24th June 2014, that balmy summer was not ordinary, the intuitive forces where making me restless -something most awaited was about to happen. I mistook it was exam anxiety, 2.20 pm the wind was warm, the sun was bright I was as usual sleep deprived was juggling with number and equations, my phone pinged. It was "Hi" from a familiar number, my heart was captured by swirling emotions of joy and sadness , it was him the guy I has awaited past 2 years. Words has always been a source of inspiration for me and I abide by all the thought fun sayings,as Mr. Kahlil Gibran quoted "If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were." Yes I did love him then and I love him still and a message after two years lit up the faded hope of getting loved by him. I had spend sleepless nights and day dreaming about times I ll spend with him, 'coz deep down somewhere inside my heart words has truly smitten me and kept my expectations for him to requite love. After minutes of over analyzing the situation I send back "hey", "do you remember me, do you still hangout with old friends, I m in town let's meet up , I ll pick you up in 30 minutes" he replied. Oh my God he wanted to meet me, I awaited this moment, my love will be requited, I ll be loved, he's the old, thirty minutes are so less, what should I wear? He loved blue back then, no! he loved me in green....Stop! The pragmatic self stop my hopelessly romantic mind. "I won't be able to meet you today, we ll plan for some other day" with a heavy heart those words were typed. I closed my books , no more fighting with numbers, I have things from the past to fight with, My own self was no less than the most complex structural analysis problem. I just had a mini victory: triumph over love.
My imagination took me back to the year when I saw him, Ashutosh - aesthetic , tall, his raving eyes caught my attention. My best friend's friend: we friends always has a policy of not mixing up friends in order to avoid less drama. Only smiles were exchanged no words were used. One fine morning while having brunch at my place my best buddy told me "I have a friend, he wants to talk to you, he s a genuine guy no harm in talk to him" , "I already have a boyfriend.." I didn't even completed my sentence and was interrupted by him "yes, who s good for nothing..it is your life and choice, you are too young to waste it", he finishes of the sandwich and the leftovers were his words which has shrugged my thoughts. Yes! I was young too young 21, had a boyfriend because all my friends had I didn't so when I got proposed by this guy (who was a sadistic , I discovered that later) I said yes, if love isn't happening , lets make it happen. Alike nature love has it own rules -love will come to you when love wants and leave you when love wants, all we do is to be victimized by it, toiled and turmoil and left barren to one's own consciousness. The eyes which has caught my attention I could see them everywhere, "I would talk to him", mirror has been a great friend since years. I called up my buddy and told him that I m too young to not to take risks and commit mistake, "I ll talk to him".
The talking began, he was shy and slow but good with words, I myself wasn't perfect with talking back then (now can surely keep one engage in sentences), we decided to meet. I was happy it sound like a DATE, yes a date , the word was goggled , it's meaning was looked over and over again, posts stating what to wear what no to wear on your first date filled my firefox history. Finally, I stayed with yellow, that happen to be my favorite color, while wearing those pretty pair of sports shoes I sat of my spectacles and with a clink they broke, without them I m as blind as bat. Lenses came to my rescue, I always had the unconventional fashion sense, germanium silver, shells, beads, paper , jute, wood, metal jewelry had always been of my interest. The penchant for lenses at early twenties made me store a blue, green and grey pair of lenses. Yellow with blue, I know it was a stupid combination but I wore it , with liner ( hyper glossy,some girls are fan of eye makeup). I met him at the decided spot, his gaze for few minutes made me uncomfortable, I ask him to drive. The advantage of being a valley girl is most of the dates are long drives to the hills, stopping by a cafe , hot coffee and talks nothing can be more beautiful and we all have secret places to spend peaceful time with ourselves. He took to his favorite ,it was alluring , sallow stones on the flowing river, I would see the orange sun going down, we choose our dearest cloud formation and naming it after it's formation. I can still recall the look in this eyes, there was a moment I strongly felt the moment to the kiss. I am always and forever bounded by thoughts , deep thoughts and they come to me with protocol , the tides of thought dragged me away from the scenic beauty and I lost my balance and almost fallen in the water but was saved by his long arms. My hand was holding his wet hand, "do you always have this wet hands", "yes! usually", the perfect moment to kiss but blown off by "it is late , we should go home". I wasn't the same , my heart beat wasn't the same, I was nervous , I was happily confused, we stopped at my lane, he said " I wish I could spend little more time with you and thank you", his thank you was not empty it had a passionate kiss with it. I had never seen myself this frozen , why I couldn't stop him, why did I let him his me, my best friend will end his friendship with me....he took this silent as my shyness and once again a passionate kiss followed with his hand caressing my chin and other hand was taking care of the tresses falling on face. Those few minutes were the minutes when I was abandoned by my thoughts and all I could feel is happiness and him. I left him without a word, I was joyous, he did something to my soul, something words cannot define.........my excavation to the past was barged on with a phone call, it was him.
