190217 : Dreams are not just dreams

I just found myself walking along the hallway right after class with a black mini backpack and nothing in hand and because I can't think of anything to wear for the day, I threw myself on a pair of skinny ragged jeans and an oversized off-white ugly sweaters. There weren't that many of students when I passed by along the shortcut from the math and science building and through the arts and sciences building. Before I could divert my eyes to reach out for my phone from by bag, I caught somone familiar on my peripheral view. I was just about to walk pass by when I thought twice.

I turned back and gently slapped his arm saying, "Hey...," with a bored look.

He looked around and gave me that cocky face and was just about to laugh. "I thought you won't mind me."

"What? How dare you tell me that I snobbed  and won't even talk to you." I shooked my head from left to right like I couldn't believed him.

"Who told you that?"

Stupid mouth. Why can't I just keep that to myself. "Just no one. Anyway, nice bumping into you, mister. I got to go." I turned around without saying goodbye because he's so annoying.

"Hey, let's talk some other time now that you've finally thought about approaching me." I know he's kind of laughing while saying it right away, and without looking I raised my hand and gave him a shake of goodbye, "Yeah, right."

How dare that guy got guts to say that when I'm pissed of him. It's been six years since we've parted school and now that we've got to university for college, it seems like when he saw me a couple of times, he doesn't recognize me. The hell with him.

And the weeks passed by and decided to hang out with a couple of people I grew up with back in elementary. It has been years since we've planned this reunion but it seems like it's all been drawing. And now that we've finally made it come true, unexpected turn of events finally happened.

I just don't know how I managed to accept what I said, but he finally asked me out to be his girlfriend. Funny how I used to hate him back then, but there's still a little bit of admiration. Everything happened so fast that right after I gave this news to everyone we knew, my bestfriend also got her surprise.

We asked her to go back to the dorm and loe and behold, the guy that he's been seeing a lot in the past years, finally made his mind to settle down with her. He confessed about how he was just scared to commit but what chances of her saying "yes" would make if he won't take the courage to man up.

Everything seems nice and good for the next couple of months when I just felt like there's something off and I couldn't give him what he deserved. I couldn't give him back the love he gave. It maybe because I have grown him out for the past six years that I may have lost my feelings and I kind of just want to be myself. I asked him to meet me in a fine restaurant that one day.

I was patiently waiting for him while I was rehearsing what things I should be saying without backing out now.

He came in with a smile that I don't deserve. "Hey. What's this sudden date?" He asked.

I smiled. "Oh no, nothing. I just want to eat with you." I don't want to pretend but I just lost it. He finally asked me when he sensed that something is going on.

"Is there something wrong that I don't know about?"

I drew out a breathe and looked him sincerely in the eyes. "I don't know how to start this." I stuttered. He just looked at me and didn't say anything to encourage me to talk.

"I'm sorry. But maybe we have just rushed things out that I can't see myself being happy now. It's been a while since we've got connections, but this thing between us, I don't think I deserve this."

He puffed out a long breathe, closed his eyes for a while and said, "Am I making this relationship hard for you?"

"No, no. Don't say that. I'm grateful that you gave me love ever since the start but I just don't think I deserve that love because I think I can't return it back."

"I thought everything's fine. I can't really see the problem there. When you said "yes," I was so happy that I finally get to have my girl that I dreamed for. What's the problem now?" He said in a monotonous tone.

"I'm sorry, but I think I don't deserve this. You deserve someone much better than me. I don't think I can make this relationship work."

"Are you breaking up with me?" His eyes were teary but kept it to himself, but I know he's hurt. "You know, we can still work this out, right? If I've done something wrong that I didn't know of, I'm sorry. I'll make it up for you. Just please."

"You've done nothing wrong, only that you've gave me this relationship that I don't deserve. It's not you who's got the problem but me. I can't return back what you feel and that's so wrong." With a sad smile, I reached out for his hand.

"I'm sorry for realizing it just now, but I don't want to keep it long. I'm setting you out from this relationship. I'm telling you that I gave everything I can but it's not enough."

He responded, "There was nothing wrong with this relationship. Please take that back. I don't think I can live without seeing your smile every day. The smile that gives life to everything."

"I don't deserve you, you know that? You just give everything that I don't think I deserve. Everything's just not according to our way. I'm so sorry. But, I don't think I can keep up. I'm failing in every way. Please." I begged and squeezed his hand.

A tear fell from his eyes and I avoided it. Why does this have to happen. If I could've just said no, and waited for the right time, then this would never happen.

He wiped it off, laughed a little bit and said, "This must be my karma. Wow, it hit me real good."

I was just looking at him.

"So," he stuttered, "So, it's a goodbye now?"

Because I don't want to lose the friendship that we've built for the longest time, I said, "Hell no, it's not a goodbye. We still have a lot of plans with our friends and I don't want to be awkward around you, and hell that I won't waste our friendship with this break up."

He laughed heartily. "Oh, you really know how to take this hurt away, huh? Ofcourse, I won't be staying away from you. You just gave me the best times of my life and I treasure it the most. Thank you."

"Aw. I'm grateful for you, you know that? So, now that we're good, are we good now?

"Yeah, we're good." He smiled.

"Okay, okay. So, I'm kind of hungry, should we order now?

"Oh, you literally dumped me because you're hungry. Food really is evil." He laughed at that.

Goodness. I thought I was gonna break out with a cry when realized everything's not real. I woke up realizing that I'm really over him already. Well, that's funny. Thanks to that dream, I'm finally good with decisions.

GIN LYN