To present- cheers!

"Keeping passion at bay or surrendering blindly to it, which one of these attitudes is the least destructive? I don't know."

A chill ran down my spine when i read this sentence. It reminded of my past, my staggering, wobbly past. I remembered that i had chosen former and thus formed the complications which marred the outcome of every relation i formed. I remember how i had hidden my abuse and torture from everyone and how i had let people to form opinions against me. Ranging from an odd one out, stretching over to being totally critical and unfriendly. How people form grudges over and consider their self-misery as the worse form of misery, really troubles me. It makes me realise the capabilities and endurance. Mine and theirs, both. Mine lies in remaining silent and listening to all kinds of statements and opinions. Their lies in being evaluative and spiralling down to the vicious circle of self-formed hypothesis which their worlds fit at. None benefits, though. 

Same had happened, i was judged and to add to my misery, someone whom i had loved for six long years showed me the red card straight towards the banishment from the relationship. How? By inflicting physical pain. Again, how? By poking needle into my hand out of utter rage, jealousy and anger. 

Readers, it is really hard, as a loner to trust anyone into my inner space and it's much more harder to see the betrayal of one's assumed behaviour towards the most unassuming one. The sudden change of someone's nature threw me off the ground and where i had begun to float at, i have no idea. Writing forces me to think and i had started writing in bits and pieces, mindful of hiding it once i finished. As most of us do. We write and hide.

 I was just 16 around then and life has been through a massive whirlpool for me. Always of a studious kind, at the right time, couldn't focus and fell ill. Maturity doesn't come guaranteed. You got to practice it. The time you miss your footing on the edge, you're sure to fall off. I didn't succeed at what i was trying to do with my career.

 At the same time i had witnessed another bout of craziness thrown at me. That belonged to the one i had been inspired with. My trust was broke and i have no idea regarding what sensation, correction, what winning sensation was produced in him after inflicting an abuse. Molestation, to say it exactly. That turned me around. Whole of me. So much at so little a time. I had started feeling drowsy into my blankness, i had no one to reach out to. My parents were consumed with grief but nothing ever moved me. A year elapsed and still no solace. I tried everything only to regret it later. Each and everything reminded of my past. It's well said that we're unhappy because either we're living in the past or gawking over at the future. We think others are better than us, which is the root cause of unhappiness we experience. All quotations and suggestions seem bland and gross once you're consumed with grief. It feels that others can try to relate to your situation and even help you but nothing seems real.

 I realised that i could go no further if i keep making resolutions and again suffer from a relapse. I had tried many times but this time with whole of my conviction, i tried again. I built up my own private world of thinking and made a list of things i would mostly try to do. It consisted from getting up early to making my life normal again. This never arose from what others used to say, this arose from within. I listed everything which made me really happy. Smile of a child, wishes from a complete stranger, smell of the rain falling over mud, standing in the morning sunshine, the mild breeze which gently caresses the nape of the neck and playfully ruins the hair. My mother and home-cooked food, little children running and playing, my father and me ganging up and teasing my mother, my mother scolding me over my carelessness, smell of the tiny rose plant which i had planted and most of all, my dreams. The life i had always thought of living. The career i had decided to jump in.

 Yeah, mind me readers, that was the foremost thing i thought of doing. Life isn't a bucket full of happiness. It's consists deeply of betrayal, hatred and situations which belittle you. But again, mind you, if you don't see the greater part. The part where you realise your worth and that's what we stumble upon. The day you love yourself and pick out the tiny traces of happiness, that is when you pass. That is when you succeed. Thus, concludes my writing. I am calm and trying to see my worth. I know what i want and i am going for it. I am still in the growing years and looking forward to a life which is going to be filled, with me being the heroine who controls her life. Not anyone else. That's my goal and i am going to pursue it. Little pleasures and defeats in life will still be there but this time with the foundation which has been set up, i'll be able to move forward. I feel ready. What about you? Do you? :)