Let Me Tell You A Story About Us

It was a regular day during my freshmen year, all of the students queued up for the flag ceremony. I went straight to our queue and I saw an unfamiliar face, and I figured out that you were the new student that they were talking about. You queued up on the first section (so it simply means that you belong there. Lol); I’m from the other section. We were side by side, facing the flag pole. I inspected your physical features; you were tall, you have squinty eyes, you were not too dark, and you were bathing with your own sweat (seriously). It was incredibly hot that morning. You were also wearing a blue printed shirt, jeans and unbelievably huge sneakers. And I told myself that you are not my kind of guy. After the Morning Prayer and the flag ceremony, we went upstairs and entered our classroom. Someone suddenly grabbed by left shoulder and shouted right in front of my face, she’s my classmate and my friend, her name is Vine. Vine fell head over heels to you and at the back of my mind I wish I could slap her face, so I can wake her up. She was trying to describe your face (which I already know) and she said that your name was Nate. I frowned at her and told her that she was being pathetic. My best friend Krace agreed to me and we laughed at Vine.

Weeks passed and you were still popular, you were popular even from the girls in the higher year. I didn’t give a damn about it but I was always pestered by the people around. They always tell me about you, like how handsome you are, how intelligent how intelligent you are, and I’m so tired of hearing those all over again. I decided to hate you for no reason. For me, you were just a nameless newbie that I don’t want to talk about.

One day, while Krace and I were walking, you approached us and grabbed our sling bags and said “Wow! You really are best friends! You got the same style.” I was annoyed by what you did, so I moved forcibly for you to let go of my bag and I said “Don’t touch me. Ever.” You were speechless and I walked away. I know I was being mean but I didn’t care at all. My best friend was very fond of you and you teased each other almost every single day, then Krace told me that she had a crush on you like everyone else. I was dumbfounded; I thought she wasn’t going to fall for someone like you. But she’s my best friend and I have to support her no matter what happen.

Krace, you, and I usually went home together, and I still don’t want to talk to you for some reason. It’s not that I like you, I’m just not excited about your existence. Besides, I have someone that I liked. He was a sophomore and I liked him since I was in 6th grade.

During our 2nd year, I was surprised that we we’re in the same class I rolled my eyes to suppress my frustration. On the other hand, I’m still glad that I am in the same class with Krace. Our adviser went in and said that she will arrange our seats alphabetically; it didn’t really matter to me. She started calling names then she stopped by my surname and it so happened that your surname starts with letter N and mine starts with letter M. I was alarmed and I can feel the cold sweat rolling down my back and the teacher called your surname and yes, we became seatmates. I heaved a deep breath and crossed my arms. I was thinking that fate was being cruel to me, of all people, why you? I faced you and you grinned as if you were enjoying everything. I ignored your devilish grin and focused my attention to our teacher. Days passed and we were always quarrelling about stupid matters, like I always scold you for smelling bad after playing basketball with the boys and you also scold me for having a bad breath (I’m literally laughing right now. I remembered how we shared Van’s mouth spray. That was gross. ). But there’s one thing that I can never forget about you, that was when we first got comfortable to each other and we were backbiting our female classmate, we laughed so hard until you laughed like a pig and I bursted into laughter. Our teacher quickly called our attention and we acted as if nothing happened. That was one of the priceless moments I had with you. After that, we became open to each other, you told me that you had a crush on Charlene and I also told you about my long-time-crush then you said he was ugly, but I didn’t mind. I never thought that we could actually be close friends. I was happy that we always ride home together and talk about almost everything. For Krace, she had a new crush, the new guy named Jupiter in the other class.

In the middle of the school year, our adviser decided to change the seating arrangement and I had Krace as my new seatmate then you were seated beside a guy. Time passes by and we were not able to talk like we used to. That’s when I realized that I was slowly falling in love with you, whenever you’re busy, I stare at you, then you will turn your head to my direction then I’ll look away, and look at you again. There was that time when I was so down and I forgot the reason why, you cheered me up by dancing the papaya dance using a rolled “cartolina” as your prop. You made me smile and I am thankful for that. Thank you for always cheering me up. Everything in here is a memory, reminder, confession, regrets, thank yous, and apologies.

