword; it was lethal and life-giving, all at once.
Me: Sara, I am waiting. Come on now, spill the beans. It can’t be that bad.
I can’t give her any more time or space. I am running out of patience. I don’t want to push her too hard but I will go there if she decides to stay shush like that. I am about to get up from her chair and walk over to her around the desk when she hurriedly gets up and almost runs toward the door to leave. I am confused and more than that, I am scared. What the hell was going on?
Me: Sara, wait. Where are you going? What is it?
Sara: You know what, never mind. I’ll figure something out. It can’t be that difficult to get hold of a phone number around here. I’ll get in touch with Mr. Lambert. I am sure he’ll know. I am so sorry to waste your time but I have to leave. Umm…I have to get home to my mother. It’s my turn to make dinner tonight. I am sorry I bothered you. Just forget that I was here today. Just forget it.
And she is gone. I want to run, catch up with her and demand an explanation for all that has just happened but I can’t move; I can’t move a muscle and my head starts to spin. What did she mean by all of that? I should forget that Sara had stopped by tonight? And that she had asked about Kaiyo’s father? I was dazed and didn’t know what to do. I walked back to my chair, sat down and took a deep breath. I didn’t want to ask Louis if he knew what was up with Sara or Kaiyo because right now any more information falling into my lap felt like it would only make me worry more than help. I clear my head in a jiffy and decide to get down to it. There was nobody stopping me from helping myself. I ask Louis to come into my office and he does, at once. I instruct him to take the day off the next day and have him update Kim with my schedule. He is utterly confused with me granting him a leave in the middle of a busy week but he doesn’t fight it much. I also am not sure of my purpose of keeping him away from the office but I do it nonetheless. I figured if I’d wanted to poke a bear or two around the office it would be best if Louis wasn’t around to stop me from doing crazy things. Sara must have left without a word because I was convinced after talking to Louis that he didn’t know what had happened. He leaves and I can hear him make a phone call. Maybe he is calling Sara, making plans for a movie and dinner now that he had twenty four hours to himself. I close my eyes, lean back onto my chair and think of Thumper waiting for me at home. I pack up right after I hear Louis make an exit and decide to walk back home instead of taking the car. I ask the driver to pick up my dry clean and also grocery shop. I hand him a list, dump my bag and files into the back seat and change into my sneakers. I am glad I have a pair hidden away in my car for contingencies of any kind. He pulls over to get onto the road and I wave Liam a goodbye. As soon as he is out of sight I pull out my phone from the coat pocket and text Kaiyo- How is your dad doing? I know it’s been a while but I thought I’d check in with you. You know I am here if you need anything, right? Maybe not the smartest thing for me to have done but I do it anyway. And then I wait.
I start walking east towards Simone’s. The last time I was there was some two months ago. He had always been an amazing baker but never convinced that he could make a living out of it. It was until one fine day almost three years ago when Kaiyo and I sat him down and pushed him just enough that he let us invest in him. The store was operational in the next three months after that one conversation over coffee and a success in another three. He had the best team on board working with him and that made the transition for him much easier than he’d anticipated it to be. Stepping out of one’s kitchen at home and getting into the business was a big deal, but as was expected of him Simone didn’t fail us and has since then managed to do quite well for himself.
It was empty when I got to the store; no customers, the usual mix of banter and good music was not to be heard. I hadn’t realized it was close to 1 am in the night. They were getting ready to close for the day. Luckily, Simone was in and I ushered my way into his office at the back of the store. Once the usual pleasantries were exchanged we sat down on the sofa that lined the furthest wall of the room and he asked Kim to bring us two cups of strong, steaming black coffee-no sugar. Kim was Simone’s go-to guy at the store. If Simone wasn’t around then Kim would play leader for the day. He was a nice guy- healthy, always smiling and a great swimmer. Kim didn’t mind entertaining Simone and I so late into the night. He didn’t have a family to go back to or kids to tuck in at night or a wife who would hate him for working late. He was a loner; he was that guy. He loved his work and idolized Simone. Kim and I had instantly hit it off when he’d been brought on board Simone’s team.
