My Black Hole-Shaped Soul

Episode 2/2/19 - The first of the worsts.

Depression is a bitch when you sleep quite contented. Not really happy but good as okay, then woke up lost, feeling empty. Nothing else mattered but that black hole in your soul, trying to suck out the life of you. The pain it causes you that makes you fall into the abyss of hopelessness.

You forget about your dreams, the ones you've been busy planning for the past few months. And you start to think of dark things. Things that would bring you a great relief when you would just take it. Oh how light you would feel when you would just do it. It makes the pain stop, your mind blank. You would finally have oblivion and the oblivion becomes you.

Yet you continued to cry instead of doing the very thing that would make it all stop. You kept crying as if the pain would recede as every tear drops. You cry as if to upturn yourself and shed all the ugly things that is trying to drown you. You're in the dark, alone, hidden by the shadows of your own demons. Yet you still refuse to do it and cry some more.

You wonder when it would stop, if it will ever stop. You try to tell someone how wrong you felt but they dismiss you, thinking it must be one of your other exaggerated episodes. But you know this one's worse. One you've never experienced and suffered before. A black hole inside you, you never knew was there, trying to eat you whole. It's gravity pulling you deeper into the abyss and you never felt so alone. So misunderstood. So tired and sad and angry and lost and empty and ten times worse than before.

You felt the temptation getting stronger, as your resilience grow weaker. You thought about it, knew how it will help. How it will help it all end. It would be so easy, just a cut, a small one in the right part. But then you've never been this tired in all your life, you close your eyes and put it off for awhile. You sleep like it's been years since you've last done it.

And you wake up, and you notice how everything else shifts differently now. How the sun shines warmer, the sky made you calmer, the breeze touches your skin and it made you feel lighter when yesterday it was all gloom and storm. It has passed and you're okay again. But you don't know for how long. And it scares you, what if it will be worse? What if the next time you won't wake up to a beautiful day after a dreadful one?

They said, no one can help you but yourself. It's quite true. Most of the episodes you really don't understand what you want and what really hurts. But you know how much it does hurt. So you help yourself.

So I wrote them down.