A life so changed

Everything happens for a reason… or at least that’s what I suppose. It’s funny how one decision can change your life completely and change your exceptions. Funnier, how life is full of unexpected events and moments which turn out to be the best memories our lives.

If you stop someone in the street and ask him what were the best years of his lives, probabilities are he’s going to answer by saying his teenage years, his twenties, or either.

Those are the years we are expected to do our biggest mistakes but also greatest memories. To madly fall in love, and get deeply heartbroken.

To do all of those heart-wrenching memories that will make our hearts tingle each time our grandsons will ask about our youth.

A year ago… Just a year ago… everything was so different and if I ought to say how I imagined my life would be a year ago, I would simply answer that I had absolutely no idea, but that I loved sailing into the deep ocean that are our paths as long as I had you by my side.

A year ago, you called me mine.

A year ago, I was yours.

Now I’m not going to tell you about the tears that I didn’t have the power to dry, or the endless sleepless night I spent tossing and turning wondering if I’ll ever come at ease… if everything would be the same. At that very moment i had to face a reality I never had encountered before, which is the fact that nothing actually stays the same. We’re constantly changing as we make decisions throughout our lives that guides somewhere instead of another.

And by so, life is a one way road: we cannot go back to our decisions, as it lead us to where we stand currently.

It is both a blessing and a curse to remember everything so deeply and precisely.

I would be lying if I said that I was love struck but as I saw you, as you sat down by my side, as you spilled your beer on me, something deep inside, something unknown to me, told me, you were going to be an indispensable person to me, and that my life had taken an unexpected crucial turn from which there was no u-turn.

That’s why I remember every single instant, every fleeting moment spent together.

From the beers, to yelling at each other in public. From the kisses, to slapping your face. From the laughs to the frowns. From our epic memories to our worst: every single thing is stored in my heart.

That’s why, I truly believe it was so hard for me to turn my back and and just walk off.

I’m still convinced that you brought out the best in me, and fuelled my artistic spirit, and perhaps that is indeed why you remain my muse and source of inspiration. It took me so much courage, so much power to kiss you, get off the car and never turn back again. At that precise moment I knew, whatever it was, whatever it meant to you, had ended and that our roads would probably never cross again.

I would’ve loved to stay. I really would’ve loved to stay.

I would’ve loved to stay. I would’ve loved to grow old with you, I would’ve loved to be part of your life even if as meaningless as I might’ve been, I just would’ve loved to stay in contact with you, but I couldn’t.

When I walked off that night, I knew I was never going to see your wonderful smile again, that I wasn’t kissing goodbye those cheeks, that contrariwise I had kissed you farewell this time. Nonetheless, I still closed the door and walked away, because I had to, and no choice was left for me but to leave, thus for my own good. What hurt me the most, wasn’t the fact that you let me slip of your hands and didn’t try to hold me back, but the it was all the ‘what-ifs’ and the ‘maybes’, that had me tormented. What if I met you years from now? How would I react? Would I smile, or would I cry? Would I run to your arms and feel at home again, or would I just walk by as if any stranger had turned at the corner of the street?

If I would I ever be able to really let you go or would I just keep searching for your eyes all around the world?

Perhaps years from now, I will regret letting you go, but as today is today it seemed to me that this was the only reasonable way to keep on moving forward, to keep on breathing. As Emily Bronte would say, when I was with you: ‘ I had to remind myself to breath almost to remind my heart to beat’.

Sometimes I feel like I really miss you, especially when I see something that reminds me of you, nevertheless I always feel like I miss what we used to be, our funny moments, our past and that I do not miss you as the person you are today, but the person you were, the person I was when I was side by side with you.

As peculiar as the idea might be, as I never expected for me to think of such thing, yet I must say that I am looking forward for the future even though it no longer includes you.

I am thankful for all those marvellous summer nights spent together, for all those lovely moments we shared, for making unforgettable memories I shall cherish till my very last breath. I am grateful and thankful for all the times you made me feel alive, for making me look at the stars, for making me wonder what the future holds, for making me enjoy the little tiny things that make our life better.

I am happy for you and all the wonderful things you have achieved, and though I do not know much about you anymore, besides the few things I come across with on Facebook, I hope you carry a smile everywhere and anywhere you ago.

This is the last time I’m probably writing something about you as I’m starting to run out words, becoming quite monotonous, as my emotions are starting to become a faded image as well, but if there’s one thing I want you to know, is that I left with a smile.

A part of me will always love you as you were, my truest, and most precious love.

What did I mean to you more than the others : Nothing. 

What did you mean to me more than the others : Everything.

A year ago, you called me mine. A year ago, I was yours.

A life so changed.