I woke up and i went downstairs. I couldn't sleep any longer with those noices comming from the living room. When i looked at my mom she turned her back on me. I guess she was still mad because of yesterday. Another fight turned her into an emotionless mad woman who i couldn't recognize as my mom. Maybe i shouldn't have said that i wish i wasn't born. It's just that i don't really feel like she loves me or wants me in her life because she is always buisy with her online friends. Everytime when we fight she starts ignoring me and this can last for days. So i went to the fridge to make me some breakfast. "Get me a drink" my sister says. She is so annoying, she has ADHD and adderal as medicine but most of the time she refuses to take it or she lies about it. "Is it so hard to get of your lazy ass and do it yourself" i said, pretty annoyed of the fact that she always expects others to do everything for her. But when i ask her anything she'll call me names and if i respond my mother will get angry again and it's always my fault. It is always my fault. "You are an egoist" she said. "You are in the kitchen so get me a drink". I want to leave so bad. I dont wonder anymore why my older sister left. I totally get it. I take my breakfast to the couch and look at the tv. She is watching these annoying programs again, so much noice. And there's my headache again. My sister starts kicking me. I yell at her "can you please act a bit normal?! Please take your goddamn medicine. I can't stand it when you act like a brat." A lot of screaming and yelling and mom blames me again. "Robin, leave your sister alone. Everything went perfect this morning but you had to ruin it again. Is it that hard to get your little sister a drink?" and ofcourse i couldnt help it but yell back. "Maybe you should act like a mother and teach this annoying pig some manners". I shouldn't have said that. There she goes. I duck quickly and dodged the bag with frozen bread. I want to leave so bad.
Starving
The older i get the worse it becomes. My mom stopped taking care of us years ago. "You made this mess and you will clean it". Thats what she said to 7 year old kids. I don't know what happened to her. She used to be such a loving and caring mother but at some point something must have snapped. I miss my mom, the caring one. We had this one chamber. The one we used to sleep in. I wonder how i survived in there. It was such a mess, it was almost incredible to walk. You couldnt take a step without standing on a bunch of toys and clothes. Sometimes my sister and I tried to clean it but we gave up after those moments when my mother came in, angry, and grabbed the box with toys and turned it upside down. We had just cleaned it and now she throws everything on the ground again. As i grew older i got a lot more responsibility, more than the average kid. The tasks my mom should do became mine. I had to do groceries, do the dishes and clean the cages of our guinea pigs. It was way more fun when i went with my mom together. Years ago before she changed. Now i have to go alone. Although it depends on how much she still has left to spend on food. Due to my older sister she met IMVU, this online MMO chat she spend all her money on again. Mostly she or my sister ate the last bit of food without letting me know. But now no one has food. I had to go to the farmland again and steal potatoes and onions. It's not that hard to do, it became routine. It's just so unfair that i had to go all by myself. I have to take my bike and fill multiple bags with food and carry them back. She hates me. They all do. I just feel it.
Time to leave
This is it. I am not staying any longer. She kept yelling at me again, they blamed me for my older sisters walk away. It wasn't me. I didn't do this to her. How is this my fault? I walked to the door, slammed it behind me and start running. Even though she ain't the thinnest person i still was afraid she would follow me and smash my head to the ground. Sometimes i could feel the pressure and it felt like she was on the edge of deciding to kill me. I'd tried it a few times. But everytime i couldn't find the courage to really do it. I'd tried to drown myself or hang myself. But there was always something that happened so i couldn't do it. Like while trying to drown myself i passed out andwoke up with my head above the water. I was really confused and didn't knew what happened. Or that time when i tried to hang myself when my mother said she hated me and that i am an accident, the rope broke. Finally. I've reached my granny's home. I rang the bell crying. She saw me trough the window and came to the door as fast as she could. "what happened?" she said. I couldn't stop crying. After explaining what happened she calmed me down and looked at my grandpa. A few years ago my older sister lived at her place too. My mom always fought with my granny about that and she couldn't do it again. She send me back home. And again i couldn't escape this nightmare.
