Wishful Thinking?

A failed attempt. Pretty much.

I broke down. It’s like a need. You need it everyday. That one person’s attention. That one person you expect so much from. How can two souls be so intermingled? Or is it just the bodies? Is it heavenly? Or is it pure materialistic? Hard to say. So you just play along, and hope for it to be the extra terrestrial feeling. The heavenly one. Because it is so much that. It is an obsession. You want to see them everyday. And you want to be so close. The touch, the breath, the skin, the eyes, the smile - just enough to drive someone mad. And you know the distance is soon going to cease to exist, but each moment is just so difficult. It is so sickening to wait. Maybe it is the wait that makes you realise the value of something. But again, you're not even sure. It’s there today, and tomorrow it is not. It’s all so muddled up. Life ain’t an easy show, and love - is deadly.

A lot of Wishful thinking. Maybe I’m still a teenager. Or maybe, I am finally evolving in an adult.

And it’s always like that. You think of something. Something that has been a burden for so long. And then you decide to let it go. And bam! you just can’t. The time, the circumstances. You decide to stay away, and it starts approaching you. Like a wave, to cover you all over, and then drown you. If I learn to drown my sorrows, they just learn to swim back to the top. Or maybe this is all an excuse to avoid to let go. At one moment you are so determined to leave it all behind, and at another moment, it just punches you on the face. It’s so uncertain.

And oh love. So painful. The feelings of care, love, affection should be non existent. Only if I could be devoid of all human sentiment. Yes, I wish for that. But then, how would I respond to the fog, to the trees, to the sun. Maybe I want to be devoid of all human sentiment towards humans.

It is just so funny how emotions don’t see a difference between rational and irrational. Maybe we do have two pathways- the brain and the heart. Another irrational thing to write. Someone remarked today, “What I have been able to understand so far is that, everything else out there is fake, and only lust is real. That’s the only genuine thing.” And I was in agreement. Everything so fake.

I mean, right at this moment. Right now, I feel like crying, and screaming. But I’m sitting here so calm. So numb. Maybe this is the fun about anger, till the time you don’t have an outlet, it just wont go. It will eat you up. On the inside. I’m bleeding out is what iTunes has to sing. But I ain’t bleeding out, I’m bleeding inside. And I guess everyone is. Everyone is bleeding on the inside, and all patched up on the outside. Some even have make up on their scars.

Loneliness sure is a devil. It eats you up. Eats up the person you are. Eats up the person you want to be. Being alone is never a choice. For anybody. Never.

And Taylor Swift goes, I bet, this time of the night you're still up. I bet you're tired from a long hard week. I bet, you're sitting in your chair by the window, looking out at the city and I bet, sometimes you wonder about me.

She writes to connect. And its so lame. But, it just does every time. It connects.