I delayed for quite some time; I stared blankly at the screen for about half an hour, I’m sure that isn’t unusual, I know people who do nothing but stare at screens- it seems to be their life- mine too, come to think of it, but this was different, usually I was productive- sometimes- sometimes I was productive… I lost my point.
Strangely- in the end- I didn’t even need to message her. She popped up before I typed anything, this is pretty much how it went:
Mel: Do you think I’m a bad person?
Interesting- This could work to my advantage.
Me: Terrible- what kind of a person has a skinny latte?
Humorous deflection- Nailed it!
Mel: Don’t joke; you know what I mean…
Okay- she wants to be serious- I can do serious.
Me: I don’t recall ever calling you a terrible person Melanie, why would you think that?
Mel: You may not have said it in so many words… but you may as well have.
Is that really how I come across?
Me: Well let me put your fears at rest- I don’t think you are a terrible person, and I never have…
What words to use? How do I accurately convey it? Stupid is too harsh. Silly? Silly is too gentle. Idiotic? Idiotic makes her sound like she believes Asia is a country. Goddamn- come on! You are better than this!
Me: …Good at making bad decisions? Sure. Misguided? Definitely… but never a bad person. I don’t believe you have it in you to be bad.
Oh god, she is taking a long time to reply… I thought I came across as ambiguous, was I too harsh? Have I done it again? Repeating history was fucking stupid- and cliché too. Oh- she’s replied.
Mel: Misguided… in my choice of men?
Me: Bingo.
Mel: Well… What is so wrong with Metro?
She cannot be serious. I mean- seriously- she cannot be serious.
Me: You serious?
Mel: Seriously.
I become aware that serious now doesn’t even sound like a word anymore. I guess an explanation is in order.
Me: Did I not mention he was named after the underground?
Mel: No.
Me: I didn’t?
I didn’t? Shit! No, I just thought about it.
Me: Well my apologies- I was wrong- he’s a newspaper: http://metro.co.uk/
Am I proud of myself? Yeah- I’m proud of myself.
Mel: Haha, alright, aside from his name?
Me: Honestly… you don’t see the faults in him?
The many,
Many,
Many,
Many,
Many,
Many,
Many
Mel: ALRIGHT! JESUS!
No need to bring our lord and saviour into this; maybe I overdid it- just a tad.
Me: Fine- honestly- do you want me to list them?
Mel: If that is what it takes.
Me: Fine.
He dresses like a douchebag.
He looks like a douchebag.
He acts like a douchebag.
Mel: Are you sure you aren’t just envious of him?
Goddamn you, Melanie, you just set me up for this shit.
Me: Wow, Melanie- you got me- you caught me red handed.
I AM envious of him, I am so, so jealous.
I just wish I could be as clever as him, and as cool. I just wish I had his natural charm and wit.
Mel: I noticed you missed out looks.
Low blow… low blow.
Me: Fine- he is a better physical specimen than me, he has a better body and he is better looking- is that what you wanted to hear?
Mel: It is nice to know you have some humility.
Me: Humility? When have I ever given you the impression that I am anything less the a humble soul?
What is she even talking about? I’ve never been a cocky individual- not like her beloved Metro.
Mel: I’ve seen what you do to people on Facebook, I’ve seen how you bring them down, you think you are really clever knocking people down a peg or two?
Wow, here I am talking about how my actions online have no consequence in my day to day life, and here it is- evidence to the contrary. I feel pretty shitty about myself- but that’s okay, time to fight back.
Me: Have you seen the people I ‘knock down a peg or two’ do you really care about any of them? They deserve to be hung up to dry- get it? Peg? Washing line?
Yeah, okay, I’m a complete twat. Did I really just write that? Fuck me!
Mel: Hilarious.
Me: Okay- look- do you want me to apologise for what I’ve said to people? Does that genuinely concern you?
Mel: No, I just always thought better of you.
Me: When did this become an attack on me, exactly?
Mel: Probably when you started attacking my boyfriend!
Me: First of all- I would never do that- have you seen that guy? And second- I’m pretty sure you asked me to tell you what I disliked about him.
Stephen! Stop with all the smart-arse bullshit!