During the summer of 2008, we were not able to see each other and I stopped liking you. When we were on 3rd year, we weren’t on the same class anymore, Krace and my other friends were in your class. That was a drastic moment because I never wanted to separate from Krace. Being from another class didn’t stop us from talking and from going home together; we always talk about anime and tease each other. I truly considered you as my friend, I saw how caring you were to me and I called you “kuya” (big brother) eventually. Months passed and I became fond with Ken, he wasn’t really my crush but almost *giggles*. I noticed that you were acting weird; you always play volleyball though you don’t usually play that. You always wait for me even if I’m going home late due to volleyball practices. I’m not trying to assume, okay? I was curious about that, or maybe you were waiting for someone else (lol). Remember when I almost failed my Filipino subject and I bursted into tears? You were the one who comforted me, you accompanied me to the faculty room so I can talk with our Filipino teacher and she said that I almost failed because I didn’t pass my assignment notebook and the truth is, I lost it. After those weird moments, you finally asked for my number, I gave it to you without second thoughts. During that time, I was so obsessed on making fan fictions of my favorite Korean bands; I was so busy and didn’t have the chance to open my phone. I put in at the top of the cabinet and turned it off. Little did I know that you were texting me and days after that you definitely confronted me and cornered me at the corridor and asked me why you’re not getting any replies from me, I looked away because our faces were too close and I said that I was so busy creating a fan fiction and I have no time to open my phone. You became upset and said “So, your fan fiction is more important than me?” I was very tempted to answer “yes” *laughs*. You stood beside me and waited for my answer but I told you that I’m going to reply to your texts. That was a promise I made to you and we entered our respective rooms after that. There was Ken again, he always teased me and yet he also cared for me just like you do, I almost fell for him but I can’t because of some girl who was so in love with him. I stopped those feelings and I tried to forget it. The three of us became close friends and it felt kind of awkward because he told me that he thinks you liked me and I didn’t believe him. We continued exchanging messages almost every night then one night you said “I love you”. I never took it seriously because I’m pretty sure that you were just playing around and the next morning, you told me that it was nothing and that it was a joke. I knew it. Then the next week, you sent me that message again, and then the next day you said it was a prank. I laughed at you because your jokes were so stupid and impossible. The same happened the following week, you said that you loved me and I told you that I’m not going to fall for it. The next day I teased you about what you said and you laughed hard again. That day, we went home together, just the two of us, we were seated at the front seat and when I reached home you whispered something on my ear, you said that what you texted me that night was real and you told me that you truly love me, in person. I was quite flabbergasted; I forgot what I said that afternoon. But right from that moment, I was completely bothered. I felt happy and sad at the same time. I was happy because the prince charming of everyone confessed his feelings to a low profiled girl like me, and sad because I might lose a friend. But I was optimistic about it. The day after that, we acted normal, as if nothing happened, I was thinking if I should give you a chance, I liked you again but that wasn’t enough to answer you right away. I think thoroughly that day and I decided to give it a shot. I answered you that night (September 30, 2008) and I can sense that you were truly happy. I was also happy for us. I learned to love you each day, you always cared for me, you always make me feel special, and you always tell me that you love me. I was delighted. We choose to keep out relationship as a secret because it might hurt other people (except for Krace, I told her and she understood. She was also dating Jupiter that time. She said that she wasn’t surprised anymore because she saw how you cared for me a lot). We stayed like that for two months; we kept it a secret though other people noticed it already. The day came and we told them that we were together, I was worried about it because the girls who liked you got their hearts broken and other girls cried and hated me for that. I never meant to hurt their feelings, I was so pressured because my friends acts differently towards me and I asked you (via sms) if we should still continue our relationship, you told me to never give up and to put my act together. I was inspired by what you said and fell in love with you even more. I get worried each day, I was scared because the girls hated me and I’m too shy to open up to you about the matter, I carried that burden for weeks. I woke up one day and realized how much you loved me and I decided to stop thinking about the haters and move forward. We continued loving each other each day, talking during free times especially during lunchtime. I always go to school early in the afternoon just to talk to you (at the corridors). I wanted to treasure each moment, I want you to know that those times are my precious memories. Many things happened during our junior year, good and bad. But we managed to get through it all.

