Sometimes, situations can make uncontrollable changes to our lives; normal situations that occur everyday repeatedly, like someone falling, another dying or someone being born, they happen in a certain arragement allowing others to live, some of these situations can be very frequent like seeing an ant carrying a piece of bread on its head with high spirit headed to its far away home a few meters underground, i can't help but wonder, if this ant knew that walking between us human there's a huge risk it won't reach it's home, would it sit somewhere or would it go out knowing the risk its taking.. then i look at us human and I find the answer.
i was fifteen, a kid... but you didn't allow me to prove that humans change after time passes , exactly like trees, we see the traces of a long life on a tree's trunk, printed with the letters of lovers who passed along the tree in that point of its life, i remember our meeting like it happened tomorrow.. what i say makes no sense , my words lost all sense since i lost you, i wonder everyday, is our meeting really better than us not meeting?
Our fateful meeting happened like a scene out of an old movie, stuff like those stopped happening long time ago, or a bit after that. i went out of my house hurrying to catch the bus to be surprised with a sudden shower from the sky, i quickly hide underneath a bakery sign, the smell of bread tickles my nose lightly, but my mind ignored it saying i shouldn't be late, i wait patiently for the emotional state the sky is going through "get yourself together, its only the beginning of the day" i think addressing the sky, or was i talking to myself, i forgot. it took me four full minutes to realize someone else was sharing my hiding place, i look your way, you seem nervous, it shows on your face, your emotions always showed, it was one of the reasons why i trusted you so quickly, you were always nervous around strangers, i raise my hand in a weird way and it kept getting weirder as it went up in order to say the most basic greeting.. "Hi" , you look surprised but then laugh silently and reply in the same way, it was your fun way to get around, i smile, we talk, you die.. how did it end up like this? why did it have to end so quick..
if we knew that people will hurt us would we stop talking to them?
no, we won't , life isn't a perfect Music sheet, some wrongs and uniques come along the way, i was your perfect note, but you were just a mistake.
Our conversations gradually became daily, i feel weird if it didn't happen but i go where you are without knowing, we talked about nothing and everything, you were always shy beyond the limit , but so free with me, this made me feel special , i wanted you to be only mine, i felt like a villain in some story, unreasonable actions i made, confessions of a coward, my confessions.
you meeting many people made me lose my mind, Am the one you should be talking with, why are you showing comfort talking to others? i refuse to talk to you childishly, i also refuse to tell you why, i just stop, sadness becomes clear on your face as days go by, it only made me feel better.
i stayed like this for days, noticing your sad looks following me wherever i went, i pretend to be the happiest trying to let you know am doing perfectly fine without you.
going back and talking to you became harder as days went by, your eyes stopped following me, now you only look emptily at the ground, like a dead soul, everyone stopped talking to you because you stopped responding, like talking to an empty glass.
you became alone again, although i perfectly knew how you suffered having no Friends, although you cried sad and happy tears telling me how your life was before i became your friend, i was your hero, but i never told you that it was you who saved me and not the other way around, you were the special one and not me but like i said earlier, i was a coward.
i'll talk to you tomorrow, this decision exploded in me, because i just can't stand looking at you hurting so much, my behaviors had no explanation, and am sure i had some psychological illness at that time because no sane person would do that.. i live my life with regret.
today you come to me, i know you built confidence to do this, you request to talk to me alone for a second, i refuse your request coldly in front of many people, you turn red in shyness and i burn in sadness, but i keep pretending, because i choose when to talk to you and i chose tomorrow, tomorrow i'll talk, i'll apologize, tomorrow.
i leave the school in a hurry, i swallow my tears, you hold my hand, why would you go so far? i don't deserve your attention, am a rotten person, i refuse to listen to your words and keep walking, i hear your tears as you yell :
"if i made a mistake tell me so i can apologize probably, i can't apologize if you refuse to look me in the eye.. i beg you.."
words that are craved in my imagination like the trails water make as they flow over the years, the water dries, only trails are left, i remember them clearly, every letter.
i don't care whatever you say, and my mind yells that you should wait just another day please, its almost over; you hold my other hand.... i give up..... you win, a smile goes across my face in relief.
alright i'll hear you out, i turn around to face your beautiful eyes, but what is this.. why am i on the ground?... what just happened?.... you pushed me?! is this why you held my hand?
your not as good as i thought you were, how angry and mad i feel, what kind of friend pushes her friend to the street? "how rude" i think madly.
i turn to you with the intention to scream in your face on how dangerous what you did was....... seconds became hours.. days in length, i look up, but your not there, weird noises, loud, screams and a warm feeling.. my heart tells me not to look.. my mind warns me.. i look down a bit, you were sleeping behind me on the street, "the first second'.
i look at you and think how that car is so close to you, you should get away or it would harm you, it looks like you have something on your face, what is that? 'the second second'.
a red color covers your face and your head is moving slowly, as if your looking for something ........ you smile when our eyes meet , then you close your eyes and lay your head back, 'the third second'.
the red color means blood, 'the forth second' and the fifth second was when i realized you are no longer alive.
You're dead, no longer here with us, i can't ever look at your eyes or ask you what did you have for lunch yesterday, i can't laugh with you.. why?
hardest five second of my life..
what happened after that.. the sky kept being blue, and people continued living, i fight an urge in me to go and ask every one of them, aren't you all sad shes gone? don't you have feeling?
stop smiling! nothing is worth smiling at after shes gone, selfishly, weird feeling, i refuse she dies, i am dreaming, she didn't die because of me.
because of me.
she died because of me.
we always dream to go back to change a certain situation.. but we are just like that ant, we can only walk between people to get what we want.