Me: Okay, I’m sorry, genuinely.
Mel: It’s okay, I’m just having a bit of a crisis, and I thought seeing you again might ground me or something… I don’t know.
Crisis?
Me: What do you mean?
Mel: I’m just having trouble figuring out what I’m doing with my life you know? I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore.
Me: The whole law degree thing?
Mel: Jesus, Stephen, you wouldn’t believe the amount of fucking work that goes into a law degree! I’ve never been so stressed in my life…
Me: I know I asked this before, but honestly now, why did you change your career choice?
It’s a while before she answers, and I find that I’m genuinely curious as to what she has to say, and find myself even somewhat concerned about her future.
Mel: You know what people think of girls who do beauty courses don’t you?
Me: I have a good idea.
Mel: I don’t want people to think that I’m some dumb bimbo who doesn’t care about anything other than manicures and hair extensions.
I sigh deeply.
Me: Melanie, I never saw you that way, I mean sure, you took a lot of care and pride in your looks, still do, I imagine, but that does not mean you are that kind of person, you know what I saw? I saw a girl who was following her dreams, not some idiot who has no other options, if you wanted to do that, and it made you happy, why should you give a fuck about what anyone else thinks?
***
Mel: Thank you, Stephen.
Those three little words seem to mean so much. Why?
Me: You’re welcome, Melanie.
Me: BTW, I’m assuming you are actually good at hair and beauty- because if you aren’t, well then, ignore everything I just said :P
Mel: Want me to come round and do your makeup some time?
Me: I don’t know- will it make me prettier than your boyfriend?
Mel: Never. xD
We actually have some back and forth going on, this is good right? But- I’m going to have to bring the tone down- again.
Me: You know he is no good for you, don’t you?
There is some delay this time.
Mel: I don’t know that, Stephen-
Me: All joking aside, apart from his name- and my Jesus fucking Christ- it is a goddamn stupid name- I mean seriously- Metro? Were his parents’ tube dwellers?
Our lord and saviour suddenly becomes appropriate; I’m straying from my point again, aren’t I?
Me: Sorry.
Me: What I’m trying to say is, you’ve never had anyone who has been even remotely on your level, emotionally or intellectually. Metro is just the same- yes he’s buff, and yes he is good looking, but all he really is…
…is a sack of shit decorated with daisies.
Me: Ermm… I don’t really know why I chose that particular image to demonstrate my point. I’ll be honest I don’t think a sack of shit is made all that more appealing if decorated with daises. It just sounded good, okay? The main point being, beyond surface beauty, there is nothing good underneath, yeah?
Me: Sorry, Again.
And now I wait. I wonder why I still care so much, why I am going to such lengths to try and sabotage this relationship of hers? Is it because I still have feelings for her buried somewhere deep down, or is it simply because of my burning hatred of Metro? Probably a bit of both- god- could I really still have feelings for this girl? I thought I was over all this shit.
Mel: I don’t know Stephen- sometimes you have to take a leap of faith.
Me: Well how many leaps of faith have you taken Melanie? And how many times have you fallen flat on your backside?
Mel: I’m sorry, Stephen.
Me: Sorry for what?
Mel: For hurting you.
Oh God, no.
Me: It’s fine Melanie, it’s not your fault.
I need to think of something to stop her on this path she is heading down. Quickly! Quickly!
Me: Listen, It’s not my place to dictate your life, if you want to see Metro that is entirely up to you, all I ask is that you listen to what I say and take it on board, because- I still care about you.
Now I really should go.
Mel: Oh, okay, well thank you Stephen.
***
Mel: Speak to you again, soon?
Me: Definitely.
Definitely?
Mel: Okay, bye then x
Me: Goodbye, Melanie.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Should I have put a kiss? goddamn, it’s too late now! I don’t even know anymore!
You let your guard down Stephen, and it bit you in the ass, well done! It would seem that I do- in fact- still have feelings for Melanie, even after all this time, and all these years, and everything I have learnt; I still care.
