Wish I could turn back time.
As I use the key to open the door. My hands were shaking. Shaking that you might be there once I open the door. To my surprise you weren’t there. I was sad.
As I sigh I said “This would be a long day.”
I opened the fridge and taken out the lasagna. It was your favorite meal. I was seated on the dining table, listening to our favorite song.
I remembered you smiling at me and offered me a slow dance.
As I rested at your chest I was able to foresee my future with you. I was very blessed at that moment. Just you and I building a home together. I laugh sheepishly to that thought. My heart was happy. I was happy with you.
As the music stop I then realize you weren’t coming home anymore.
In the morning I was so eager to wake up as I heard talking from the kitchen. It was mom and dad visiting me. This felt heavy on my heart.
“Are you okay dear?” Dad asked. “Have you been sleeping well dear?” Mom asked.
I gave them an assuring smile, which they were happy to see.
Mom and dad were so supportive of me that sometimes it felt like I disappoint them. It felt like I wasn’t good enough to be their daughter. I was too weak to face reality.
It comes to my senses that I should girl the hell up. Take risk and own my narrative.
I should keep moving forward. Know my limits and learn to control my feelings.
I shouldn't stop when someone is not there anymore. I shouldn't stop when things go out of control. I know that others would criticize me. Mock me for being a weakling.
This has to stop.
I won't let them control me. I won't let them belittle me.
I was upset when you didn’t show up on my doorstep the next day.
There was a sudden pain in my stomach that I wanted to lay in bed all day.
Things happen so fast that I wasn’t sure what was real.
As you lie in bed with me. You begin to stroke my hair, gave a kiss on my forehead for assurance that you wouldn’t go.
I love how your eyes would look at me. Loving and caring. It was so protective and kind.
“How can I deserve a man like him?” I said to myself. “He’s understanding, kind and close to God. And here I am just a simple girl who just fell in love with him. I don’t deserve him.”
He smiled at me. He gave a kiss on my lips like he was able to read my mind.
I would be a fool if I’m not falling in love with him. He is so lovely. I could die right now from happiness.
As I opened my eyes and reach for the other side of the bed. You were gone.
I remembered you telling me to be strong, to not give up. And that you believed in me in my capacity to do things on my own.
You took off. And days and nights just keeps on coming. There was nothing to be heard from you.
I always go to the river since you were gone. Whenever I am troubled and confuse, when I don’t know what to do anymore.
I was at peace. I reflected upon the things that I couldn't handle and things that bothers me. I prayed.
The wind was blowing and just enough to let my scarf dancing in the air. I was so overcome with relief.
I thank you for having faith in me when no one else did. To my family who was ever supportive of me. And I also thank the Lord for giving me a chance to see and accept the simple and little things in life and for always there for me.
A gift for my birthday...