You have many admirable traits. I admired how you fell in love with me back then. From my ugly look and lazy student aura. I wondered why. I hope I get an answer. *smiles* I don’t know if you could still remember the moment when you fetched me at home without my consent and I was ultimately shocked by your presence, I wasn’t finished zipping my uniform yet and I dashed towards you. I was so nervous because dad was there and his face was full of confusion. *laughs* We walked to KMCC to buy ingredients for our baking activity and we saw our classmates there too. It was a fun experience for me, it was very brave of you to fetch me at home, I appreciate it and I appreciate every single thing that you’ve done for me. After buying the necessary things, we headed back to school. After the 2nd subject in the afternoon, both sections headed to the H.E. Laboratory as I walked at the corridor, Shanelle was beside you, she suddenly grabbed your hand, you saw me at the back and you did nothing about it. I was firing up because I was jealous, so I ran fast then you chased me. I was so mad and I wanted to high five you with a chair. Finally, you were able to grab my arm, I never looked back at you, so what you did was you carried me from the gym to the place near the canteen. Man! I went mad to happy real quick *giggles*. I cannot contain my “kilig” so I decided to forgive you and smile. (childish, right?) Remembered those stolen kisses in the cheek? I think the first kiss in the cheek happened when you rode together at home. The following kisses were absolutely out of nowhere (lol) you’ll pretend that you have something to say through whispering then you’ll suddenly kiss me (didn’t see that coming). We have many “kilig” moments (I just can’t put it into words, like when we were in the H.E Laboratory then you said that you will be portraying the role of Crisostomo Ibarra and Krace will portray the role of Maria Clara, and you will do a “hand-kiss scene with her then you immediately knelt down in front of me and kissed my hand. I almost lost it! Really. I hope you can still remember everything. How about the magical kiss that happened during our practice inside the gymnasium? You stole a kiss from my lips at the backstage and the place was stinking with urine from the comfort room. What have you done to my first kiss? *laughs* I was shocked and joyful at the same time. Wait, you gave me a candy before you kissed me, right? You made sure that my breath was fresh. Haha. How about the second kiss? That happened after we baked the cakes. I left some of my baking tools upstairs and I asked you if you could accompany me, and you did (even if your leg wasn’t okay that time). After picking all my baking tools, you surprisingly grabbed my face and kissed me (that was quite long kiss). Too much for that. I am definitely smiling right now, just reminiscing about the past makes me smile. Then again, thank you for always making me happy and for those brilliant memories we shared together. If there’s something I regret now, I regret not having a lot of photos with you in high school. If only I could turn back time, I will definitely take a photo of you every day. I was thinking about the manga which was entitle “Lament of the Lamb”, the vampire guy. You said I was your Yaegashi and you were my Kazuna. (corny but sweet) Every time I remember those corny moments I laugh at myself and wondered why it ever happened, but I’m thankful that it happened.

Staring at you is like being hypnotized. I was wondering what power you have to captivate me that hard. We continued being girlfriend and boyfriend until senior. We had arguments but we always resolve it quickly. You are a good person, I was the beast and I know that. I quickly get jealous, I get mad at you for being with other girls and I apologize for that. The fateful day happened, your parents knew about our relationship and everything felt awkward and complicated. I can’t talk to you comfortably, I can’t look straight in your eyes, maybe because I can feel that our relationship is about to end.

July 10, 2009, I wanted I was about to give you a stuffed toy, I was with Shanelle and I saw you in front of the Cashier’s office with your friend, you called me and I was happy that I could finally give the stuffed toy to you. You said that you have something to tell me with a serious tone and right from the moment I know that you were going to break up with me. “What is it about? Are you going to break up with me now?” I sounded like I was joking but the truth is, I wanted to hide my cracking voice. You said your apologies and I broke down in tears and throw the stuffed toy away. I never dared to look at you, I never thought that I could hate the one I love, I despised you. I ran away because I can’t contain the sadness anymore. I hid myself in the canteen, some of our classmates saw me and asked me what happened, I told them and some of them even cried, they thought we were going to make it work until the end, they thought it was a fairytale. But I’m not Cinderella, our happy ending was a lie. I went home heavy hearted, I haven’t eaten my dinner, I went straight to bed a curled up like a fragile ball. My eyes got very tired from crying, and after that, I saw nothing but darkness. But that wasn’t the end of it, I dreamed about you, about us, about how you broke up with me that day and even in my sleep, I was crying. I woke up because it gets harder and harder to breathe. You have no idea about how many years I cried myself to sleep. Yes, years. That was my first heartbreak and I didn’t know what to do, I tried killing myself but I can’t. So, I end up wounding my wrist. That wasn’t all, I even tried overdosing myself, I did it but nothing happened. I went to school after that and I only got dizzy and I was so pale. They were worried about me, even the people who hated me before pitied me and comforted me. They asked me what happened and I smiled at them and told them I’m okay. It pains me. It pains me every time I see you, it pains me every time I see you smiling. I envy you because you can smile, and I can’t. I never fully understood why you left me, you never explained it well. I would understand if you told me everything, but you didn’t. I always think about dying each day, wishing that you would regret what you’ve done. You never talked to me after that, I never tried talking to you too. But the truth is, I wanted to talk to you, I wanted to run towards you and embrace you and tell you that it’s okay even if it’s not. There are many things that I wanted to tell you after we broke up but I was a coward. I was so scared to tell you about how I feel after we broke up. It was painful as hell. I missed you every day. There are times when I think about those moments that you bully me. I’d rather let you bully me like you used to that not talk to me at all. I’m sorry, I wasn’t able to tell you how I truly feel. There was even a time when we had an open forum in the class then you stood up and apologized to me, then you said something about Cris (which I forgot) then after speaking, you went outside, I actually chased you, but the C.R. was locked. Did you cry or did you just expelled your feces? (sorry. Haha)

Every time you walk, I always wanted to walk with you, and to go home with you again like we used to. I wanted to ask you were okay, and if you really are happy. I hated the feeling of not being with you. When they said that you and Jane were together, at the back of my mind I commented unbelievingly and maybe that was your revenge because I was sticking around with Charles. I thought I was strong enough, I thought I wasn’t going to cry, but I did. I can’t almost talk to her but I tried and I managed to talk to her because she’s my friend and I treasure her.