So that was that, I think now the situation probably calls for another coffee meet, and maybe this time, she can leave her heavily muscled newspaper at home…
Part III
Starbucks, The Final Frontier- okay, that was a lousy intro, my apologies, let me start again:
Hello! I have just returned from what I’m almost 100% certain will be my last coffee meet with Melanie- ever. It went pretty well in my opinion. Well, I suppose technically it was an absolute train wreck… But you win some and you lose some, I suppose.
First, allow me to put into words my thoughts before arriving to meet Melanie. I was somewhat confused at best, utterly lost at the worst, I had never experienced such mixed feelings before in my life. It had become apparent to me that I still wanted her, and there was nothing I could do to rid myself of that, but at the same time, I still felt a certain sense of disdain towards her, maybe it was because she was the author of her own misery, or perhaps it was simply because I still hadn’t forgiven her for rejecting me way back when… Of course, this made me angry at myself, I felt like a child again, getting angry and frustrated at such petty, trivial things, I was meant to have grown into… what? Maturity? But here I was, still whining and moaning because I hadn’t gotten exactly what I wanted. In reality, I guess most of us are all still spoiled, little brats deep inside.
But I didn’t have a massive amount of time to dwell on it as it turned out.
This time, when I walked through the doors, she was there, waiting for me, which told me things were going to be different from the start. This was a far more serious affair- in case you haven’t been paying attention thus far- I don’t do serious very well.
There was no Metro either- people were gonna have to find another way to get around. It’s not like a tube strike is anything new these days anyway…
I’m straying- I know- i’m sorry, i’m working hard not to!
She looked different. It wasn’t anything to do with physical appearance, she looked- changed. I felt pity for her; a strange kind of pity. She saw me and smiled a warm, caring smile. My heart shook and my stomach instantly filled itself with metaphorical, semi-digested butterflies.
“Stephen! It’s good to see you again…”
“You too, Melanie, how have you been?”
“Good- yeah, I’ve been good- you?”
“Fantastic, swell, brilliant, delightful, all of the above”
She laughed at me and then stopped pretty abruptly when it became apparent she was laughing AT me instead of WITH me. Jesus Christ, I was a wreck. We ordered our coffees, she bought them both this time, I didn’t object. She ordered a latte- I’m still unsure whether she did that on purpose to make me notice, did it on purpose and hoped I wouldn’t notice, or whether she did it absentmindedly due to what I had said previously. Either way, I instantly felt ashamed of the effect I had, so no matter what her motive, she still managed to provoke another emotion to flare inside me. Good job, Mel.
“So- how are things with you? We didn’t actually speak about you all that much- the last time we spoke.”
“We spoke enough about me for my liking” I chuckled nervously. She politely chuckled with me.
“Still- I feel bad going on about myself all the time- how is your family?”
I don’t know why she felt the need to bring my family into the mix, but either way she did, and from that point there was no escaping the matter.
“You know my family… still turbulent, still at each other’s throats.”
“Ah, I see… I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s okay, you would expect after all this time that they would have managed to resolve some of their issues by now, but no- if anything they just keep making things worse and worse with no consideration for me at all.”
“So… the divorce?”
“It’s gone through, my parents are officially separated, but that doesn’t stop them from verbally bludgeoning each other, and they like to use me as a chess piece, not that either of them actually takes into consideration how I feel.”
Again- I felt like a child- and more than that, why the hell was I talking about all this stuff with her? I needed to turn this back on her, I couldn’t handle talking about us and family in the same damn sitting.
“And your family?” I said, sipping the froth from the top of my coffee.
“They’re alright, nothing really going on with them; I don’t see them all that much anyway… not anymore.”
“Of course- University and all that jazz.”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah.
I think there is a lot to be said for awkward silences. Sometimes they can be hilarious, I’ve always enjoyed them anyway, mainly because when you laugh it breaks the tension and everyone starts laughing, unless it’s something- you know- really serious. Laughing at a silence during a funeral- for example- would not exactly be appropriate, although I imagine it would still be quite funny, the forbidden laughs are always the sweetest. I say all this because, whilst I most often enjoy these kinds of things, in this situation, I couldn’t hate anything more. The silence lasted longer than I care to think about. We didn’t look each other in the eye. We listened to other people’s conversations rather than engaging in our own. We sipped our coffees in the beginning, now we began to gulp them down, simply because it was one of the only things we could do other than sit opposite to one another, not daring to speak or move. I would have laughed, had I not felt so ashamed, awkward and ultimately humiliated.
