Dearest Son

Dearest son,

                    9 months and 2 days. 9 months and 2 days when I had the privilege of feeling your heart beating in sync with mine. Then how come  I didn't realise when that sync ended? How foolish of me to not see the signal. The day I realised that your little heart was pumping inside me, that my son was the happiest day of my life. Your father cried when i told him and your dadi? she was the happiest person on earth. And me? i couldn't help but imagine the day I would see you, hold you, and tell you in person how much I love you.

                    My boy, trust me, I tried to take the best care of you. I ate all the nourishing food, stayed happy, read all the books on good parenting, exercised, I  got you a new blue crib and your nani made you sweaters and caps of the softest wool and oh my god I even followed all the daily rituals that the pandit told me to do for your long and healthy life. Irony of life huh? Now who will wear that yellow and red sweater with matching socks, gloves and cap? Or who will sleep in that beautiful crib?

                  Whenever you liked or disliked something , I remember you would kick the walls of my womb, as if trying to convey something to me. Then why didn't you tell me that the pipe that was supposed to supply you with oxygen was the one which was depriving you of it? Why didn't you kick and kick till i understood? Science says that the maximum pain a woman endures while childbirth is equivalent to 20 bones breaking at the same time.They lie. Your heartbreaking into those 20 million pieces when the nurse tells you that your son isn't breathing is way way way more painful. I can survive 20 bones breaking every damn day but not this.

                 Your papa is crying in muffled tones, your dadi seems angry. I don't know if she is angry with me, herself or just life in general. People are coming and giving us their condolences.  They are telling me its going to be fine. They are telling me how it was not meant to be. I wanna shout and tell each and everyone of them that I bloody know it wasn't meant to be, that it is not okay. You were supposed to be in my arms today, smiling, playing and breathing.

                  People say that the biggest grief for a mother is to see her son die. They are wrong. The biggest grief for a mother is having her baby die inside her. I hope wherever you are right now treats you better than my womb. I hope wherever you are you never forget the 9 months and 2 days you spent with me because my baby, I will never forget them. I will always love you. How I hoped that you had lived.

                                                                                           - Maa.