Things I thought I’ll tell you…

Mom, it’s been a while since we have been away from each other. I didn’t miss you when I was called for dinner by my friends instead of you. My eyes never did search for you in the markets when I sometimes was left behind watching these charming clothes in the show of the shops. Mornings have been easy without you. No one did ask me to get up early here! No one stopped me from dancing in the rain and dirty clothes look better on the chair than in the bathroom when you’d scold me to put them there. Yes! I can talk more freely about my male friends here with my girls! And do you remember how you’d scold me for coming home late? No one does it here! I love this place so much Mom! Without you I feel so liberated chasing what I want dreaming of love and getting wherever I want. This wasn’t so easy with you watching over me in the box you called home! My friends, they bring cake for me on my birthdays! Silly. Aren’t they! And you know what Mom? I love partying! Oh here it is so easy to love myself dancing in the crowd with people hallowing and shaking their bodies to the rhythm of music. I can watch T.V. here all night. No one can stop me! And my clothes! They are a bit shorter than the ones in the photographs you love. And I don’t attend classes here regularly. It’s okay! I realised that you used to take my studies more seriously than they should be taken! Well! And I have coloured my hair blonde! Not completely though! But streaks are there. They call me stylo girl! Aah!!! Do I now have to tell you who “they” are? Well! My college mates. Oh I think I hold them spellbound when I pass by wearing that smile and the crop top you don’t know about. Life is a lot easier without you here Mom. I don’t want to come back to the place you call home. I’m happy here. Free.

Mom! I’m telling you this because this is what I’d have said a few days ago. And I want to tell you everything that lingers in my head. I want to be honest. You are the one I can be with, I feel.

Today, sitting here alone in this dingy room with this street light piercing through the curtain I didn’t put on the window, I feel lonely. My friends are no longer the way they were when they became my friends. They love each other I think. And they leave me behind I know. They don’t want to be with me. And I don’t want them to be fake. I don’t know what is wrong with me. Everyone leaves me. Am I chaotic Mom? But then you loved me for that too! How in all these years I couldn’t understand it? You never left Mom. Never did you made me feel as if you’ll do!

How in all these years of college, I didn’t realize that at the end of each day I was sad because of not getting a kiss on my forehead. How there was no one to pull me out of those nightmares of not being enough! There wasn’t anyone searching for me here in the colourful streets of dense markets. No one made me a morning coffee in my exam days. No one here was there at the beginning of the room to serve me with cheerful smiles asking me how my day was and if I wanted to rest for a while before having my lunch! No one scolded me for not eating enough. No one here actually cared if I had my meal! No one was there to cover me with the quilt at the end of a tiring day. No one called me to show me a new pair of shoes on these days of no occasions. No one asked me if I want the window seat in the buses. No one told me that growing up would be hard. Everyone left Mom. And I’m afraid if after reading this, you’ll be there or not. But I don’t want you to leave me Mom. I now know why you called that place home. And after all these years what I believe is that this was a journey not of growing up but of going back to the time when I was your daughter to be one again.