The life of a ballerina has never been easy. You have to take not to eat too much because you can’t afford getting fat but on the other hand, you can’t starve yourself because people don’t like to see bones dangling on stage. You have to maintain your flexibility but you also need to take care so you don’t rip a muscle. You have to go through a lot of sweat, pain, blisters, broken toe nails and tears to succeed. But…it’s worth it.
I’ve been dancing since the age of two and my life would be incomplete without ballet. When I first started, I honestly did not love it. I was very tall as a kid and my teacher would put me at the back most of the time, which did not help my case. But, as we started to dance with pointe shoes, my teacher suddenly noticed me, and from the ugly duckling, I became the prima.
It wasn’t easy, it took a lot of time and dedication but it is worth every blister and every tear.
My grand-mother has always seen the hidden talent that was within me. She always believed in me, even when I wanted to give up. If I said that it wasn’t for her that I kept on going at the beginning, I’d be lying because making her proud was my number one priority.
When she left us, I was devastated because we had talked for months about my Nutcracker performance which she was not be able to attend. I still remember that fleeting moment when I danced on the stage that night. I could hear her voice, pushing me to dance and for the first time in my life my heart and soul were dancing to the beat of the music. I closed my eyes and danced as if it was the last day of my life, as if nobody was watching.
As I got out of stage I burst into tears. Many congratulated me for my ‘outstanding; performance but the words of a three year old child were never forgotten. This little girl in a pink tutu came and looked at me straight into my eyes and told me ‘I want to be like you one day’. Those words have left a mark on me that nobody could erase.
I had a officially become a ballerina, because I do believe that only true ballerinas dance passionately on stage.
Later on that year, I was diagnosed with a heart condition and as hard as it was for me to keep on going, I did. I did for my grand-mother, and I did because living without ballet was no longer an option. Ballet had become a part of me, and this had pushed me to dance even more.
I now dance to celebrate joy. I dance to express my sadness. I dance to get rid of the my anger. I dance until I cannot feel my feet. I dance until sweat comes dripping off my face. I dance until it takes my breath away.
2016 was my turning point. My teacher and role model decided that it was time for me to do my first solo. It took a lot time, I’d often break down and cry. I was convinced I could not make and wanted to give up. It was extremely hard and there were days where I had to go even though my body was aching and I did not feel like moving out of my bed. I’d lay down for 30 after 3 hours of training and just cry, cry my heart out. I’d spent most of the time between school and studio, and when I had free time I mostly dedicated it to stretches, floor work and whatever would keep me fit.
Nevertheless, I did not let go and on the 20th of May 2016 I finally did it. Not only I managed to dance and get the people to dance along and sing with me to the tune of Flashdance’s infamous ‘What a Feeling’, but I also managed to win my battle against my stage fright, anxiety and panic attacks.
Few are the words that describe my feelings towards ballet. I do not love it because I’ll always have to push harder and I believe I’ll never be good enough, nonetheless my life would be meaningless and would have absolutely no glimmer without it.
Ballet is my everything. Ballet is the reason I breath.
Nadine Abdel-Hamid.