Thoughts I Had While Being Frozen To Death.

I don’t have much time left, so I’ll catch you up on the events so far.

I woke up 30 minutes ago in a walk-in freezer. What’s a walk-in freezer? I don’t have time to explain that. Just imagine if a refrigerator’s freezer was an actual room, kind of like something a classy upscale restaurant would have. But this one, isn’t in a restaurant. So forget I said that. Because it’s completely empty. There are no tables, no shelves, no chairs, nothing. Just a huge metal door, four walls, and a floor on which I found myself lying on.

I don’t know how long I’ve been in this freezer. The time right now is 1.43 am, and I know that because my phone says it is. The last time I remember was 10 am this morning when I left my house. I don’t remember anything else.

So here I am, alone and being frozen to death.

How do I know I’m about to freeze to death? Because I know that no one is coming to save me.

You know what that means? That my 'life-time value' to people is pretty much zero. 

So if life was a product by the whogivesafuck company, I would not be a priority customer.

Anyway, let's not lose focus, because the clock is ticking. 

For the first 10 minutes after I woke up, I wasn’t that scared. Panicked, yes. Scared, not so much. Because I still had hope. I thought it was a mistake or a practical joke. And I still had a phone in my pocket. And I’ve seen movies. Whoever put me in here - why would they leave my phone with me? If this was a kidnapping or extortion type situation, they probably want me to have a way to communicate with them. First, I tried to open the door. Because it would be pretty funny if I didn't try that and it was open the whole time. But there was no handle on the inside so it wasn’t promising. Then I tried banging on it, making some noise, but that didn’t work either. Then I tried calling people. But of course my phone had no signal. I even tried looking for a wifi signal. No data. No luck.

For the next 10 minutes, I searched the entire room for clues. Maybe this was a test! Maybe I was supposed to find something to save myself. Like the Saw movies. Which I know aren’t real but maybe they were inspired by a true story. The lack of a light in the room didn’t help. Oh, didn’t I mention that? It’s pretty much pitch black in here. So I had to use my feet and hands to avoid bumping into things, which must have looked really stupid to anyone watching footage of this, in case my captors are filming this. Sadly, I didn’t bump into anything - all I found were the four walls around me, an empty and super cold floor, and an even colder door.

In the last 10 minutes, I got angry. That lasted for about 4 minutes. I guess I didn’t really have a lot to be angry about. But it felt good, and it was a healthy (figuratively, not literally, since I'm freezing to death over here) distraction from the whole impending death thing. Then for the remaining 6 minutes, I did another quick round of the room. Because how foolish would I feel if I had missed something in the first try?

That was my last 30 minutes, recapped for you in 3. And now you’re caught up! Welcome to the ‘Thoughts I’m Having While Being Frozen To Death’ show. Although I guess that if and when whoever finds this video recording on my phone, they’ll have to change that title to a past tense thing. I can’t worry about semantics right now. As you now know, I have potentially been in this freezer for anywhere between 33 minutes to 14 hours, and I have no fucking clue how long it takes a body to freeze.

All I know right now, is that I’m cold. So very cold.

Ironically, the word 'cold' has been used often by people when describing my personality.

By the way, just to give you an idea about how freezing to death affects your brain and logical thinking - I’ve been filming myself using this phone in selfie mode, with a front flash so I can light my face up, and not once in the 30 minutes before I started this recording did I think about using the flashlight on this phone to see around this room. I mean, how messed up is that. I want to blame the temperature for affecting my reasoning but… anyway, I’ll show you right now how fucking empty and scary this freezer really is.

See?

Anyway, back to my face. So I’m going to say this out loud to you right now, my unlucky listener/viewer...

I’m about to die.

Whoever is writing the subtitles for this video, could you please put that last sentence in bold? And put this one in italics. Thanks!

I’ve given up the hope of a rescue. Because no matter how cruel this feels, I doubt whoever did this is just ‘trying to teach me a lesson’. Because it’s not a lesson learnt if the subject dies, right?

I should also mention, and I can’t believe I’m just noticing this - must be the distraction and adrenaline of recording and performing my last moments - but I haven’t felt my toes in the last couple minutes.

And my blood, wow, I had no idea I could feel blood before. Because right now I can’t. So this means all my life so far - I’m 32 by the way, and today is my birthday! yay... - I’ve apparently been feeling blood going through my veins. That was part of my body’s ‘default feeling’ system. And now that my body is possibly and literally freezing up, I can’t feel it anymore. Man, how many other 'feelings' have I been ignoring and taking for granted? I guess this is one of those ‘you don’t miss it until it’s gone’ kind of moments.

I also just realized that if or when they find my body, I’m probably going to be in the news. For not a good reason. Again. And this video will be shown and discussed. Maybe. Maybe I wouldn’t matter at all. What a life. Can’t even tell if I’ve had any impact. Good or bad. I mean, any impact would have been nice while I was alive, you know?

