A letter to my dad

 This is a letter from a daughter to her father. A daughter who lost her dad  before she realized how much she loved him, before she could tell him that she loved him the most.This letter is addressed to you dad. It contains all my emotions, feelings, thoughts and most important is my love which I never got to express. 

   Dad I miss you so much. I miss you so much that it's hard to breathe. There isn't a day that goes where your never crossed my mind. All these years I had taken everything for granted. I never once was thankful for all the things in my life, for the beautiful family, for the comfortable life. I never In my wildest dreams thought that the day I realize the value of these things would be the last day of your life.... 

For a start we never had a very great relationship. You weren't involved for the bigger part of my childhood but nevertheless you were present. By the time I reached my teenage years you corrected your ways, you started filling all the empty pages of my life of the time you weren't present . I had the most beautiful family  in the world and the best thing  is you were part of it dad. You played your role well, you were the father that I craved for but I never could adapt to this side of you, the protective, loving side of you. I found it so difficult because for a bigger part of my childhood you weren't there. Hence I started being rebellious, would always fight with you, would  always answer against you. You were always worried about me, worried when I would reach home late from college, about my studies, everytime  I would fall sick(which is very often), if people would hurt me or take me for granted because for you I was naive, about my future, about my life. I misunderstood you big time dad. I thought you were being very strict and that you were treating me badly, and that you were being partial towards me. I felt I am not given freedom. Never once did I understand that this was your concern, protectiveness and love for your daughter. 

Then came the biggest phase in my life or I may say the biggest blow in my life..... 

The time you were diagnosed with lung cancer which was already in 4th stage. This was when I was at the beginning of my career. I had my biggest heart break. My heart never wanted to accept the fact that you have cancer and that there are chances of me losing you. I wish at least then I should have spent more with you . No I had be stubborn  and had a different way to cope with it. A way I regret till date. I shut myself down completely, started to pay more attention to other people, friends when it should have been opposite. You decided to go ahead with your treatment because you wanted to live for your kids, for your wife. You started with your chemotherapy. The side effects it had on you ripped my heart apart. To see you losing your hair everyday, vomiting every time you eat, to always be on bed,to see you the most active person to be idle like that on the bed all day broke my heart bit by bit. Though you were going through so much pain, never once did you complain, never let us see the pain you endured during the treatment . You were always positive. You were fighting against cancer just so u could live to see your kids grow big . Yet I didn't realize all this because I was drowned in my own sorrow, was busy coping with the truth. 2 years passed with the same routine. I thought you'll be fine with all the treatment,but I was so wrong, life is never the way we want it to be....... 

Then came the time limit, time limit for your survival. How funny! I thought things will not get any worse than it is but life had taken a challenge on itself to prove me wrong. Every passing day got you more near to death. Your condition got worse. We didn't have slightest of idea as to what was happening with you. You started to forget things, you had diplopia, you would randomly speak. The whole family panicked, nobody knew what to do. Later we were informed  that cancer was in its metastasis stage(there were lesions in your brain)  and all these symptoms were result of it. To hear that these were your last days with us created such a havoc in my heart which was just not explainable . Things kept getting worse day by day. There was a time where out of all people in the family you forgot that I was your daughter, you forgot my name, forgot me completely dad. That moment I felt that somebody punched me so hard that there was no power left in me to breathe. Then you would walk out of the home in the midnight, you forgot how to dress, you required assistance for your needs, to use washroom  etc.. Everybody had sleepless nights because nobody knew what would happen next.... 

Then I realized that I am losing you, it scared the living day lights out if me. I cried all day and night. One fine day I realized that I had to be strong for everyone  else in the family. Though I am the younger one I had to become the strength of the family. I pushed all my feelings, emotions, pain to the deepest corner of my heart,i was in a auto pilot mode. My bad that I didn't even have the privilege to express my pain. Then came the last 20 days of your life. You were completely bed ridden. Everytime I think there is no way possible for your condition to get any worse, I feel the whole world and the energy in it wants to let me down. In your last days you had hepatitis and doctors told that you would survive only for few more days and it's better to spend the last days at home with the family,so we got you home. Mom, being your loving wife did all that she could  she took care of you like a baby. She bathed you, fed you, would talk to you inspite of knowing that you wouldn't speak or respond, she knows you are listening to her. She was finding it difficult to do all of it alone then I took over half of the work. I would feed you, talk to you, sit next to you till you fall asleep. Mom would cry everytime I would help her in changing your diapers but I was honored to serve you, not everybody gets the opportunity. You were fighting a very hard battle just for us. Since there was no medical supervision we shifted you to a cancer rehabilitation Centre. So much kept happening yet I didn't cry because I had no other option than to be strong...........

The day before your death was the day I broke down, cried and asked for your forgiveness. I asked you to not to be so hard on yourself. Even then i couldn't express my love for you dad....... 

The next day came the news of your death and I was completely shattered, broken. I felt like I was pushed to the most darkest pit of the world. I prepared myself for this outcome but no matter how hard you prepare, situations will hit us so hard in life that it'll make us stumble and fall down hard. It'll make us question everything around us. There was nothing left in me, I was empty inside. You left me, left me forever. The amount of pain and trauma I went through to see your lifeless body can't be explained. My life had no meaning. Every second the news kept hitting me hard that the moment the lid of the coffin is closed, I will never get to see you, touch you ever,you'll be gone forever....... 

I miss you dad. I so badly wish I could get you back in my life, to make everything right. But i know that nothing can be changed now. I never realized until I lost you that you are my strength and that you are the backbone of the family. You are the bravest person I have ever seen. You were always respected, people adore you till date. You are my inspiration dad. You were always there for me, in my good and bad. You protected me, always took my side, always loved me. Thank you dad for all that you have done, for being the best dad, for leaving all your qualities in me for making me the second version of you.... 

My heart felt apology for all the time I disrespected you, for speaking against you for misunderstanding you, for all the tantrums I showed. I am really sorry...... 

I promise to make you proud, to take care of the family like you took care, to keep the family united like u always did. I promise to be the best version of myself, to always be kind, obedient and loving. I may make mistakes but I'll make sure to correct myself and learn the best lesson from it and walk in the right path...... 

I promise to always be your princess...... 

And I want to say something which I never got to express before. I wish there is some magic or some power which could get you back to me just for a minute so that I can tell you that I always had loved you and will always love you. I never knew that it'll be too late before I realize how much I love you...

I know you are in a better place, with God in heaven and you are looking over all of us. You'll guard over us like a guardian angel. This is until I join you there...... 

You are my hero

My king

My inspiration 

My role model, and more over

My loving dad

I LOVE YOU A LOT DAD AND MISS YOU INFINITELY......... 

                           Your little princess