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Illustration by @luciesalgado
When I was 14 years old, this senior of mine who I totally adored hung herself from the fan. All I remember was her having the idlis from my tiffin everyday and having shiny golden brown hair. We were very close.One fine day she didn't turn up for her biology pre-board exam. Just like that. And while everyone told me and they howled and cried, I couldn't shed a single tear. My mind could not comprehend what had happened. It still cannot. When I was 17 years old, a grade mate of mine did the same. One day I saw her in the corridors with thick eyeliner and the next day she was gone. Just like that. All I remember was her carefully eyeing me and assesing me the first time we met and me telling her not to wear black stockings under the school skirt. She was gone, just like that. Everyone cried, I couldn't comprehend what happened.We weren't close. I am 18 years and 10 months old, and this girl from my childhood, who I had known for 16 years of my life, did the same. I just remember that she would eat kichdi everytime she felt low and she liked cadbury nutties more than anything in the world. During sleepovers, she would always give me the harder pillow, and would keep the AC at 25. All I remember was that one time in a fancy dress in school, she was Krishna and I was Radha. All I remember was that I facetimed her a night before she was gone, just like that. We were so close that we had held each others hands when we got vaccinations, I lost my milk tooth while playing basketball while she laughed at me. We had matching nightsuits, she called my dad bade papa. Everyone cried, I couldn't. I can't. I can't comprehend what happened.
What I can't stop thinking about is the fact that we don't know actual people. We know their shadows. We know what's going on with the shadow, not the real person. I knew these people, but I didn't know them. I befriended their shadows and how sad is that. How fucking sad. Maybe, just maybe, if I had know the real people I could have made sure they were not gone, just like that. Maybe, just maybe, then I could have shed tears on the loss of a person and not the shadow I knew. Maybe, if we weren't so ignorant. Just maybe.
71 Launches
Part of the Happenings collection
Published on June 13, 2017
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