I'm afraid of the past that haunts me of the evil deeds that I have done. A reformed soul isn't a way to escape hell. But I'm not afraid that I'd be punished. I deserve the punishment. Even the one I'm going through right now. The constant guilt of not doing enough for myself echoes back from the emptiness I have filled within myself.
I'm afraid of my head blasting into thousand pieces with all the thoughts that it thinks. There is no easy way to stop them. I practiced embracing them, but I swam so deep that I couldn't see the light anymore. Is there a way to get out? I don't think so. The thoughts are not immaculate. They tell me to do bad things to others and also to myself.
I'm afraid of looking in the mirror. Not that I'll be scared of the person I've become. But because I don't like the dead eyes staring right through my lifeless soul, dreading to get out of this vulnerable vessel. I don't deserve my life. I haven't done anything but throwing away a quarter of my lifetime. My reflection is a walking zombie ready to sunk its teeth in me.
I'm afraid that I won't be able to cry anymore. The tears might have frozen up there. They spent a lot of time during those endless, sleepless nights trickling down the cheeks. I didn't know why I was low all the time. Was it because I was overthinking, or was it because something was wrong with me? I consider myself, officially, a moron.
I'm afraid of not achieving what I want to do. I don't have any farfetched dreams; I knew I couldn't fulfill them even if there were any. See, this is my problem. But my dreams are very simple, and I have no idea how I'm going to make them true. Maybe that's the reason I can't sleep anymore. My dreams must be overloaded.
I'm afraid I might not fall in love again. I lost quite too many times and forgot what it felt like. Now, I look for happiness in the smallest of things, which is sad, to be honest. Because I don't have anything else to be happy about. I think it'd be a nice feeling to have someone in your life, but I don't have anyone. I should stop whining about it.
I'm afraid I might die with no one by my side. Growing up, life has taught me that only "I" am the constant in my life. The variables just come and go as they like. But I need them till the end. I don't wanna be alone. I need a hug. I need someone to talk to. I need to spill my heart out so that I can feel light again. I want someone by my side just for a change.
Yeah, I'm afraid of myself.