Storytelling Is About Listening

I was listening to a podcast yesterday where the guest was Alan Alda, a legendary TV and film actor who was the star of M*A*S*H, the most popular TV show in the history of American television. Seriously, half of the population of the US saw their final episode in 1983.

Anyway, during this interview, Alda said a thing that I haven’t stopped thinking about. He said…

'The person who is trying to communicate something has to be a better listener than the person listening.'

When you’re in a conversation, one in which you’re mildly interested, you’re not focusing too much on listening. Many times, we just want the other person to finish what they are saying so we can either say our thing or just end the misery right there and politely walk away.

The equivalent of that in storytelling would be if I wrote a story, and only cared about my intentions, my goals, my process, my understanding of what I’m talking about, and the worst of all - my satisfaction of having told you a story thinking that this is what you wanted.

Doesn’t sound good, does it?

Let’s try another scenario then. Imagine you’re in a conversation with someone you care about. Someone you admire. Someone who matters to you. And this someone’s thoughts, opinions, and reactions actually affect your behavior, your understanding of the what you’re talking about, and your own point of view. Basically, imagine that you’re on a first date with a person you’re really looking forward to have a second date. When you talk to this person, you notice everything about them. The color of their eyes, the way they play with their hair, the way they smile at you when you’re talking.

That’s how you should treat your audience. Like you’re on a first date. Nervous. Excited. Focussed. Present. And potentially in love.

Because the equivalent of that conversation in storytelling would be if I wrote a story, and from the first sentence, I am thinking about you, my reader. Why are you here? How can I keep you? How do I make you think about something that means a lot to me? How do I show you that I wrote this thing just for you? How do I impress you without looking like I’m desperate for your approval? Because I’m not! Really…

Sure, sure. Saying it is easy. Giving analogies is easy. Comparing writing to a first date is easy. But how do you actually do it?

First off, let’s get one thing out of the way - telling a story is much, much easier than a first date. Why? Because of one very special button on your phone or computer keyboard: delete.

I’ll tell you the truth because I don’t know how to lie - I’ve had many, many first dates… by writing them. They go a lot easier when you can take back what you just said and try something else.

So yes, back to the ‘how’.

Storytelling is about communicating. Of course the story only really works if there is someone to tell it to. But you can’t just deliver a story like it’s a sermon from the mountain top, with no interaction. So how do you talk to your audience without them being present when you're writing?

This is where your imagination comes in. And it’s a simple three step process -

Step 1: Imagine what your reader will feel when he/she reads the sentence.

Step 2: Plan your next sentence based on that reaction.

Step 3: Go back to Step 1.

I know, I know, you have questions. How do I predict the correct reaction? How do I plan for multiple different reactions across multiple different readers? And even if I do all that, how do I know that what I wrote in the next sentence is even the right application of what I assumed the reader was thinking?

Don’t worry! I’m here to answer all of your questions. How? Because I know them. I know you. Because I am you. #Inception

That hashtag isn’t (just) a joke, because all of this really is about inception - the act of making you think what I want you to think. And the only way you get good at inception is practice.

I’ve been asked many, many times how I am able to write characters and dialogues that sound ‘real’. People have told me that they relate to my characters and what they are going through. All of this is not intentional bragging (just a happy by-product), but due to intentional intentions. I want you to relate to my characters. I want you to place yourself in their shoes. I want you to speak in their voice. I want you to think you are them.

Because if you can do that - if you can make your audience feel like they are the people you’re writing, then you know what they are thinking because you are the one making them think that.

Let's go back to an important part of the thing Alda said. You, the storyteller,  have to better at listening than the listener. How is that something you can put into your writing? 

I'll give you an example. I have a story called Letters To My Future Wife. The entire story is a one-sided conversation from a fictional me to a fictional future wife. But that's just the premise. What the story really is - a conversation between me and you. And how I put you in the shoes of my future wife, and tell you things that make you feel like we're connected. Like we're actually talking. 

That whole three step process I mentioned - it's less of an instruction manual and more of a map. You're not actually supposed to use it every time you write a new sentence. But it's there to give you a start point, an end point, and loads of ways of making through the journey.

When I wrote that story (in 2015!), I wasn't thinking "what will the reader think of me?" Because that should never be a concern when you're trying to be honest and real. Because if you worry about how you will sound or look, it'll affect the truth you're trying to present. And if you let it affect you, it's no longer honest. And the reader will see that right away. 

What I was thinking when I wrote that big short story (which I believe I wrote in a 24-36 hour period with just a couple breaks) was this ---

"If I tell you a secret, if I show you who I am, how would you react? And then how would your reaction affect what I say next?"

That question is at the core of most of my conversational-stories. If I can make my reaction honest to your reaction, I've succeeded. 

Let's do one more example, this time with a dialogue-heavy story. I have another story - this one is quite short - called One More Night With Isabel. In order for me to tell you how I wrote this one, to be a conversation with my audience, I'm going to have to spoil the ending for you. So if you haven't read it, be warned, or go read it.

Ready? Okay. 

So, as you now know or may not know but are about to know, at the end of the story you find out that the entire story was a figment of Ian's imagination, so the whole conversation he had with Isabel wasn't real because she's dead.

Now, if you're reading that story for the first time, you may not get the sense that she's dead until way later. So up until that moment, you, the reader, believe that this story is a conversation between two people. But once you know that she's been dead for a while, you can see how Ian was basically just talking to himself, and imagining what Isabel would say or how she would react to what he was saying.

That story is basically how I treat all my stories. They are all made up conversations where I just think about something, and then I imagine how you would feel if you read it, and then I write your reaction into the character. 

Everything that I've talked about in this guide isn't a huge revelation. It's been happening for a long, long time. Almost every movie or book or TV show has attempted this by having a main or secondary character be the 'audience proxy'. That means that this character will be an outsider to the initial plot of the story, and will observe and interact with the story the way the audience would if they were in that world. Then, during the second act, the character gets more involved, thus dragging in the audience to make them feel like they are invested in the story. Then finally, in the third act, this character will pretty much always talk about having a profound life-changing experience due to the events of the story. This is how the storyteller is swaying your emotions, or in harsher terms 'manipulating' your feelings to make you feel like you are connected to the story being told.

So, now that I've revealed some not-so-secret revelations here, how are you going to apply them to your stories?

Now, before you get started on your next story, let me leave you with one tiny little thought, something to ponder over the next few moments / hours / days / months / decades... you may even say that this is what I wanted you to think about from the moment you started reading this guide... 

Storytelling is about listening.