Here I am thinking about looking back at the kind of life I had before, this is quite bloodcurdling to let the mind do some flashbacks. I was being the clueless little girl born in this world; everything seemed so light, often appeared lively for there was a scarcity of worry
I was living my childhood life not knowing my real purpose, not knowing what I want to become, too ignorant of the mediocrities in the globe, even dependent on the idea of the presence of my parents will always be there to cope with my immaturity
Pain was as shallow as my past juvenile perception of life; I got hurt only by running freely to grasp something from my playmates, I got mad only when noticing changes in my display of toys
I was enjoying the dirt in my hands and on my face, not even caring what I look like or what hygiene is, I was too attached to my orange pillow with a smell of spoiled milk and saliva dried into it and I even did a persistent sucking of my pointing finger until I reached the end of my elementary years
At first, the idea of a private school where I spent my high school years just scared me to the point I felt doubtful of my ability to survive or to meet such standards since I was not known as consistent at excelling on academics
Facing fears, meeting new mentors, those exciting, dull, embarrassing, tiring and fulfilling hours, creating and mending friendships, and completion of a secondary level, are all proofs that life is not greedy after all. It is meant to give memories worth remembering and wisdom to penetrate into unforeseen adversities
However, while I was working on my goals, I was enduring the pain of overwhelming truths. This chapter of my story was too painful to be forgotten. I kept those truths and fighting those aches for I badly wanted to preserve my family. I was coward to blurt out my sentiments but brave enough to keep them to myself.
I was being selfish to myself but not to my beloved ones. For many times, I chose to sacrifice my own happiness just to protect their hearts from anything destructive.
I wasn’t receiving awards for being the best actress for acting blind after knowing hurtful truths, for keeping them to save such hearts from breaking into pieces.
Maybe it is right to say that, some things within the chapters are not meant to be perfect because our imperfection tells they couldn’t be perfected. That’s how life and people surprises us.
I thought, keeping such lies of my beloved would be enough to save my family but it was a foolish idea but not entirely a stupid decision. Because I didn’t find it wrong to stay, to choose to love even when I’m seeing flaws, to patiently wait and believe that everything will be alright when one realizes his mistakes and decides to rectify them, to be hopeful that what’s special and sacred is meant to linger no matter what happens
There was this moment when our world started to tremble, aggravated souls were in haste to end their promise of forever, and weak souls were speechless and reluctantly agreed to a kind of leaving
The momentary act of saying goodbye is still clear. My air of silence was terrifying for I killed my chance to say words that could have mend something. I should have at least cried out my desire to keep an intact family. I should have at least tried to unleash my bravery.
Seeing my father walking away from home was a scene of tragedy. No attempt of looking and going back. It made me feel as if half of me was slowly dying while the other was staying alive maybe to torment me for the rest of my days and nights
This chapter is giving me endless tears within. I may not be crying and feeling hurt all the time, but there’s a speck of wound nailed that all of a sudden, it bleeds.
It’s such a heck how everything has changed. It seems that I’m just doing a routine everyday but when I try to look back at everything that happened and at the person I was, it’s and I’m totally different now.
Like, when I suddenly get to remember the times that I was riding in a motorcycle with my father. But now, I get to school every day and get to arrive at home every night without his help, without his presence.
Unlike before, I already understand the reluctance of my mother to mend what’s broken, and to reach out to the one who left.
Unlike before, I cried over feelings that I could not express to someone I admire for so long, such thing somehow made me poetic
Unlike before, I care about what I look. But I get to handle my insecurities well.
Unlike before, I care much about having goals, I care much about doing what I love, I care much about being successful and happy, I care much about giving back something remarkable to my beloved ones, I care much about doing things showing commitment to what I value
Unlike before, I’m seeing such inhumanities that are happening in our society and I sometimes feel the need to help and fight for what is right but I’m not in a position and I don’t have enough courage to do it.
Unlike before, I care much about whatever and whoever is there should be sincerely cherished which I was able to realize out of the absence of a father
Unlike before, I care much about moving on despite of scars and not giving up no matter what.