To be honest

I have this insecurity that always haunts me to the point that everything bad that happens to me, I put the blame on it.

I'm fat.

I can't be sporty and attend P.E classes. I failed that subject and I received my first 75 in my card. I'm frustrated, I just received a line of seven grade for the first time.

I can't wear dresses, back less and crop tops. I love styling and trying different clothes but I can't. It's like the society didn't let me wear things I want.

I have a hard time making friends. Sure, I will go out with you, laugh with you and tell you that I love you but there are times that I feel like I'm out of place. I feel like everyone is telling me "Why did that fat girl be friend those pretty ones?"

There are times that I think, why is she so good to me? She's beautiful and smart and I'm just a trash when I'm next to her but she still wants to be on my side. Can't she act bad whenever she's with me? So that there's one ugly thing that I can think of about her.

There are nights where I just lay in bed to avoid being judged in what I wear. To avoid comparing myself to others.

Sometimes, when all came rushing and everything is a blur, frankly speaking, I want to commit suicide but this thoughts of being fat always came back.

I couldn't slit my wrist because of too much fat covering it. I couldn't hang myself, I don't think our ceiling is strong enough to carry me, the rope either.

But I want to go. I'm desperate. I have to get out of here. I don't want here. I want to be in the sky. I want to be free. I don't belong here -- or neither there?