The moment I've been dreading and praying for has finally come. With tired hands, caffeinated body, and aching soul, I write to you for the last time. It's a promise I made not to you, but to myself and I'm going to mean it this time unlike those days when I wrote about wanting to stop writing but ended up scribbling in my phone's Notepad everytime the thought of you sprout out from my mind. I hope I get to tell you everything I wanted to say before my words for you will be caged somewhere at the farthest and darkest corner of my heart.
Tonight, I'm going to say/write a prayer.
Adoration:
To my dearest Gatas in this coffee-is-life industry, you are one hell of a man! You have the most enticing eyes I've ever seen. You have the sweetest lips I've ever tasted. You have the most charming face I've ever stared at. You have the warmest hands I've ever held on. You have the most peaceful arms I've ever been to. You have the most weakening voice and words I've ever heard. You have the sexiest chats I've ever received. You have the hottest touch I've ever felt. You have... my heart. I know you aren't the best but believe me when I tell you that I don't know why I adore you this much. If I know, I may have already stopped praising you like a god. Talking about you seems like the easiest thing to do on earth but the hardest part as well. As easy as narrating the story of my favorite novels and as hard as an unannounced quiz on Science or Math. I like you so much and I hate it so much. Yes. So much. No neutrals. No in-betweens. No mediocres. Do you know why I call you beautiful? It's because beauty doesn't come from my eyes but instead, from my somersaulting heart. Well, this cardiac muscle is a slave for you.
Contrition:
Forgive me.
I'm sorry for being too much to handle since the beginning. I'm sorry for being so annoying everytime I send you messages out of the blue. I'm sorry for being so demanding everytime I ask you to come and fetch me. I'm sorry for wasting your time everytime we spend the night or dawn together. I'm sorry for writing about you everytime the words won't come out from my mouth. I'm sorry for remembering you everytime I hear sad love songs. I'm sorry for thinking of you everytime I read heartbreaking prose and poetry. I'm sorry for crying everytime I miss you. I'm sorry for getting drunk everytime I'm frustrated of myself because of you. I'm sorry for dancing 'til dawn everytime I want to embrace you. I'm sorry for loving you and for not being the girl you love. I'm sorry I wasn't enough.
Thanksgiving:
Thank you for being a blessing. Thank you for coming in to my life and made your stay worthwhile. Thank you for the butterflies I have in my stomach everytime I think of you. Thank you for the smiles you put on my face everytime I catch a glimpse of you. Thank you for the giggles everytime you flatter me with sweet words. Thank you for the bliss everytime we kiss. Thank you for the warm peace everytime we embrace. Thank you for taking me to heaven everytime you touch me in the right places. Thank you for bringing back the art I once lost. Thank you for being the words I've written joyfully and painfully. Thank you for making me happy.
Supplication:
It will be hypocrisy if I won't try to ask you to love me back. Who wouldn't want that, anyway? I've daydreamed countless times about it, honestly. My imaginations had gone far making me crazy over the possibilities. I dreamt of sending you surprise love notes everyday. I dreamt of kissing you good night every morning. I dreamt of greeting you good morning every night. I dreamt of cooking or making meals for you. I dreamt of eating our favorite foods together. I dreamt of watching movies with you. I dreamt of you teaching me how to play your favorite mobile game. I dreamt of debating over anything with you. I dreamt of listening how your day went under warm sheets. I dreamt of hearing your childhood memories on our way to your hometown. I dreamt of long walks on the beach with you. I dreamt of afternoon rides anywhere with you. I dreamt of pillowfights with you. I dreamt of living everyday with you. I dreamt of boasting to everyone that you are mine. I dreamt of you loving me more than I love you. At first it tastes like a triple chocolate cake but at the end of the day, it tastes much bitter than ampalaya. I always end up crying thinking about the 'could have been's of us if your heart would've just chose me. It fucking hurts all the damn time. So now I won't ask or beg you to make all of my daydreams come true. Not anymore.
All I want and pray to God right now is to make you a distant memory. I want that everytime I remember you, I would laugh and cringe over the stupid things I did. I want to move on and start anew. I want to stop living everyday with you on my mind and in my heart. I want to get over you.
The girl you love or you will love must be so lucky. I hope she will treat you right and will never cheat on you. I hope she will cherish every split second with you through ups and downs. I hope she will love you despite your flaws and shortcomings. I hope she will see what I saw in you.
I've always wanted to make you happy but I guess I couldn't do that. I hope she does or she will.
Goodbye, My Gatas. Let's not meet again.
Amen.