It’s been exactly 1,825 days since I’v seen you.
And things are happening, and they are not good.
I know now you don't even think about me. And why would you? You have a different life now..a life of which am not a part of. I never was maybe. I was that foolish girl who loved you without asking anything in return even though you gave me enough reasons to not love you.
I still remember the last time we met. You came to meet me with your new girlfriend. To show me what? That she is better than me? That I don't deserve you? I still don't know what made you change your mind. Maybe I failed to be your girl, maybe I failed to make you happy.
You broke up with me saying "I'm not the perfect guy for you, you deserve better."
Like really?
Instead you could directly tell me that "I no longer feel the same for you"..I guess that would be less hurting, no?
You don't know where you have led me to. You don't know how worthless you made me feel.
And the worst part is you know what? I can never tell you all these terrible things face-to-face. And also you will never know that I ever wrote this letter to you. You will never know how I feel. I wish someday I gather enough courage to tell you that how left out you made me feel & despite that how much I still love you.
It has been almost 5 years, damn FIVE fucking years !! Time flew by like a running train but my feelings for you still stay strong no matter what. I am still that stupid little girl whom you once left & moved ahead in life, still standing exactly there where you left me behind. I am still the silly girl whom you once said you loved, still that heartbroken girl who cries silently over you & over the times long gone. Maybe I can never tell you how much you mattered to me then & how much you still do. You have a perfect life now, sorted person you are, happy with life, and trust me that makes me happy too. But not having you in my life simply sucks no matter how much strong I pretend to be. Sometimes I wonder if I ever mattered to you, I wonder if you had ever loved me..even for once.
It kills me to think that you’ll never hold my hand again or comfort me with your presence. Those times are long gone. And u know what? I still blush like an idiot when someone mentions your name, and I still have your pictures safely locked in my phone gallery. I don't know what would you call me after knowing all these [if ever you come to know] Call it madness, call it love, call it the beating of my heart..its all the same for me. Maybe be am mad..but this is how I am.
Not that I did not try to move on, I tried with every possible way to get you out of my bloody head, but nothing ever happened. I got hooked up with couple of guys after you, but I ended up comparing everyone with u & that’s how I complicate things every time. I look for you in everyone I meet. And that’s why I never move on. I just keep finding different versions of you to keep myself sane but shit!! All other men seem pale beside you.
I have now accepted the fact that you are never coming back again, not in this life time atleast. You know, I did not feel bad when I saw you with her. Because I understand why you chose her..she makes you happy & that’s something I couldn’t do. I never disliked your girl or hated her..but yes I was little jealous of her [actually little too much] because she was dating the man of my dreams. But all I wanted was happiness for you. And that’s why I never ever tried to come between you two & I didn’t even have any intention of doing so. I was happy seeing you doing well with her. That’s it.
Sometimes I wonder if I can ever wipe you off my life the way you did to me, but I guess that’s never going to happen. You have always been, still are & will always be the one who shines up my night sky. In my black & white world you were the only thing that was grey. I can never forget someone who taught me how to love, someone who made me fall in love with him. You’ll always be the one for me, not because I have not found someone like you, but because I feel a part of me is still in love with you & that love is enough for me to live a lifetime, even if that means without you.
I hope someday I can tell you all these & tell you how much I miss you & how much I want to see your face again.
I believe in karma and I believe people get what they send out to the world, but I never wish that pain upon anyone, especially you. No matter how much broken you made me feel it is still you for whom my heart beats & I can never hate you even though I know I should.
Take care, little boy! There is someone in this wide world who silently wishes the best for you! And lastly, it has been ages since I said this to you that I love you!
Stay safe, stay happy!
Goodbye :)