12 am thoughts

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry if I can't give you an answer. I don't want to loose you right after you made me feel i'm special.

I can't say yes for I am not ready yet to afford my heart aching. I wouldn't be able to bear seeing you aching so i all i can do is nothing.

I'm sorry if I cannot say no. I am afraid. I'm terrified that you'll leave me sooner than I expected. Because before we even know it, time will come and you'll get tired on waiting for me. Time will come and you'll eventually stop from what you are doing. Time will come and everything will fleet right under my nose. I'm afraid that time will come and all I have is to lose you. And I... I don't want to loose you.

I'm sorry if i'm giving you a situation that may lead you to confusion. I want you to know that I can't even understand these feelings i've got. Sometimes, it pisses me off that I should've said no when you asked me because Ibmight give you false hopes but i dont want you to get hurt. Not knowing that what I did only make it worse. Sometimes, i know and it's clear to myself that i love you. I. Love. You. I want you to consume me. But I cant help it. I couldn't be reckless because I might suffer from it in no time. But I... I want you really bad. I am also confused. And i... I hated you for that.  Why did you made me feel like you'll never leave my side when we all know you dont have a place here? Why did you plan your flowery future including me when we were not certain for what will happen? Why did you use those sugar coated words if you didnt mean it? Why? Why do you have to invade my mind? Stop. Please. I don't wan you. I dont need you. I dont know what to do.

I know it has been a mess. This tells a lot about me. Because i am nothing but a mess. So why'd you fall in love with such mess?