~cynic
the day rises
just to fall
the flowers become
beautiful
just to wilt, and
you could
say the same about
our love
but let us leave
such cynicism
for another day
one that will surely rise
just to fall.
It is 2 am. Just another sleepless night.
I don’t even try and reason with my head anymore. I let it drown me in memories of you.
Sam Smith is playing out loud on my laptop. I don’t know why but he seems to really get me these days. Even his Instagram story had me catching my breath.
your soul stained my shoulders.
my whole life smells like you.
this
will take time.
undoing you from my blood.
-the work
I drink wine (read: red) straight from the bottle. It isn’t like I’ve got wine glasses stacked in a kitchen cabinet somewhere anyway. I remember the coffee mug I had gifted you on your twenty-third birthday. The design on the mug had read This may contain wine. Maybe that is why I skip pouring some in a mug. If I end up tasting your lips, I know I wouldn't get any sleep tonight.
I smirk; you see how shamelessly I circle back to you in my head?
I wouldn’t say that I am stuck. I guess I have moved on. But then again, you don’t really move on from things and people in your life, do you? You move ahead in life, but with that something or someone always occupying some space in your head or your heart or both from that point on. Right?
I am sorry, you don't have to answer any of that. Don't worry.
And although I believe I've managed to make peace with how and why things ended between us, that does not mean in the slightest bit that I can't or shouldn't think about it.
Because I do, every day.
Facebook memories and old Instagram posts cause a sudden rush of emotions at odd hours of the day.
It is also a little difficult to simply not have you pop into my head because there is honestly so much that reminds me of you and our time together; just stupid, everyday things. Now those I can’t do without, can I? That key-ring you’d gifted me on my last birthday is what holds the keys to my house. I am not going to replace it just because it makes me think of you some twenty odd times in a day, right? That would be juvenile.
I therefore figured that teaching myself how to best cope with this constant state that I existed in now, with you having nested in me all over, was the most ideal way to address this complicated situation. It is the sign of an extraordinary person, he who spends his best hours on self-education and not entertainment. At least that is what Robin Sharma has to say. I now spend my best hours working on how to keep you out of my head.
The last time I was at the beach I saw a couple hold hands and walk with each other, enjoying the scenic view. They stopped only a few steps ahead of me on the pier and before I could avert my eyes and offer them some privacy, the man had leaned down to kiss his partner. This simple show of affection had made me feel so warm and nice inside, and all it had made me think of was you and your hands holding mine. If I'd had you by my side that day we would have been just like that couple- happy, in love, and together.
I had walked away with both joy and sorrow in my heart that day. Sorrow, because I hadn't held your hand in months now and didn't know if I was ever going to again, and joy because I knew I had lived through a time once when you had indeed been mine.
Funny, right? How love lets nothing of your old self remain with you. I am a completely different person now, and I doubt if this change could have been brought on by anything else but pure love.
I remember jokes we’ve laughed at. I remember our late-night conversations, drenched in moonlight. I remember our long walks. I remember your face. I remember how you'd made me feel, and let me tell you this, the pain and sadness that I once lived through in my time with you stand nowhere close to the intensity and tenderness with which my heart remembers your kisses, your embraces and your love.
I stand by the fact that we both did mess things up. But, I also stand by the fact that we never once disrespected, judged or belittled the other in due course of our fights and arguments. There was and is a lot that I still like about you and am glad to have made your acquaintance in the little time that we were together in that city. We did fail to commit to each other for reasons best known to us but why I believe I continue to reminisce till date is because I never stopped liking you, just like I hadn't even in moments when I had doubted my love for you.
Another thing that upsets me tremendously is that I lost more than just my love story in light of our demise. You were a friend. You were someone who had understood bits of me that I don’t think anyone else had so far in my life. Have you irritated me, hurt me, disappointed me, and caused immense heartache? Yes. But you'd also loved me in your own twisted way (I know now) and made me aware of it too. That’s more than what a lot of people can ask for, right?
Certain experiences change us and then mold us in ways that remain permanent. I can never return to who I was before I’d met you. And honestly, between you and me, I wouldn’t want to either.
Good people are immensely difficult to come by in life. With how things are all around us today, there’s only a remote chance of you meeting someone who you’d end up hitting it off with almost right away. You and I however turned out to be lucky that way; we did manage to find each other.
I don’t know how to accurately describe why, but I stand by these words (by Akif Kichloo) vehemently —Ours was not the saddest story. Some people don’t even get to taste love.
I can stand on a hill top and scream my lungs out and proudly say that that isn’t the case with me. I did get to taste love. And oh my, was it exquisite or what?
I prefer not to talk to anyone about you. On some days not being able to share my thoughts with another soul about all of this does leave me restless. But I patiently wait for those seconds to pass and then turn into a recluse all over again.
It isn’t that I intend to be secretive about it, but it does trouble me immensely when people fail to comprehend my words correctly and turn a blind eye to the sentiments behind them. How do you let folks know that you aren’t seeking sympathy or pity votes and certainly don’t need them to delve into a fault-finding spree but instead are, plainly put, seeking patient and empathetic company?
So, I continue to let you inhabit a part of me and engage with it privately whenever I get the time. Songs transport me instantly to us. Vivid flashbacks leave me blinded for a minute if an old picture of you resurfaces somewhere in my gallery. Emails exchanged, letters written, and texts shared—it is all stored neatly in my phone and that is why I always feel like I carry a part of you with me wherever I go, in the most literal sense possible.
When it comes to you, I find myself oscillating primarily between two sets of lyrics.
It is either this,
I'm sittin' eyes wide open and I got one thing stuck in my mind
Wondering if I dodged a bullet or just lost the love of my life
Baby, baby, I feel crazy
Up all night, all night and every day
I gave you something, but you gave me nothing
What is happening to me?
("I Don't Wanna Live Forever" by Taylor Swift and Zayn Malik)
Or it's this,
I tell myself you don't mean a thing,
And what we got, got no hold on me
But when you're not there I just crumble
I tell myself I don't care that much,
But I feel like I die 'til I feel your touch,
Only love, only love can hurt like this,
Only love can hurt like this
Must have been a deadly kiss
Only love can hurt like this
(“Only Love Can Hurt Like This” by Paloma Faith)
I do not know what role time has to play in me feeling this way even today. I spend time wondering how things would be right now if we were together, and in my head it’s a beautiful picture. But, I am also reminded of what went wrong and how much trouble we'd ended up causing for each other’s’ heart. I wish we had known better back then. I wish we knew better now, to try and make things work. I don’t think we are there yet though. I am not sure if we ever will be.
Who knows what life has in store for us? Maybe we were never supposed to be each other’s lasting love. Maybe we were brought together only to teach us that which we know today, to prepare us for an even bigger love than what we’d experienced together.
I sure do hope that you find so great a love one day that all of your past struggles and anguishes seem worth it. I hope you do not stop wanting for a love like that and keep that fire burning somewhere inside of you. For when time shall be right and you’ll be with the right person, even the tiniest flicker of light will be enough for you two to burn the bridges keeping you from each other and stand united against the tides of time.
And until that happens, know, that there will always be me with nothing but love in my heart for you, in this beautifully distraught world.