"Hey, how are you, if not today shall be meet tomorrow", he said "I ll let you know the timings you can pick me from home.". The evening seem unending again the thoughts of my past conquered the tranquility . Meeting after meeting , the idea was too cool to be together without tagging each other, I clearly remember once he told me "when you and me are together then there is no one,no one means no one". I laughed at the dinner table and spill the curry on my pajamas, one by one every meeting , nitty-gritty things occupied my night. The last time I saw him was 25th july 2012, the bitter memories of him being rude to me after confessing my feelings brought cascade of tears , memory of the sleepless nights I have spend. I did everything to calm this little heart, it is tough to accept rejection, a hope of getting your love always linger . I did yoga, read eat-pray-love and other novels many times, meditation, went to astrologists, numerologist, healers-the angles did not helped I assume they had their other important tasks to accomplish, kept myself busy all day but nights were always heavy. New age unrequited love search for rebound tried that too but nothing bounded his memory. Love was coated with bitterness I went through years, I never believed in moving on as I wasn't able too so I accepted the fact his memories are in my heart I cannot part with the heart I cannot part with his memories. The morning was different I was amazed at my own self, the guy for whom I have awaited was about to meet me, love has won, my wait is going to come to end finally. I wore green and blue, "I 'm coming to you in 15.." and his car's horn honked at the main gate.
There he was , he looked same , those same raven eyes and that smile . "Where do we go? Coffee? or Our old ventures?..." he said, he was surely the same, rigid, stubborn. The old place, it was changed or may be we were changed I was changed. The same roads, as empty as his heart and the stillness of my love. He was babbling , he's surely not a person who will do something of that sort. My soul was calm I wasn't restless or at turmoil. The wind touching my face was different , he was with me. "I do not want you to misunderstand that I came back for love, I came just to say HI....", clamoured those words, "I don't want you to go down the lane of swirling emotions...." he bend forward to kiss. I so wanted to kiss him, I loved him dreamt of this day all these years but again a strong voice came out of those lips who always prayed for him , always wanted him said "Stop". I sound was strong enough to bring both of us to the reality. "Why , what happen" , he asked "I love someone..." my shush persisted for long. "Who's the lucky guy?" he asked with a smile, "YOU..." the answer changed his expression. He wanted to kiss and yes he did kiss , it was as beautiful as before, his fingers still remember their favorite tresses, his lips gelled perfectly with mine. All this what I ever wanted, this was the kind of moment I lost my peace to this moment. All this years I had read and re-read, chanted it like a myntra- 1 corinthians 13:4 from the bible : Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.... We human are so shallow we preach things but do we actually do it. I always preached unconditional love and kept lamenting for the man to prove my love to be unconditional. The man doesn't want me, he came into my life to make me realize what love is, true meaning of love. I love him now, I loved him then and I will love him. The void created my him will never be filled: the void avoids. "I do not love you...." he said, "drop me home, love has come to me" I replied. Yes it was a victory I won love I won myself , the true unconditional me.