You might be wondering, what exactly was it that made things so awkward? I’ve been pondering this myself, the reason I was feeling awkward/nervous/anxious/like a goddamn wuss, was because I realised I had feelings for her still and wasn’t entirely sure how to act. The only logical conclusion I can come to about her own awkwardness then, is that she was in the exact same position as me, she must have realised, somewhere along the line, that she did actually care for me on some level; a level she had never previously considered before.
Then something happened which was of the greatest relief to me, because it meant I could relieve all of the tension that was building at that moment.
Melanie spied something- someone. Sitting in the corner of the shop.
Someone- with someone else.
HER someone- with someone else!
I noticed her looking intently over my shoulder and asked what the matter was. She didn’t say a word for a while, I looked over my shoulder but did not see anything of significance, and she simply continued to stare. Eventually she spoke to me.
“I think- I think that is Metro over there.”
Obviously I had looked before, when I first saw her glancing past me, but I didn’t see Metro, but then again, I wasn’t keeping my eye out for him. But sure enough, when I glanced back for the second time there he was. Not only that, he was there with a girl, a girl with long jet-black hair. I couldn’t see her face as her head was turned away from us, but that did not matter- he was with another girl!
I suppose the correct thing to feel at that moment would have been pity- or sympathy- for Melanie, as the discovery of her evident asswipe of a boyfriend potentially cheating on her would be distressing- for her at least. However, not being in exactly the correct frame of mind, instead I felt a nice, smug sense of satisfaction, followed by a very, very inappropriate sense of amusement. Especially- oh, how I enjoyed that moment- when he leaned in to kiss the mystery girl and Melanie swiftly got to her feet.
Naturally she stormed over there, and I- somewhat behind due to my savouring of the moment- remained in my seat, until it became apparent what was happening and I quickly followed behind her as best I could.
“What the hell is this?” she exclaimed, much to the delight of every customer in the place. Metro separated his face from the face of the mystery girl and looked up at Melanie. Clearly bewildered, he simply stared for a while. I did my best to suppress laughter as I looked at his face; clearly his brain was very, very, very slowly coming to terms with what was going on. The words that his brain decided were the most appropriate for the situation were appalling.
“Hi, Melanie.”
“Hi? Hi? That’s what you have to say- to this?” she pointed at the girl, nearly taking her eye out as she did. The next words that came out of his mouth were no improvement.
“You’re with him?” I actually winced at that one, I could feel Melanie’s wrath boiling inside her so intensely I was afraid of being scorched.
“ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW? YOU’RE SUCKING THE FACE OFF THIS BITCH, AND YOU QUESTION WHAT I’M DOING WITH AN OLD FRIEND? FUCK YOU!”
“Who are you?” the girl asked, somewhat innocently. I caught a glimpse of her face then as she turned to look at us. She was Asian- at least part Asian- and unbelievably attractive. She had dark hair and dark eyes, a button nose and a light distribution of freckles on her face. I had to give it to Metro; he had good taste in women.
“I’m his girlfriend! Who are you?”
“His girlfriend.”
I could see that Melanie was about to explode, her face had gone bright red and there was fury in her eyes, Metro actually looked somewhat frightened. Obviously, at this point I felt the need to have my say.
“Hey Metro, nice to see you again- good venue for a date, don’t you think?”
“I’ll give you a fucking venue!” he bellowed, rising from his chair.
“What?” I laughed. He evidently didn’t know what venue meant, “I don’t know why you are getting mad, I was complimenting your taste, clearly this place is so good that you have to bring all your girlfriends here- it’s good planning on your part I would say.”
Melanie shot me a dirty look which instantly silenced me and wiped the amused grin from my face.
“So, you’re cheating on me?”
“No!” This time I did let out a small chuckle, but I don’t think anyone heard. I was extremely anxious to see him talk his way out of this… He didn’t disappoint.
“It’s not cheating if you are both my girlfriends.”
I exploded. I mean… seriously, how could anyone be that fucking stupid?
Melanie turned on me, her punches barely even registered through the hysterical laughter, but eventually she gave up and turned her rage back to Metro.
