With the cool breeze, rushing people and my disheveled bangs, I heaved a big sigh before heading to the building entrance. I carefully crossed the street while fixing my medium-length, straight, black hair.
"Here we go again," I whispered to remind myself of something I was very aware of.
It's one of those usual mornings I always encounter but I didn't think I will ever get used to it.
"Chin up, sing with the music on your headset, and never turn your head sideways." or it could be "Head down, scroll through your phone, smile like there is really something cute or funny, and never turn your head sideways."
Both were my typical mantra to get through the most crucial time of the day. They were like my mask and armor as I pass through the wicked and charming mastermind. God, why did I include the second adjective? Oh well, I guess that word will forever be attached before your name. So yeah, I actually face a battle every morning wherein no one else knows except me. But before I step into the arena of Panem, when you can't see me, I would grab the chance to look at you, my sun, and admire your existence just like how I did on that very first split second. I would feel the corner of my mouth twitch for a brief smile and a silent thanks.
And so I walked towards you, well, not really but sort of, with a heart pounding so hard like it wanted to escape Chateau d'If. I would saunter as if there's nothing going on inside and make sure I won't trip over. It's embarassing to admit but I would always hope that you could see me or you would look at me as I pass by in front or beside you.
Relief would take over me as I'm finally away from your vicinity. I took a deep breath and carefully undid my shaking fists. I watched how my hands tremble so hard like it was an incurable disease I couldn't resist. It's always like that. Whenever, wherever... you are near. You may never noticed but I strived determinedly not to break down in front you and act like it was all nothing for me when in reality, my whole universe was already in chaos. Chaotically overjoyed yet miserable at the same time. I felt so alive yet so lifeless at the same time.
Days passed and I thought those mornings will gradually become a reflex I will no longer pay attention to. Maybe those heart-pounding moments will be like those times when I absentmindedly lick my lips. Maybe those hand-trembling split seconds will be like those songs I've excluded in my Favorites playlist.
I was wrong. You never faded into oblivion. And I hated it so much. So much that I wanted to just stop waking up for work. So much that I wished and prayed I'll never have to do those stupid mantras every day. So much that I felt tired and sick of it. I became tired of acting strong. I became sick of faking a smile to everybody. Yes, your presence bring euphoria but the agony will always remain on top of everything my heart feels. And I loathe every bit of it everytime I break down in my station, in a bar, in a friend's shoulder, or in my bed.
I want this to end. Thank God my days are already counted.