This is what happened when I finally decided put my heart out in a piece of paper :
I just came to the realization that some people are meant to be sad their entire life
Nothing new happens , no happy moments , just stupid laughter now and then and each time I feel like things are going to get complicated I flash that stupid smile so people won’t ask me why am sad ,
I spend almost 20 years of my life living each day like I m going to die
There is no day that I felt pure happiness , it’s all fake its almost happiness and everyone know that almost doesn’t count
I hate second places , I hate everything that is not the first I have a disease called perfection and I hate it , I keep torturing myself , pushing , and convincing myself that I will never br good enough for anyone or in anything ,
I don’t learn form my mistakes , instead I keep repeating them till they become choices
My failures kill me , torture me , cut le like a knife ,
I don’t let others punish me I do it by myself , I don’t feel satisfied till I see blood mixing with pure pain , till I feel numb and kill that feeling !!
I am always hard on myself , I always say that am not worth it , I don’t deserve to be happy , am a worthless piece of shit filled with pure hatred and revengeful soul
It’s not my fault that I am like that , it’s theirs , they made me be like that ,
I sometimes ask myself why do I hate them so much , why do I hate myself ,? I don’t get an answer because that’s who I am , a mess!!!!
I have so much hate , anger , sadness in me
I want to die but am too coward to do it instead I torture myself by it
They say people don’t die from suicide , they die from sadness
I will keep writing till I feel empty , numb and like there is no other thing to say
Am too full with these feelings and I can’t keep them inside , they kill me and I let them do it