I don't know what 2017 is. I don't recall anything that is related with it. I don't know anything about my past. I don't know anyone who must have been part of it.
I don't remember the boy with sharp shoulders and deep eyes with a smoldering smile. I don't recall the night I watched him fall asleep. I don't recall the way his lips and tongue locked into mine in messy afternoon sheets and how he said he didn't want to lose me. I don't recall falling in love with a liar.
I don't remember the girl who pinky-promised me, no boy will ever break our friendship. Or the time she asked if the red dye in her hair was obvious. I don't recall the laughs at the back of the school bus or the prom dresses we hated. I don't recall how she picked the boy who cheated on her by hooking up with random girls on tinder over our friendship. I'm not really sure whether her name starts with Queen or Kim or whatever. I don't remember friendships that lasted for four years that wasn't even real.
I don't remember the girl whom I shared all of my secrets with. I don't know how you can know a person so much you can use their weakness to manipulate them. I don't recall following her orders and feeling inferior and helpless. I don't know what toxic is. I don't recall cutting her off in my life.
I don't remember the girl who was very kind to me and stayed with me whenever I was alone. I don't remember hanging out with her at the cafeteria watching boys who play basketball a little too long that we always ended up getting late for our geometry class. I don't remember the day she was caught in a cctv camera with a phone in her hand and how her family turned their backs on me for something I have no power over. Why did she do that? What have I done? I don't recall.
I don't remember the girl who always hid her pain under a smile. I don't remember spending all of my time hanging out with her and sucking out all the energy I have after being caught up with all of her dramas. I don't remember how she hides almost everything to different people. How she hides almost everything to herself. How she shows a different version of her with different people. How I actually pity her life but she never wanted any help. Her chin was high above the clouds to even admit that her knees are crumbling and she needs a hand and that attention wouldn't keep her alive. I don't remember her fake smiles. I don't.
I don't recall how my family hated me. I don't remember how my grandmother hits me everytime I cry. I don't remember every single one of them cursing me every morning for something I cannot let go. I don't remember wanting to not wake up anymore. I don't remember falling on the ground, helpless and out of control. I don't remember myself screaming at the kitchen wanting to break all the glassware, degrading words spewed on my face calling me a whore, and the fact that the family's name is more important than the well-being of their own daughter. I don't remember how I survived. I don't even remember if I did.
I don't remember the things that still haunt me every night. I don't remember the things I secretly can't forget.