I wore a blue off-shoulder jumpsuit on the 21st of April. It was in the middle of summer 2018 so the heat was almost unbearable in the heart of Manila. Yes, Intramuros.
My sister took a scholarship examination at the Philippine's Best School for Technological courses, Mapua University. Of course I was there to support her and maybe, go for a little stroll around Intramuros with my best friend, Shaina. I was very excited to see her that 2 hours didn't take that long to wait for her to finish her class at the university just beside where my sister took her examination, Lyceum of the Philippines University. When she finally texted me, I immediately waited in front of the university's gate to meet her then we came inside and had a tour.
I know she's a bit nervous about accidentally bumping into her ex in the middle of the hallway but I tried to laugh it off with her and told her there was no need to worry. After all, the chance was very unlikely. Although, it is kind of possible but I was not feeling it. That gut feeling.
"Try it. It's good." She said as she offered me the milktea she was holding. I took a sip. She wasn't kidding.
We walked, and we talked about her current boyfriend who was coincidentally, our former elementary classmate. I told her I was very happy for them and I hope he's the one for my bestie. I don't want to see her in pain anymore and at least, I know this guy personally so I do have the right to call him out when he starts playing around. I'm just kidding.
We took a few selfies then she suggested that I come with her to the milktea shop infront of Lyceum where she bought her milktea.
"It was a treat, by the way. Come on. They're nice and really fun." She said, enthusiastically. I told her I couldn't because the thought of socializing with new people scared the hell out of me.
I stopped and told her, I was supposed to meet this boy who studied in the same university as hers. His name his Luis and he was my first love. Shaina knows Luis. She knows he's that guy from high school. The only boy I actually liked before. I told her I wanted to see him but I'm hesitant. It has been 3 years since I last saw him and we never had a peaceful conversation before. We just screamed at each other all the time and I never understood why.
Maybe he changed? Is that why I wanted to see him?
I told her I didn't want to go with her friends nor with Luis because I know myself. I'm a wreck and I'm quite prone to embarrassment wherever I go. I didn't want to look like a clown in front of them much more with him. But what can I say? I have nothing to do and it might actually turn out alright.
You'll only regret the chances you didn't take. My mind echoed. Before I knew, I was sitting inside the shop and I certainly do not regret coming with her. Her friends were really funny and I couldn't stop myself from laughing. We played with riddles and childhood games and made fun of each other.
I missed her old friends though, the one she introduced me last year. They were great too. I'm glad her friends are great and seeing her happy makes me happy. Cheesy.
2:23.
"I wanna be a bumblebee..." They sang as we played the game. I'm nauseous. I was shaking. My stomach have been replaced by a number of knots.
I was holding Shaina's hand when I said, "I'm scared, Sha. I want to leave. I don't want to see him. I'm afraid I might pass out."
Her friends were looking at me like I'm crazy. They were confused.
"What's the fuss about? Go. Meet the boy!" Her friends told me.
I'm a wreck!
"Who even is this guy?" They asked.
"Oh! You've had a class with him." Shaina said to her friends. "I think you guys know him. Agatha, it's the class where we had together last semester. The tall guy. Remember?"
"Oh, the cute one?" Agatha said.
"Yeah, yeah." Shaina said. I nod in approval.
I opened my phone and checked our message.
Me: Luis
Him: Ya
Me: Where are you?
Him: Class. I'm out at 2:30.
Me: jsjsjsjsjs
Him: Shit. Are you in Intra?
Me: Yeah.
Him: Where are you?
Me: At D'Cream.
Him: Where's that?
"Where's this place?" I asked in panic. My heart is beating so loud I don't even care how much of a mess I am right now. These people are not even my friends yet. Talk about the typical, embarrassing me.
"Gate 2." Shaina said. Then I saw him walk out of the front gate. FUCK.
Me: YOU FUCK IT'S BESIDE 7 ELEVEN I-
Him: FUCK YOU
I gasped. I suddenly felt bad and remembered how we used to cuss each other all the time in high school when we're both really pissed. I did not meant to start a war. Not anymore. Was he mad?
Me: i'm sorry jsjsjsjsj it's infront of gate 2
Him: I'm at Gate 2.
I looked at Shaina's friends and suddenly felt embarrassed. They all started to gather their things and panic flooded into me. 2:30 is the start of their class. I couldn't stop them from leaving.
A guy in a black shirt came and immediately left the shop.
"It's him!" They all said in unison.
I'm no longer a human. I'm a paper. My knees were wobbly walking out the door. I checked the message.
Him: Wait
"W-where is he?" I stuttered.
"Oh." They said. "What?" I asked. What's happening? I turned my head to see what they were looking at.
"He's smoking."
I turned silent. He never smoked before. He really did changed.
Me: I should go.
I'm really nervous. I just can't face him. My heart is popping out of my chest.
Him: What
Him: Wait. Hey!