Because I’ll take a ‘bad’ impact right now as a Peabody award. Which is my favorite type of award.

#FuckOscars

Well... I guess I did have some bad impact on someone. Otherwise I wouldn’t be here in this situation.

Unless… this is a terrible case of mistaken identity and they just kidnapped the wrong person to put in a giant freezer to die. Because if that’s the case… man, did I just give someone else - the real victim of this crime - another day to live? Did I just save someone's life? I guess that’s a good thing to take away with me. For as long as I have left.

But yeah, if I am the real target for this, which given the flawless setup here in this ice-dungeon seems quite likely, then what the fuck did I do to deserve this?

Also, as a life-long (oh the irony) horror-fan and horror-pussy, I must say this isn't all that scary. I mean, when you watch horror movies the effects and jump cuts are soooo good. But here in this giant freezer with no windows or lights, you would think would be scary. But nope. It's just quiet. 

I guess the darkest thing in here is my soul.

Alright. Since I haven’t died yet, I might as well take you on a short - who knows how short, well you probably do because you can see how long this video is, which means you know when I’m about to die! - journey that has been my pretty awesome life. And perhaps along the way we can figure out who the fuck wants me dead.

So let’s investigate this present-crime and future-murder. Now, tv shows and movies have taught me that one of the key questions a detective asks the next of kin - I’ll get to mine in a minute - is...

Did the victim have any enemies?

*subtitle guy, you know what to do*

Fyi, that next of kin - I have none. I mean, I did have parents. I was engineered naturally in a vagina. But my creators hate me. Or actually, why am I lying at this point? They don’t give a fuck about me. Haven’t seen them in like 16 years. For all I know, they might not know or care to know if I’ve been alive so far. Don’t have a girlfriend or boyfriend or loved ones either. I do have friends though, but not the ones you ever trust or count on. Just some people I don’t care about but indulge into occasional madness and immoral-from-your-perspective business with. And any of them could have ordered or orchestrated this killer (hah) birthday present.

So yes, enemies. Never really thought about putting someone in this particular box but clearly I have them. So let’s go through the top 3 nominees because given the lack of feeling in my thighs I would say the orchestra is preparing to play me off this stage.

#FuckOscarsEvenMore

By the way, if any actual police people are watching this, finding these 3 people would be a good place to start your investigation. You’re welcome. Do thank me for being an integral part of this investigation during the press conference.

So let’s get started.

Nominee #1 

I don’t know her real name, but her street/professional name is Killer Frost. I mean, doesn’t this whole setup already scream her signature? She’s an occasional lover too - well, former now, I’m pretty sure this situation calls for a mutual breakup - so that crosses two boxes on your list, detective. She and I did some business in the past, and I may or may not have cut her out of a couple deals that may or may not have put a target on her back. But hey, Frosty, if this really is you, and you’re watching this, where’s the professionalism? That whole honor amongst thieves philosophy? I mean, I did promise you on our last… intimate meeting… that I would make it up to you, didn’t I? I swear to god, Frosty, if this really was you, then I was right about your work ethic all along. You have no patience! Well… given your choice of using slow death on me… I guess you did work on that. Good for you.

Nominee #2 

His name is…

You know what, detective. I just realized that if any of these three nominees were the actual culprits here, they are probably watching this video too, so why would they turn it over as evidence? I mean, I guess I’ll keep going in the off chance the cops find this before they do...

Alright. Nominee #2. His name is… oh shit. Memory fuck. Am I losing long term memory? Or perhaps just whatever section that remembers names and stuff. Okay. This is a hiccup. And I actually have literal hiccups right now. Wait… have I been hiccuping this whole time? I can’t tell. And there’s no time to rewind back to watch because A. I’m still dying and losing time and more importantly B. It would break the flow of this life-changing video I’m making. Alright, I need to speed this up. This dude… oh shit… just remembered somehow, this dude is a woman too. How did I just mix up genders? Man, I haven’t felt this light-headed since that crazy communal thing in the desert with all those hippies. Okay. So #2 is also a female. Her name is… fuck. Yeah! Let’s call her fuck. Because I did fuck her too. Fucking is fun. I’m going to miss it. I mean, I probably won’t miss it… unless there’s an afterlife where there is no fucking allowed or possible… because I will definitely miss it then. Shit. Now you’ve got me thinking about how I’m going to die without one last fuck. Can you imagine that? If I had known that my last fuck… which I don’t remember right now so I must be losing my short term memory too… if I had known that that would be my last fuck… man would I have fucked better. And that’s one thing that always pissed me off about movies... when a character is about to die… why don’t they want to fuck… one last time? I mean, I would kill or be killed for a quickie right now…

Fuck… what was I talking about? Oh yeah! Fuck! Well, she’s a vengeful one. That saying… hell hath no fury like a scorned fuck… that’s all her. I didn’t even cheat on her or betray her like #1 - sexually or professionally - but she just had this temper, man. This woman had multiple personalities. I wouldn’t be surprised… not that I will ever find out now… if she did this to fuck with me for fun… and then midway through it one of her other personalities just took over and went… ‘well, why don’t we actually kill him?’

