Pulling Down These Walls Was Never Easy

Please know that it took me bones, flesh, blood and a lot of nerve cells to pull down these walls I built for years against swindling, tricks and fraud because I thought it was worth it.

But I admit that I had thought of it a million times if this mess is worth my insanity. I know, I know, that it can never be but hey you came out like a rainbow even if there was never really a storm. You painted the heavens, your colors attracted me and I had a hard time breaking my rules and my walls to see those vivid colors. You were like a sun that made the western welkin blush. And I noticed that you were shining on me. I saw your big smile wide as an ocean. The rays made my veins glow inside my body.

I never really wanted anybody. I was just a body at rest; an independent clause that can stand alone. I was so content of myself I thought nobody can please me. My strong walls are enough to have me comforted.

But somebody saw me over those high walls surrounding me. It was you. I never really thought that someone can see me this way. I am invisible even without a cloak but you were the only one who made me feel I am not. We enjoyed each other's company. We talked about those days when we were younger. You were the one who remembered that we were in a group then and I admire the thought of you remembering the sound I make when I laugh while giggling with my seatmates at the back of your row. I love the riddles and the puns you let me answer. We discovered we both love to read! You like classic and I like modern books. I told you that I think it's late for me to love classic but you said it's not, like us, we were never too late (with kaboom and an angry bird bomb emoji). Oh, you had me at classic. We let each other read our favorites. And you know what? In every book I was reading, I used to think that Mr. Darcy is you, Mr. Gatsby is you, Mr. Rochester is you, Romeo is you. I saw you in them. It made me love you even more because you acted as if you are them. We used to exchange romantic lines from the books we read. You sent me messages that Romeo said to Juliet every day. You made me feel so special. It was wonderful. I know we were happy. We almost didn't notice it's already 4am until somebody sends screenshot of a meme. Then, you told me some secrets. You are secretive. I'm glad you told me some. But by telling those things, I realized that you are just using me for revenge, to forget your past but you are still very upset of why you two broke up. I am not made of anesthesia; I was born with great sensitivity. I can easily smell a burning fire of truth. I'm sick of you talking about her even if I was the only one who's bringing the topic up. But you assured me that you never want that to happen again, and that I should not worry and I said I never want to make a mistake in my life. I'm not a perfectionist; I just want to do things right for myself. All I did for the last 21 years of my life was to do things right, not perfect. And when you found out that she was over you, you stopped communicating with me. I was insane for a day wondering how you're doing. Your name says active now but you don't send me a message like you used to before. I felt like I was Amy on the Adventures of Tom Sawyer, used by Tom just to get Becky jealous of them. I call it a betrayal to my honest feelings. I asked you and my accusations are true. It hurts more than a stab to know that I've been used as a rebound even if you didn't even love her but you grieve over unimportant things too much and too late. I never thought that you, the first human being I've ever loved would cause me too much pain. But I thank you for being honest with me. At least, I can just tell myself to move on and forget all about it. I had to let you go. It is a very easy thing for me. I've disciplined myself enough not to please other people's attention. I told you, I was made with a strong foundation, rocks, precious stones and a lot of diamonds. But I admit it really hurts that shit out of me. Now I have to wait until this wound in my heart heals and you will never ever know the damage it caused me.

Good thing, my bones were never broken, every morsel of my flesh was never ripped off, my blood did not stop circulating and I still have myriads of these nerve cells in my system. But never will I build another walls because my bones and flesh are bonded by super mega ultra-mighty bonds and my blood is an overflowing river, my nervous system is still doing its job so well, I found out. I can still live well, only with a hole in the heart.