About last nine years, this feeling had been that wound in my heart, which refused to heal. They say that every wounds, every sorrows, vanishes with time eventually. But this.........
I don't know why this doesn't. It hurts like hell. But why?
My dad had been the best father for me nine years ago. He still is. He fulfills all my needs, pays my fees, lends pocket money much more than my needs. So, eventually he is the perfect dad. You know, when I was a child, he used to tell me lots of mythological stories. My early childhood was filled with the adventures of Rama, tactics of Krishna, the battle of Kurukshetra and all. That five year old me still remembers all those stories in my loving dad's voice. By hearing those stories cuddled in his protective arms, watching the ceiling fan above drawing a circle, sleep comes eventually. When I was unable to write my English homework, he helped me to write it by holding my hand. He celebrated my first birthday party so grandly. After all I was coming to my parents life after a long four years. I was coming into their life to erase all their sorrows with my small legs and sweet smile.
But in the course of time, nothing remained the same. After a couple of years, a celebrity came into our life. My little brother.
He was fairer than me, smarter than me, cuter than me. As days passed on, the count of my stories goes on decreasing.The smell of his baby food and baby powder replaced my stories. May be that's because of me growing older. But I was not ready to accept that.Then, is this change because of my brother? I believed so. And I still have that belief and I could do nothing about it.
Dad was going away from me. Of course he can love his son, but he has to love me too. Our conversations goes on decreasing. He only called me when he has to give me money or he has any work out of me. He was becoming a money lending machine for me. Without feelings, without emotions. Of course he had feelings but not for me. He often scold my brother or laugh with him, but not with me. I know that he loves me as much as he loves my brother.But dad I want you to express your affection. Don’t hide your feelings. I am your daughter. I need your love. I love you so much dad. I love you
Time stops for none. It was passing on. And with this passage of time, I was compromising with my situation. For a girl, her dad is her first hero. In my life the post of my first hero was shifted from my dad to another person. My very own little brother. Now he is my hero. I don't like to see him sad. If anyone belittle my bro, I will not tolerate it at all. Fully defensive towards my hero, because he is my everything. On all these years I never felt jealous of him .I don't know why, but I never felt likewise.
All these feelings were swirling inside me for a long time. When I finally expressed it..........
nothing happened. nothing..........
Sometimes some emotions has no solutions or people don't want to find solutions. Now I am having a feeling that, I didn't have to express it. On the same time I have no regret about it. Expressing your emotions is not the attitude of the weak but that of the strong. After all you are not hiding from anything. No desirable change happened in my case. Everything remains the same. But that's okay.Though it is hidden, I know that you love me to your soul. I think I have to wait. I believe in destiny.
"You are grown up now, you have to keep a distance from father, a girl child should be close to her mother more than father" I feel all these arguments as excuses. Remember, your daughter needs you in every moment, every second of her life. Even if she is a hundred year old, you are still her father and she loves you. After a few decades from now, when you have no existence in this universe, you still lives in your daughter's soul. You still lives in that stories of her childhood, which she was telling her grand children about. You lives in that every tear she shed recalling your memories.
If not, what was that thing that i saw in grandma's eyes?