Woah. Something weird just happened. Did you see that? I’m not shivering anymore. That is… good news? Doesn’t feel like it. Maybe my brain just gave up on the shivering thing. Maybe it’s already dead and I’m freewheeling this now. Woah. Is this what it is like to not have a logical organ? I don’t know. The scientists who watch this could probably explain it because I don’t feel that cold anymore. Even though I am pretty sure nothing has changed in this room since I woke up. But who knows what kind of hallucinatory shit brains can make up to ignore impending death. It’s not like brains have a contingency plan for being slowly frozen.

Okay. The final nominee for tonight. 

Nominee #3

And… yup. I don’t remember gender anymore. Completely gone. I don’t even know my sex anymore. Or maybe I just don't remember the words for it. I mean, I kind of recognize my face in this video I’m filming, but what is this called? Wow. This is such a trip! Hahahaha. I’ve never really embraced a full broadway-diva-styled maniacal laugh. Indulge my last wish, for a moment, will you #3?

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Hahahahahaha. Hahaha. haha. Haha. Hah. Ha…

And this is where it all starts to make sense.

Cue some Beethoven’s fifth symphony because I think I know who my killer is.

Of course! This is you #3, isn’t it?

You did this to me. You put me in this freezer to die.

You couldn’t stand my very existence. What a fantastic number I must have done on you, #3. I made you so angry… that you decided to do this. A final joke. The Killing Joke. Wow, I just got that title. You know, I always took you for a Batman fan. This really is a Joker-like thing to do. I can even imagine Mark Hamill’s voice on you. Because fuck - no, not you Fuck, I’m talking to #3 now - I don’t remember your voice. Wait… then how do I remember Mark Hamill’s Joker voice? Wait… how do I remember all these names? Batman? Joker? Mark fucking Hamill? I guess some things really do seep into your soul and stay there.

So… do I even have to tell you why you’re doing this? Because I wish you could tell me. But you can’t. Almost an hour in this cold-hell lying awake and not once did you use whatever speaker you fit in here to talk to me. You deny me that one final human connection. How apt.

Why the fuck… no not you #2… the word fuck… why the fuck would you do this to me?

I thought we had so many more games to play.

Is it because I didn’t care for your opinions sometimes?

Is it because I didn’t want you to see me outside of my way of life?

Is it because I used too many emojis whilst texting?

Is it because I didn’t tell you I loved you?

Is it because I did all those things with #1 and #2 and you were just… jealous?

Is it because I wasn’t worthy of your evil beauty?

Is it because I did love you… one moment… and then completely forgot what love meant the next moment?

Wait… did I even love you? Is this even about love?

Because if this is just a professional ‘no-hard-feelings’ hit, you are going to feel super embarrassed around the good ol’ criminal water cooler. Haha! I made it awkward for you at your workplace. 

Because as I lay dying here… and as you can see I really am lying down now with this camera up against the wall filming me because yup! Can’t feel my hands any more…

As I lay dying here… I hope this was about love. Because I think that’s the one thing I never looked for my whole life. Because I never saw it. Never experienced it. Never had the eye to look for it either. Or care for it. Or even hope for it. And I guess I didn’t have the time either...

Why the hell do we always blame time, anyway?

‘If I had more time…'

‘If only time was on my side…'

‘All in good time…'

Why the fuck does time get all the credit and all the blame?

Because according to my calculation… time doesn’t even live with us in this dimension. It’s chilling in its own… just being itself. Tell me, my clever killer… have you seen time ever be late?

Alright. As my last act as a person, no matter of what kind, I will do this…

Time… I set you free.

Leave me. Set me free.

And as for you, my wonderfully evil #3… I guess what you’re doing to me is the same?

In your own twisted way, you’re setting me free?

Maybe I wanted this. Maybe this is how you love.

Or maybe I was just a dick.

Or a cunt.

At this point you know that better than I do.

…

Huh.

Either way.

Makes sense.

*end of recording*

Author's Note: This story was originally published on March 14, 2017. If you read this whole story expecting a South Park reference, I'm really sorry to disappoint. I only chose that cover image because it seemed so apt. I was going to go with the original Jack Nicholson version from The Shining that South Park was trying to pay an homage to here, but when I saw this version I couldn't help but imagine Randy Marsh narrating this story. I mean... this story could very well be a subplot for Randy in a future South Park episode, couldn't it? I'm just kidding, this is nowhere near as funny as South Park. But I hope you imagined Randy's voice too, because that voice can make anything funny. And in case you don't know what Randy sounds like, it's worth a google. Thanks for reading!