This time you can stay
I finally went to highschool. I'd almost reached the age of 13 and i felt excited. Finally a chance to start over. New people, no judgement because of the strange kid i was before in the elementary school. I hope they won't bully me again. These 9 years on this godforsaken christian school were hell and I hope i will have real friends. This is how i met Sophie. Sadly i lost her after 2 years when sme met this boy and when i met drugs. This first autumn in highschool i had the worst fight with my mom i can remember. I stood up for my grandma which was on holiday. When she came back i told her i really coulnd't hold it any longer, i couldnt stay. It eats me alive. She took me with her and i stayed 2 years. These years we're sadly full of bullying. Two girls from my elementary school also came to the same school and they told everyone in my class lies about me. They made a fool of me. Nobody liked me. Nobody talked to me and again i was "the strange quiet girl". Luckily Sophie talked to me and we became best friends. My life couldn't get any better. She always stood up for me and i fell in love. At first sight i didn't notice that i really fel for her, i thought it was just a friend-love feeling. Thats when i found out that i am pansexual. After 2 years with a lot of fun and great memories she sadly met this guy. I really am happy for her that she has found her soulmate, but it hurts that she just trew everything away for him. Even our precious friendship. These great memories turned into burning thoughts that hurt. When she abandoned me i met new people. New friends i thought. I didnt realise that they would let me sink harder than ever before. I had reached the age of 15 and started smoking pot. It was to kill the time and pain. I've lost the only person i wanted in my life. The girl who always stood up for me and loved me back. I got insecure again about myself. Was it me? Was the other new girl more interesting than me? I had to move on but i couldnt, even though i tried so hard. In my 3th year on high school i decided to switch. My aunt and granny helped me to switch school. I didn't tell anyone in my class. No one knew i had only 3 more days left. Finally, the last day on this goddamn school. It made me sad that Sophie weren't there. I thought that maybe if she was there and knew that i would leave she'd spend her last day with me. But she weren't there. And so i left. While i switched from school and moved to my dad, it got worse and i met this boy who looked so innocent. He actually were a sweet boy, gave me love and gave me pot i loved so bad. Sadly the drugs kicked to hard in sometimes and he gave me weed and alcohol. I knew that at the first time i combinated them i had a bad trip but he promised me he'd take care of me and that he would make sure i'd feel good and comfortable. So i did it. Again. Not aware of his thoughts. After 2 weeks of being together i fully trust him. I drank alcohol and smoked a blunt and i became dizzy. I couldn't think normally and didn't knew what was happening. While i wasn't unaware of what was happening he took my virginity. He drugged me on purpose and raped me. As soon as i heard from a friend if i liked it i broke up with him. I'd spilled my precious first time. This is not what i wanted.
Oh my Punk
I remember my first day at the new school like it was yesterday. When i walked in and looked behind me i saw a group of boys sitting next to the window. And oh my.. Here was this hot looking guy with his mohawk. I really wanted to get to know him better. Somehow i had this feeling inside, of insecurity. I was bullied for so long and now here i am. A new girl, a fresh start, nobody knows me and i can whoever i want. I had this grin on my face. This dark grin that i normally had when i pictured the bullies covered in blood while i held the knife. If they just ignored me i'd be fine with it. But they shouldn't have kicked me of my bike 9 months ago. They shouldn't have thrown me on the ground and kicked me. If it was only one it wouldnt be a problem. I am not afraid to fight, i never was. But there were 20 other kids around me. Laughing. And i never had these murdering feelings before. My grin turned into a smile. I won't let them walk over me again. This time it will be different. So i straightened my back, turned my eyes once more on this misterious gorgeous boy and walked further. I never realised that this could be it. The boy i was looking for my whole life. All i had to do is meet him, and i would. I'd make sure that i'll find a way. I found this gorgeous boy on facebook and found out his name is Ernesto. And i added him.
So after a month on this school i noticed this other boy. His name was Kevin. So when i searched for him on social media i met this other guy. At first sight i thought it was kevin and that i misunderstood their conversations, maybe i heard the name of a friend of his. And thats how i met youri. We became very close, tried a relationship for a week but it didn't turn out that well. So we became great friends. One day i asked him if he had Ernesto's phone number and after whining for minutes he gave me his number. And i started a conversation. It didn't really work out that well. He didnt talk a lot to me so i let it go. Also, i still had this boyfriend who gave me weed every day. I shouldn't be doing this.
Kings night
At kings night i smoked to much. I couldnt see straight and i wanted it to stop. Weed didnt make me that happy anymore. But then my friend Melanie runned into me and said: "Ernesto is here! Come, let's say hi to him". And we did. I walked away from my current boyfriend to this misterious guy and i reached out my hand. "Hi, i'm Robin, now we finally meet" i said. And we shaked hands. After that my boyfriend took my hand and said let's go and get some food. My feet felt so heavy, i couldn't walk. "wait" i said. "It feels so strange, can we wait a bit longer?". He said to me that i had to stop complaining and just follow them to the snackbar. I walked across the bridge and i couldn't feel nor move my legs anymore so i almost fel to the ground. I quickly pulled my arms around the closest tree and said i really couldn't go any further. He took my hand and tried to pull me away from the tree but my legs completely gave up and i fel to the ground. The grass never felt so soft. For a moment i felt free. Free from him. He never understood my feelings, my life or anything else about me. He didn't know me. So we walked back and waited for my sister to come back with food. I felt guilty. I loved my sibling and i'd never forgive myself if anything would happen to her. What have i done. I should have gone with her but instead i let my 2 years younger sister walk alone through the city in the middle of the night during a fest. Who is this heartless creature.
Hold me, love me
Somehow Ernesto and i talked more. We found out we both played League of Legends and that we both liked anime. So this one night before i had to go to the psychiatrist for the last time we stood up al night and talked on skype, played league of legends and looked Attack on titan together. The next morning i was tired as hell. I hadn't slept but it was alright. I'm not going to school anyway.
While my father drove me to school i said to him "can you drop me off at the mall, then i'll get me some breakfast first and walk to school further". He agreed. He stopped at the mall, gave me a kiss and said goodbye. I got me some breakfast and texted Ernesto that he could come and get me. After 10 minutes he poked me. And there he is. He is so beautiful..
We talked a lot while walking to his house. And when we finally where there we went to his room. After a lot of talking he bend over and kissed me. This where te most magical minutes of my life. And without noticing i pulled him closer. I lay on my back with him on top of me. Our kiss was so intense. And i felt it deep inside, this is it. This is him. The guy i've been dreaming of my whole life. And so i took off his shirt, he took mine off and so on. And for the first time i felt love instead of habit.