to whom do i owe the biggest apology?

occasionally, i consider killing myself.

how lovely the conclusion would be
how the night will engulf me
and how my need would be met by the numbing

to gently slow to a silence for all the voices of the emotions that continuously send me reeling; as my brain begins to deteriorate

what a profound silence it would be, not even grasshoppers would bother to wake me.

the division of my cells would halt.
my mind would make me stop lying.
i'd quit hiding what I really want.

but also, this is just a reckless fantasy; a way to elude one’s own reality because as I sit here on the floor, blood dropping and tears flowing.

crickets are chirping as i place the pills, down.