He left us to talk some more and made his way into the kitchen. I knew Simone and Kaiyo were close friends; Simone’s sister Natasha had once upon a time dated Kaiyo and that’s how the two of them had made acquaintance. The relationship hadn’t lasted more than two months but Simone and Kaiyo had become very comfortable by then and their friendship hadn’t taken a hit from the break-up. If something wasn’t right with Kaiyo or her dad then I was sure that Simone of all people would definitely know the truth. I made my intention of stopping by very clear to him the second we had the office to ourselves. I confessed I was also there to pick up some of his very famous homemade Choco-Chip and Mint Cookies; they were the best you could get anywhere in town and I had run out of my stock a week ago. I explained to him my rather unusual conversation with Sara and inquired if he knew anything about what she’d been talking about.
Simone: Umm…That is definitely unusual. Who is this Sara again?
I could talk to him about this- no hesitation, no inhibition. He was the one person who’d been in on all that had gone down between Kaiyo and I; he knew it all. Time and again, both she and I had checked in on the other through Simone. He played the common link. We weren’t together anymore but that didn’t mean we had stopped caring or stopped loving. And no questions asked, no unwanted advice given, Simone would answer our questions about the other and we’d never talk of that conversation again. He was a good friend, to her and me. I jogged his memory about who Sara was and asked him again if he had even the slightest idea about what she had said.
Simone: Mugen, I am sorry, but I can’t help you. I don’t know why Sara would ask you for Kaiyo’s dad’s details and I definitely don’t understand why she’d think that only you could help her. I met Kaiyo for lunch last Tuesday and she didn’t say anything about her dad being sick again. I am not sure what you are looking for here. I can give you a box or two, if you want, of the cookies, but that is all I can give you right now. I am sorry.
Simone excused himself to attend a business phone call and left me alone in his office with nothing to go on with except my mind that was starting to kick itself into overdrive with each passing second. He seemed genuinely sad for not being able to help me out and as confused as I had been when Sara had first brought up Kaiyo’s dad and him being sick in our conversation back at my office. Maybe Sara was just mistaken, a victim of false news doing the rounds at office. That happens sometimes. Maybe it was just that. Her concern for Kaiyo’s dad I didn’t dare question, I knew her well. She was a sincere kid, and Mr. Jung had indeed helped her immensely when her mom had been sick. It was only natural for her to worry if she had her hands on news that he hadn’t been keeping well. Kim returned with two cups of coffee and didn’t linger. A polite nod in my direction and he left. I heard him pack up, hand over the store keys to Simone and leave. Now it was just him and I. I hadn’t told Simone I had texted Kaiyo because I knew exactly how he would react to that and I was in no mood to deal with Simone flipping out on me at 2 am in the night.
Simone: Here you go. I hope that’s enough to last a month. (He chuckled and handed me not two but three boxes of the cookies I had asked for.)
Me: Thanks Simone, you are the best. And you are sure that all is okay with Kaiyo and her dad is as fit as a fiddle? You’d tell me if something was up, wouldn’t you? Even if Kaiyo’s asked you to stay quiet about it?
Simone: Mugen, calm down. I don’t know why whatever Sara said back at your office has you so worked up but everything is okay. You know I don’t lie. And you also know that if something wasn’t right with Kaiyo you’d be the first one who I would call for help, despite how things have been between you two lately. I know you aren’t together, but I also know that you haven’t stopped loving each other.
Me: Yes, you are right. I am sorry and I should calm down. I’ll just call Sara in tomorrow at work and clear the air. She must have heard something silly at work.
Simone and I catch up a little. We talk about work, the weather, the upcoming elections, and our parents. We are both happy to know that all is good in our lives and that nothing out of the usual crazy is up. I give him a tight hug, thank him for the coffee and the cookies and apologize for kinda ambushing him into a short Q&A in the middle of the night. He walks out with me and locks up the store behind us. His ride is waiting to take him home and he offers to drop me on his way back. It is 3:30 am and I am exhausted. I readily comply and we quietly share a ride to my apartment. We reach in a mere fifteen minutes and Simone waves me goodbye. I ride up the elevator, get inside my house and go straight to the washroom to take a shower. I am all lathered up and singing James Arthur covers when my phone beeps. It’s a text message. It’s a reply- from Kaiyo.
‘I know you are. I don’t say it but I am glad that you are.’
That was it. And I was back to square one.