A sense of calmness ensues. Rest and quiet, which had been evading me for a while, are back now and I am heartily looking forward to this shift in state of being. I wonder if this return bears a cost that maybe I am not able or strong enough to bear but I decide not to grant center stage to that train of thought. What I gain shouldn't make me lose more than I can give and right now I am clueless about which way this give and take is heading towards.
You asked me not to wait, for you. You told me that if a possibility ever arose between me and somebody else, I shouldn't hesitate and definitely take it up. Because us was a matter of when, not if, and even though you wanted with all your heart for the two of us to give each other a shot with a relationship, you said you couldn't right now because that when wasn't today and you didn't know if we'd ever get to a point when the time would be right. And so I paid heed to your words, devouring each syllable with care and respect and made a promise to self to not wait, seek, and find, that odd possibility you had pointed out to.
It's a different story that my no waiting and not active seeking did actually lead me to not finding anyone, and so when you came back, I was right where I had been when we had last spoken. The reconciliation took some time and effort and energy and communication but we fell back easily into our old ways; such is love I believe. It changes and molds us in its absence too and maybe that time apart, though unexpected, had been essential for the both of us. And today, as we find ourselves in a situation where we must decide who or what the two of us are or wish to be, I can't help but rid myself of all our past conversations, some good and others not so much, your words and mine nagging at me endlessly for attention, to make room for fresh conversation and considerations. And that's the thing about people who mean everything they say. They think everyone else does too. Khaled Hosseini is right. I think you do, mean everything you say, and that is why there is nothing but conflict and polarized thoughts jumbling up my head, causing me to fail to deduce a definite and true conclusion.
Do we do this or not do this? Is time demanding us to be smart and adult and wanting that we walk away to save ourselves from impending doom or is it our moment to celebrate recklessness and spontaneity? The hurt in my chest, the fear in my soul and the pain in my eyes, then and now, is not the same but it hasn't vanished. I don't have the same questions to ask, the same concerns to share or the same doubts to clarify but I continue to harbor, despite me hating that I do, questions, concerns and doubts about you and us. So tell me, love, what is your then and now? Because I would love, more than anything, to hear you speak, what you truly mean.