When?

It's going to be an year now. One whole year. 52 weeks. Science says that if you give up something for 14 days, it goes out of your system. When will you get out of my system? When will I give you up?

I am tired of writing about you. Yes, you were my muse, the inspiration for my work but it's tiring, going through the memories, remembering every small little details. How you liked your coffee, how your nails were too short, your favourite t-shirt or the secret of your name. The weight of these memories are too heavy to carry. I am tired of telling the world that I don't care when I really really do. Wearing a mask, being a walking, talking facade can be difficult.

Everyone I am close to thinks that I have a tendency to push people away. I don't think that is true. I don't push them away, I just distance myself. But what is wrong in that? I am being careful, careful not to hurt myself and careful not to hurt them. But this constant distancing requires a lot of effort and everytime I distance myself away from them, it only reminds me of the fact that I wouldn't have done it if they were you. I am so so tired.

I have matured before time, I have learnt to survive with bone-numbing pain, to smile even when all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry for days and I have learnt how to not use my heart at all. And all this in one year. But when will I stop saying goodnights and good mornings to you, even when you are not around to listen? When will I stop worrying about how your exams are going, even when we haven't spoken in a month. When will I stop waiting and hoping, when will I stop forgiving you and defending you? When will I start loving the people around me who love me right now? When will you actually get out of my system dear boy? When?