Grew up being told what to do, what to dream, who to follow, who to please.
I never really know what it meant to make a decision for myself. Always following their dreams, that is the “dream”. You take up nursing they say, or you won’t go to college. I like learning, I enjoy studying, I begged to go to college, this is what I get.
I grew up thinking I know what I want because that’s what they say I want. Be a nurse, go abroad, earn money.
Is that all there is? Money? Parents’ bragging right?
Been asking myself what I want, what’s my passion, what keeps you going, what would you be in the future? And I honestly don’t know.
I am 34, unemployed, and no purpose.
They called up again, “why are you not processing your papers? You should be here by now. Look at your sister, she’s coming over for a vacation. Just save up and enjoy your retirement money in the future”, they said.
If only saying no was so easy. If only my eyes don’t tear up easily and my voice doesn’t crackle whenever I tell what’s on my heart. If only I was not afraid to disappoint. Maybe I’d be a little happier, a little proud, a little free.
And the comparison, seriously?! Planting me a hateful eye towards my sister??? Shame on you people!
Ambitions? Dreams?? I used to have that when I was younger. But hearing you bringing it down, shutting me up, telling me that this one is a better one, that this someone is successful because she took this path... Seriously, what am I to you?
Am I selfish for even thinking for myself? All I know now is I don't want to live the dream life of others. You wanted to go places, then go! You wanted to go to the US, no one's stopping! Just stop directing my life!
Every night I wonder when this life will end. The agony, the torture, the suffering that I have been feeling that others have been putting me through. It'’s been so long that I haven’t seen any future for me. I can’t see anything. No tomorrows. All I know is I don’t want to do what they wanted me to do. All I know is I don’t want my existence.