I’m sorry that I stick around with other guys, I was only trying to get you jealous. I was really immature and I mean it. I regret what I did and wished I never have done it. I’m deeply sorry for hurting you that way. I should’ve understood your situation. If only I could turn back time. If I can, I will definitely understand your situation and love you secretly instead. I know, it would have been different if I understood.

After we broke up, it felt like I was in hell, Aivana threatened me almost every day, he sends me unpleasant text messages because he liked you and he thought that I was getting on the way. Especially that time when we had our Christmas party, we were on the same class so we celebrated it together, they forced us to participate in the funny bone game. (we won when we were on 3rd year) Aivana was very angry and he told me that I shouldn’t join or else something bad will happen. But, I was left with no choice. Everybody was cheering us up and they were grabbing me towards you. So, I joined (and braced myself with Aivana’s wrath). To make the long story short, we won because of the final challenge (lips together), I was pretty confident that wouldn’t do it and I accepted our defeat. I never thought that you would actually kiss me in front of everyone. My whole world stopped and everybody disappeared in my imagination, it was just you and me. It was shocking, that was indeed a drastic situation, a situation I have never imagined, it wasn’t even on my wildest imagination. But it happened, and everyone was really shouting like crazy, I looked at you and I can’t explain what your facial expression was like. I didn’t utter a word. I was only staring at you without a word and came back to my seat. You also gave me a gift, right? Thank you for the gifts you gave when we were on 3rd year and during our senior year. Well, about Aivana, I picked myself up and remained strong. I can’t be weak, I stopped being weak because no one will be there for me and I know that I can take care of myself. Aivana in due course patched up things with me and we became friends again though he still hated me.

I really missed your voice for ages! I was always delighted to hear your voice (even from afar). Your voice (is the soundtrack of my summer. Lol) is the voice I would prefer listening to in the middle of the night. Just you know, I have many regrets. I regret not choosing you while it was still early. I wish I’d chosen you but even if I choose you now, it’ll be quite difficult and complicated. But please know that I always wanted to choose you. Even until now, I still have dreams about you, the latest dream I had about you was at November 20, 2016. In my dream, we were on the same class, I browsed your bag and opened your phone (the Sony Erickson phone you had when we were in HS) I opened the gallery and saw photos of me, some are stolen photos you, you always made sure that I was beautiful in each shot. You caught me browsing your phone and smiled at me, and that’s the only thing I remember about that dream.

I never got a chance to give the stuffed toy to you before, but I’m sure that you received it by now *smiles*. I thought it was lost after I threw it away but when I came back in front of the Cashier’s office, it was still there, so I kept it again. Maybe, it was really meant for you. Every time I see you, my heart skips a beat, and I don’t even know why I still think of you until now. When we were in college, I saw your profile photo with a (pretty) girl and I was thinking that maybe she’s someone from your class and she’s the one who was making you happy that time, I couldn’t help the jealousy that was slowly creeping into me and that day, I unfollowed you in Facebook (because unfriending you would be too obvious. Haha). I wasn’t angry, I was sad. But, it doesn’t matter now, right?

All I want now is for you to know about my feelings. I don’t want to regret someday for not telling you. It’s fine if you’ll throw this book away. What’s important is I told you everything. Maybe you don’t need to know about it, but I only want you to know that I never regret being with you and having you in my life. You taught me many things, and the truth is, you made me happy. Even if we’re not together, you never failed to comfort me when I needed someone to talk to. You’re always there for me and you proved your words back then. “I’m always here.”, that’s what you always say and I am very much grateful that you’re still keeping that promise until now. Each time I reminisce, I can’t help but smile. I recall when I was sick and you visited me at the clinic and shouted “I love you” at the corridor and I was laughing with embarrassment. I don’t know if it is right to recall these things. *laughs* I hope you understand.

I love how I can be myself when I’m with you or whenever I talk to you. It’s like, I can wear my heart whenever you’re around. Legend is true, (in my case) first love never dies. It will always be a special kind of love and you will always be a special person for me. I may get married with another man, you may get married with another woman, but please know that a part of me will continue cherishing you. If you’re asking now if I still love you the answer is yes. But it's a different kind of love. You know what i mean, right?

If we can’t be together in this world, if we are really fated to be apart, then I hope that the parallel universe is real, so there is a chance of a happy ending for us. Maybe in another world. Maybe.

My life story isn’t over yet. Yours isn’t over too. But I will look forward for the next chapter.

As what they've said, “It may take a year or even decades, but what’s meant to be will always find its way.”