“You’re a two-timing, idiotic little shit!” she bellowed, now throwing her fists at him, doing even less damage than she did to me.
“What about you?” he yelled back, “with him?” Melanie seemed lost for words at the very idea. Fortunately, I wasn’t.
“Well Metro, it wouldn’t be cheating if we were both her boyfriends.”
He lurched for me. Luckily by this point the staff had become aware of the situation and two security guards from the shopping centre appeared at that exact moment to save me from the savage, Neanderthal fists that belonged to Metro, we were all thrown out, but not before I told them I hadn’t finished my coffee. They weren’t too impressed with that.
Metro’s second girlfriend- girlfriend.2, girlfriend#2, girlfriend B… you get the idea… he had two girlfriends- managed to slap him around the face before walking off without another word.
Melanie however, managed to stay a while longer just to reprimand him. I won’t go into the details of the lecture, needless to say, it was long, painful, tearful and condemning, but somehow for me, it was made redundant by the fact I imagined she’d given the exact same lecture many times before, just in a different context, to different douchebags. Then she turned to me.
“As for you- you enjoy that? getting your thrills from other people’s misery and pain? Someone like that- someone like you- could never truly care for someone else.”
She was right, I knew she was, but I thought she ought to know that it was her who made me this way.
“Maybe you are right, maybe I do enjoy it too much, and it is inappropriate, it’s cruel, and it’s vile, but maybe the only reason I do, is because I spent too much time caring that in the end I had to give it up, because it was hurting me too much to see someone I cared about being constantly fucked over,” Her face seemed to drop, and her eyes told me she suddenly understood, “I used to care- about everyone- about everything- about you, but how can I anymore, when there is nothing but sadness waiting for me if I do?”
“Too many times I watched you get hurt, and I combated it the only way I knew how, with crippling sarcasm and strict cynicism”.
She didn’t say anything else. She just stared at me for a while, taking in my words, and then she left. She didn’t even look at Metro, who for some reason had lingered while we had been talking. I looked at him; I saw his big muscled frame and his tiny, confused brain and almost felt pity for him.
“Sorry for what I said, Metro,” I smiled, “it’s hard enough losing one girlfriend, let alone two at the same time.” Somehow, he knew that I wasn’t being a cocky dick this time. He didn’t say anything at first, he just looked at me; then he uttered one word:
“Why?”
That was probably the only remotely intelligent thing he had asked me since we had met. I still don’t know whether he was asking why I was sorry, or why should I be sorry when he wasn’t, or maybe he meant something else entirely, maybe he meant it rhetorically, not that he would know what that meant. Regardless of the true nature of his question, the answer was always going to be the same.
“I don’t know.” With that, I began to walk away, but then turned around for one last comment, “your second girlfriend- she was pretty hot.” He smiled at me… for the first and last time.
“Yeah, she is”
And that was it.
Now? Who knows what happens next? I’m certain I will not be seeing Melanie again. Obviously I didn’t have some form of epiphany and suddenly realise I didn’t care about her- no, quite the opposite, I came to realise that as long as I held out hope that something might develop between us, I would always crave her attention, so to combat that, even if she does contact me again, I will make every effort not to indulge her, because it would just be prolonging something that will only cause me more dissatisfaction, and besides- she doesn’t care about me in that way- I may as well flog a dead horse, that’s a very morbid saying, and I’ve never liked it, but I must admit it accurately conveys the point I’m trying to make.
In the end- I suppose I’m happier. I’ve learnt some things too- I’m too quick to judge, and it isn’t my right to judge anyway… I mean sometimes people need putting in their place, but who am I, with all my flaws, to do so? Also, if I’m to look for love, which I do believe, despite the odds, I will eventually find, it will probably be better not to come across so… me. Who knows? Maybe that hot, Asian, second girlfriend of Metro’s will be my future lover? I can dream!
For some reason this whole experience has left me with one resounding emotion… something which I don’t fully understand… hope. Maybe I will look her up after all. Maybe things will go well. Maybe we’ll connect. Maybe we will talk online for a while, and then I’ll ask her out on a date, and we can have some words over coffee.
Fin… or something of that nature.