That day, you found yourself on a crossroad. You were tired and scared. You were standing on a crossroad and you couldn't recognize the path. That day, you wore a shadow costume and turned your back on your past.
You wanted to forget all that had happened, which emptied you of all that you had, your ambition, your will, your barely there emotions. You wanted to be away, where nobody would recognize you, where people wouldn’t wait for you to mess up. Locking yourself up, trying to visit parts of your brain which you knew you shouldn’t, was becoming something hard to control. You were becoming so preoccupied with your thoughts that it started interfering with your daily life. That was when you realised you were in trouble. You resigned into your own little bubble.
Once you were in there long enough, you did not want to leave. It was becoming addictive. It was like the world was a stage and you were in the audience. You were just watching. You were watching and predicting, as to what would happen next, some days you even went out of your way to warn people about what was coming. Nobody paid heed but at least you tried. It was followed by the complete reduction of your passionate emotions to a dull farce of a response, and that was the worst.
You couldn’t tell what was right and what was wrong, if the path was right or wrong, if you were right or wrong. You couldn’t tell the meaning of journeys and destinations anymore. You looked for a while at the foggy clouds, as if you were looking at yourself. Nothing made sense.Sleep deprived, caffeine overdosed you just couldn’t function.
That day you weren’t feeling like enough.
There'd be days when you wouldn't feel like going on. You don't need to seek endless validation. You can afford not to eat ice cream and tell yourself that you're a beautiful special butterfly. Just let yourself not be enough. You don’t have to listen to anybody who tells you to stop your melodrama and get back to being the cheerful individual they consider you to be. You’re not obligated to please them. You cannot put your feelings on the backseat and try to drive others places.
The thing is -you’re allowed to not be enough sometimes. You’re allowed to be halfway, on a crossroad, all the way to nowhere. You’re allowed to be in the processing of figuring it out.
The intense pressure you put on yourself to be happy or sorted is ridiculous. Nobody is all of the way to somewhere they want. The desire to do better, be better, change your life for the better is what keeps you moving forward. And that means that you're going to have days when you're a little unhappy with where you're at. Those days are important. They matter. They’re a part of the process that makes you into a better version of yourself.
So if today is one of those days for you, if you're confused, if you’re exhausted, if you’re scared, don’t beat yourself up over your lack of self-confidence. Don’t feel as though you’ve failed to live up to some impossible standard of endless contentment and sky-high self-esteem. You’re human. You’re fallible. You don’t have it all figured out and that’s okay.