I was about to go when Shaina dragged me to him. He doesn't want to go out in front of that van. I didn't saw him smoke. I guess it took me off guard. He walked to us when he saw us walking. Shaina left.
And I'm left speechless. And alone with him.
I didn't want to look like I just had the most awkward panic attack ever. I tried to act like everything's cool. Everything's cool. Chill.
"It's hot." He said. I moved forward to him and now we're caught in between two vans. "It's hotter in here." I said and walked back away from him and the van. An excuse. I just didn't want to be that near to him. I might fucking faint.
"Told you so. C'mon." He said and walked away from the van. I followed him.
We walked over the pole in front of Gate 2 and stood there. "It's really hot in here." He said.
"Yeah but it's cool. I'm not from here so it doesn't really bother me." I said.
We stood there. A few seconds of silence lingered through the air.
"I-I should go." I said.
"What?" He asked, confused.
"I think I should go back." I lied.
"What are you going to do there then?" He asked.
"I don't know. I think she's about to finish soon." I said.
He nodded.
"Okay. I'll just go play Counter Strike then." He said.
"What? You still play that?"
"There's a new version. Also, Dota 2."
I kept silent.
"Who's with you?" He asked.
"Mamalove." I said. He laughed like I just said the funniest thing ever.
I laughed too. I know what he's thinking.
"Hey." I said.
"Yeah?" He asked.
"You're really 5'11?" I asked. Tall. He's grown taller since the last time I saw him. I kept staring at his eyes. Still the same. Just a little sadder. He looked down at me because I'm too short.
"Have you eaten yet?" he asked.
"Uh... I did." I said, truthfully.
"Bummer." He said, almost like a whisper.
"Why? W-will you treat me?" I teased as a joke. There's no way he'll treat me. But there's no way I'll treat him either. I barely have any money left.
He smiled.
HE. SMILED.
THAT'S A YES.
"So, where do you wanna go then?" He asked.
"I don't know. I don't have any idea of this place." I said.
"Let's go to Parian." He said and I followed him inside the stone-walled garden that was built in the Philippines during the Spanish Colonial Era. We passed through the gate until the small stone-bridge.
The place was astonishing. It was peaceful, breezy, and light. It was as if my heart lifted off my chest. Like I'm flying. He continued to walk as I trailed off behind him.
"This place is really nice, you know. A good place to take pictures." I said. "You know, I wanted to take a picture here in Intramuros but I'm too shy and a lot of people are staring at me."
"Well, that's the problem with you. You care too much what other people thinks. Who cares about that? Ignore them." He replied. It caught me off guard, though. We kept walking.
There was a part where I needed help climbing up so he took my hand and helped me.
He took my hand. Helped me get up. Memories of the past suddenly came rushing back, hitting me like waves. I remember the first time he held my hand, we were both in first year high school and I slipped from chasing him. He took away my ID and I had to chase him all around the school ground just to get my ID back. Being the clumsy girl that I am, I fell. When he saw me flat-faced on the damp school ground, he helped me get back up probably feeling a little guilty because I shouldn't have hurt myself if not because of him and his annoying little games. He reached out for his hand and helped get up.
This time, things are a whole lot different. There was no chasing and running away with my ID. This time, we're going somewhere with only just the two of us. Just to talk about anything and everything. Is this really the same boy I used to fight with in high school?
God, I never knew I missed him this much.
We reached a stone wall and below it was a cemented platform under a huge old tree in which he sat and I did too. The moment I sat was the moment the wind hit my face drowning away the heat. The air was cool and the place looked peaceful. It was just the type of place you would want to go just to clear your mind and take a break from everything. From where we sat, all you can see are trees and stone walls and roots and grass and the sky-blue clouds. We're on top of that place.
I sat there beside him in silent. The view was so beautiful. It was surreal. Sitting there beside him. Taking in this view. Who would have known this will happen?
We talked for a while. I noticed he asked about my ex-boyfriend a lot so it kind of ruined the mood. I didn't want to talk about him. I wanted to talk to Luis in particular. How is he doing, who is he crushing on right now, how's school, what movie did he watched recently, places he wanted to go... etc.
"I haven't slept yet." He said.
I looked at him. I have to admit. Those were my favorite moments. Having to have a glimpse of his face and stare at him in the eye. If I'm lucky, he might just smile and that smile lights up every piece of cell in my body.
"Why?" I asked. His eyes seem red though.
"Thesis. Case Study. I want to drop out of school." He said bluntly.
I chuckled.
"Me too."
Silence. And then he brought him up again. I never understood why he smiled every time he asked me about my previous relationship. He never really said anything. He just asked and asked about him. And smiled after I answered all of his questions. And silence. There weren't even any side comments.
"You didn't invite me on your 18th birthday party." He said.
