Trapped

Today marks the fourteenth day since I left my place, and it has nothing to do with the pandemic.

I am trapped. I am emotionally trapped by that that has been consuming my mind for years, but also by a promise of a happy ending.

I am also physically trapped, my home country has shut down its borders which leaves me in a state of limbo, even if I decide to throw it all away and go back home to start over I can't.

You see, I live in another country, I went there to pursue a degree, landed a job and stayed there. I have since left that job, which I am not really mad about- it used to drive me insane. I took another job after some time which I have lost fourteen days ago, and that has something to do with the pandemic.

And now I am trapped. The idea of a happy ending has vanished.

I thought I had found the One, and part of the reason why I am in this country is because I wanted to give us a fair chance of working out, I made myself physically present but he couldn't love me the way I needed to be loved. 

It really sucks when you and your partner are not on the same wavelength; and in this case I am ready to commit and he seems to be in love with his phone more than me.

And so, I am terribly lonely, and trapped, and I hate myself for allowing it.

I think that my better option is to go home and start over again, a new career, maybe eventually a new relationship, who knows? But I am trapped.

And this time it has to do with both the pandemic and my fear of self-sabotage.

I am afraid that I am perhaps quitting too early, and that maybe things will look up, I could find a new job and save my relationship. But something tells me I am delusional.