Anxiety

One word, seven letters. Anxiety.

A nervous disorder marked by excessive uneasiness and doubt, typically with compulsive behaviour or panic attacks. Anxiety can be a symptom of mental illness characterised by feelings of nervousness or distress without a noticeable cause.

In other words, anxiety is a disorder that makes you overthink and worry about anything and everything, and takes over you anytime and anywhere you are.

I dress like you. I talk like you. I eat like you. But I am not like you.

It’s 7:30AM. I wake up, right before the alarm goes off, because in my sleep, my brain keeps on counting the seconds, every nanoseconds that goes by due to my phobia of over sleeping and missing a class. My body is still sleepy. I spent the whole night tossing and turning and wasn’t able to rest. Yet, I have to get up since today is a new day and I will be like you. I will surmount it.

I rush myself, and run down the stairs so I don’t miss the bus, and hop on it.

There I am, sitting and counting the stations left for me to get to class. I put my earphones on.

A moment of peace.

It’s 9:00AM. The teacher closes the door, and starts the class. She asks a question and I think I know the answer but my heart starts pumping blood and I can feel the overflow get faster and faster in my body. I start shaking and breath and start having difficulties breathing. What if I have the wrong answer? What if the people around me laugh at me?

I try as hard as I can to reassure myself and act as if everything is fine, even though my body is fighting against me.

I mutter what I believe is the answer, but someone more courageous, who’s stronger, who doesn’t hesitate and doesn’t lack of confidence has spoken more loudly than me.

My answer was right.

I’m standing in the line, waiting for my turn to order lunch. I keep on repeating to myself the order over and over again. The queue is moving and it’s almost my turn.

Why is it so hard for me to do something I do everyday? Why do I keep on rehearsing as if I was going on stage, as if I was acting? Why is everyone doing it so naturally? Why can’t I be like them?

It’s my turn, and I finally pronounce what I have been ceaselessly reciting inside my head for the past ten minutes : ‘a cheeseburger without tomatoes and salad, some fries and a juice please’. It wasn’t that hard after all, I don’t know why I kept on overthinking it. Maybe, it really is all in my mind, at the end, the cashier women didn’t notice anything, for her, I was just like you.

I smile. I’ve made it.

I’m on the bus now, and it’s the rush hour. The bus is jammed and all the seats are taken. I stand next to a window and put my earphones on. I count the stops.

8 stops, 15 minutes. Two stops later, a large crowd bursts in, and I have to press my tiny body to the window to be able to leave them some distance to stand. I feel crushed and in desperate need of personal space. I start feeling the oxygen missing as we’re all breathing from it, and finishing it. A young man notices me struggling and looks at me trying to figure out what is wrong. But what is wrong? Those are human beings just like any other human beings taking the bus that will lead them home, so why am I stressing? Why am I getting an anxiety attack?

My hand starts shaking, so I put it in my pocket so no one pays attention to my weakness, and boost up the volume in my ears.

The young man, looks away as I start breathing slowly, making myself as discreet as possible.

I’m one stop away, just one more moment to hang on to.

It’s 6:00PM and I’m laying on the couch. I receive a message. ‘We need to talk’. I try to keep calm but I just can’t. I’ve been trying all day long to resist, I’ve been trying to fight my body but everyday is a loosing battle against it.

I feel the blood streaming down my veins and my heart going faster by each second. I’m getting palpitations and it’s pounding so hard. It’s pounding and pouding and I feel as if it’s going to explode. I feel like I’m running out of breaths and start to panic even more which makes me want to burst into tears.

I suddenly remember that I’ve heard a technique to overcome those attacks, which ‘consists on connecting to the world’. I try to relax and to reconnect with the cosmos.

I take a deep breath and can hear the cars down the streets, steps and a dog barking, but I’m trying to speak but words seem too heavy for them to come out of my mouth. I try to focus on my vision, but it’s getting blurrier and I’m having trouble seeing.

Every single scenario that has happened today is echoing in my head, louder and louder, making it hard for me to focus on anything.

I start sweating, and wondering if I just should surrender and give myself to it. Maybe it’s time for me to go?

I’m trying as hard as I can to hold on, but each seconds that passes, detaches me from reality even more.

So I just lie there, hoping it will get better.

It has completely taken over me. I close my eyes, to make it easier as I feel like my body and my soul are in a constant war.

It’s 7:30AM. I wake up, right before the alarm goes off, because in my sleep, my brain keeps on counting the seconds, every nanoseconds that goes by due to my phobia of over sleeping and missing a class. My body is still sleepy. I spent the whole night tossing and turning and wasn’t able to rest. I check my phone. My friend just wanted to know my opinion on a book.

I rush myself, and run down the stairs so I don’t miss the bus, and hop on it.

There I am, sitting and counting the stations left for me to get to class. I put my earphones on.

It’s 7:30AM. Today is a new day, but I am still not like you.