My mouth struck open. Hell, no. I was supposed to! In fact, I really really wanted to but my ex-boyfriend would probably be mad at me and I'm too shy to ask Luis if he would go to my party. My pity party, rather. I legit wanted him to be one of the 18 roses. He was my first love after all. I remembered planning it with Shaina while we were on the pool last summer. I asked her what if I invited Luis because I definitely want him to be there and she was ecstatic! She really wanted me to invite him and I was supposed to but things started going down hill and I don't want him to see me crying in my own birthday party. Also, I didn't think he would come.
But he will. If my mind wasn't a mess and my life wasn't so fucked up. I still didn't know what to say. He wouldn't believe me even if I say the truth.
"I-I was too shy to ask." I said.
"Why would you be? If there's someone between the two of us who has the right to be shy then that's me. Not you. You were the one inviting." He said.
My face flushed. I remember that pathetic party. I don't want to admit it but I must have been suffering through depression that time. My boyfriend wasn't there. My parents are mad at me. A lot of those I invited didn't come. I have a quiz the next day. There's a storm outside. The whole place was too big for only a couple number of people who bothered to show up.
If I did invite him, would he really come?
And if he did come then my feelings for him before wasn't all in vain.
He wanted to come...
And I wanted him to come...
I should have invited him...
He actually cared about me and until now, he still cares.
3:00 pm.
My phone rang.
It's over.
I tried to hide my disappointment. I wanted to stay longer. I still wanted to talk to him. I could even stay there all day. I could watch him talk all day. I could watch his eyes and facial expressions. His voice. I wanted to stay. I wanted to sit there beside him until the moon comes out. I don't ever want this moment to end. I don't know if this will be the last time I'll be with him again. It might be and the thought makes me want to wrap my arms around him. He feels so much like home.
We both stood up. I walked with my head down looking very intently on the grassy platform and tried to walk the steep slopes without breaking my bones. Unfortunately, I could barely walk so I asked him to guide me. He immediately grabbed my hand and held it very tightly as if he, too, was afraid of me falling.
"S-slow down. I might fall." I said.
"You won't." He said as he guided me down the slope.
At the bottom of it, there was a flat surface which isn't very dangerous compared to the steep slope of roots and grass above. I can definitely walk on it without any help.
But he was still holding my hand.
And I was still holding his hand.
I'm not going to fall.... anymore.
"Do you hand-wash clothes?" He suddenly asked. I was confused.
"Uh, no. I only hand-wash those that are mine." I said.
Nobody's still letting go.
"How about you?" I asked.
I'm a liar if I didn't admit that I liked his hand holding mine.
"Uh, same here. Mine only." He said.
Still holding me.
".....Maybe that's why your hand feels soft." He said.
My hands. Soft.
And he said that while holding.
My.
Hand.
I couldn't speak. My heart was racing, again. Did... he really need to say that?
I started reminiscing again. When we were in high school, he used to hold my hand in the middle of the class. He sometimes even took a picture of it using my friend's digital camera and I will ask him to delete it because I was embarrassed. I've never had a crush on anyone before. Let alone hold a boy's hand. I wonder if he still remembers it but I highly doubt it.
There's another slope insight. He got down first, still holding my hand then I jumped. He must've been shocked by what I did. I wanted to shake off the feeling. I didn't like that he's making my heart jump. I needed to distract it.
The impact of the jump caused our hands to let go. That's better, I thought. At least he's not making my heart go crazy. I mean, it's never too late to faint, isn't it?
"You've upgraded." He kidded. I laughed. He's teasing me again. Gosh, I missed him. I missed everything about him. I kept throwing my scarf on him while we both laughed. I must admit, that jump looked absolutely crazy. I just embarrassed myself in front of him.
We walked out the gate while laughing. I didn't want to go out yet. I still want to stay. But I had to leave.
I turned to take quite a few pictures of the place. Just so I can see them whenever I wanted to remember this moment. With him. This day.
When we're finally out, I said to him, "Guess I gotta go."
"Do you want me to walk you there?" he asked.
Yes, Luis. Very much.
He walked me down the block to Mapua. I kept looking back at him and he must've noticed because I saw him looking at me confused. I was only checking to see if he's still there or he had already left me and ran back. I never know when he'll start shouting and laughing, pointing at me saying this is all one big prank.
Seriously, I'm going out of my mind. This doesn't feel real. HE doesn't feel real. It's absurd. How did we went from hating each other to making time for each other just to hang-out?
Also, he's grown much quiet now. He really did changed and I couldn't bring myself to believe this.
He suddenly went to the left beside me.
"We're here." I turned to him.
When we're finally at Mapua, he nodded and said, "Okay. Take care!"
And I said, "Take care too."
Take care, Luis. I mean it.
And then we parted ways. So long, Luis. I hope you find someone who loves you. You deserve all the happiness in the world and I hope you're not stressing yourself too much. Take care of yourself.
PS: i loved you.