There was a dream. A scary one. It's not a nightmare kind, though. But I was so scared and I don't exactly know why.
He hugged me tight and I turn to look at his face. He got up and I saw a child on the bed. The child called me "Mama" to catch my attention when I looked away. I'm not his mother. He's his child. How come he has a child?
Then some li'l girls entered and said uncle to him and he allowed the child to go with them. Then, his supposed sister I never saw so far until now, came in. She's saying something until some men stopped by.
There were familiar faces.
"So when's the wedding?"
What wedding is the man outside saying?
My lover looked at me with the look like he messed up or something. It dawned on me that they were referring to our wedding.
What the hell happened?
I stormed off the room after knowing that my father came to know about my relationship and they decided for us to marry. My lover followed me. I cried and cried and he comforted me but I felt like I was betrayed or something.
It feels so not right.
Then when we came out of the room where I cried, my mother and some strangers with wedding stuff around the living room, looked up at me. I told my mom I don't want to get married and she sounded sad telling me, it's difficult to agree. These are hard times and they need help from people.
I became hysterical cause I don't see any connection to me being married. Then without anymore choice, I just shouted and cried.
I woke up.
I woke up on my bed, panting, like I ran a thousand miles. A fear in my heart and wanting to cry.
A dream.
Why did it scare me?
Maybe I'm worried about the future of my relationship and of my suppressed emotions with working and trying to be of help to my family.
I was scared maybe because I still want to explore the world without changing my last name.
I am scared maybe because of the responsibilities I may not do well and always feels dissatisfied by my own self.
I'm scared that one day I will give up my grip to life.
There were no monsters in the dream, no serial killers nor psychopaths, but an event.
I'm still scared. I can still feel my heart pounding with fear from it. Though I look calm.
Why do I feel like I'm chained when in fact, we do create our life, maybe not all perfectly the way we want but how it will be while adjusting to other people's creation of their own lives?
I think I'm so tired again. Should I just stop?
What is it that needs for me to stop?
Ahhhh, the thoughts in my mind are jumbled again.