She looked blankly at her laptop screen. She had been doing the same for the past hour and couldn't figure out why she found that cold glow so comforting, so peaceful. It was a break from the real world, she told herself. a brief respite from the people and pressure she had to put up with. But a small part of her couldn't help wondering- Was she becoming one of those techno-zombies she claimed to despise for the better part of her life? Was she shutting out the beauty and undeniable joy she had felt when she watched that sunrise, or got drenched in the rain? Was she so consumed by the meaningless chatter of the strangers at some distant corner of the world, that she now couldn't step out without feeling out of place? But then again, she admitted, she'd never been comfortable out there... there were people there. People who sneer and laugh and scream and were so befuddling and different from who she was. She had tried to be one of them for so long, all her life. she had smiled when she felt like exploding, made small talk when she would've given anything to be alone, comforted when she was the one who needed it above all else. But they had seen through the facade. and even when they didn't, she couldn't keep it up. She was forever destined to be on the fringes, an observer. she sought solace in the world inside her head, made up exciting adventures like all the heroes she'd grown up believing in before she realised that they were but puffs of smoke- gone in a breath. What is a thought but that evanescent crescendo that gives so much joy for a second before taking its leave? And thoughts were all she had- they were her anchors, keeping her grounded and with a semblance of control. in a world of grey, they added color and the occasional smile. She would long for the day she'd finally be the person she aspired to be, but was too consumed by the vastness of her flaws. She was confused, so terribly confused, as to whose standards to judge herself by- the ones who put beauty above all else, with clothes being the crowning glory? Or should it be the ones who put intellect in a pedestal? Where only one's intelligence mattered? She was aware of a gut wrenching fear that one day, everyone would see her for who she was- one who lacked all those standards that were so sacred to many, one who barely skated by pretending to possess some of them. she could also not help but wonder about the unfairness of it all- how some won the genetic lottery, some sleight of the divine hand, and appeared to possess virtually everything, while others toiled all their lives, wasting every waking moment and yet failing to obtain even some of these apparently all encompassing qualities. She wondered if even those qualities that were supposedly a person's choice, like their kindness or empathy, were really a choice. After all, everything a person is is composed of things so wildly out of their control. she was also aware that she might have been one of the fortunate few at the lottery and could have ended up with much, much worse. But yet the voice inside her kept taunting, mocking, pointing at her flaws until she tore at her hair and her skin, wanting to kill it, to somehow silence it. She was scared beyond description of what the future would bring, if the years that appeared to pick up speed would grant her the one thing she wanted above all else,albeit with a twinge of guilt- she longed to be happy. she wanted to be at peace, with no fears and no sorrow- she wanted the world she'd so readily believed in as a child to be real. She wanted a world where the ambitions and greed do not corrupt the innocent, where an endless race to literal death wouldn't destroy the spirit of childhood and love. And yet, for all her thoughts and all her wondering, she failed to ever move, to speak, to love. and so her dreams and her hopes were but smudges on the grand tapestry of the universe, gone in the blink of an eye, and the earth kept turning, the people kept living, and the birds kept singing into the night.
Story