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He stared at the window, staring at the blue sky, wondering if the whole world would shatter if his very existence ceases to exist.
He tapped his pen on his desk, waiting for the bell, waiting for that moment when he could finally disappear, away from the people with masks and makeshift faces. Strangers and murderers both seemed to make little to no difference to him. Both have the ability to ruin his life with a single suicidal smile and a cutting conversation. It hurt him for people to notice him; it hurt him more when they talked about him. He looked at his watch, it wasn’t time yet.
He had noticed the cuts from his wrists, some were new, some were old, but each of them tells the same story. He bit his lip and felt the burning pain from it. The pain had awakened his senses; he was able to feel once again, even if it was just a little, even if the feeling was pain, it was enough.
The bell rang, the deafening noises of shouts and murmurs rushed throughout the entire room. The boy stood up, and for a second he had stolen a glance from a girl from the other side of the room. She had emerald eyes, similar to evergreen trees from the place that was promised to him, similar to the grass from the countryside in where grew up. She smiled at him, he tried his best to smile and there was nothing else he could do then.
It was time. He went down and head straight towards courtyard. He had remembered that girl’s smile and felt guilty. He had stolen her smile from time and space, away from destiny and fate. It was another weight that he had to carry, another cut in his wrist to remind him.
In the courtyard people piled up in one bulletin board. He pushed forward determined to get to the front of the endless sea of people, each chattering, each of them trying to find the results of their future. He made it to the front. He looked for his name. He found it on the top of the list. He was on top of the world. A smile escaped his lips. He had made his mark; he could finally escape from that godforsaken place.
His uncertain downfall became certain. His achievements, his regrets, both created a space between his heart and mind, separating the two entities that keeps him alive. His logic, his emotion, enter a new state of consciousness, as if he was once again born with a newfound purpose. Life would carry on, his life would carry on.
He walked home. He still thought of the girl and that single thought alongside his final grade made him happy. He thought of her smile, he thought of how she made him look significant in a world filled with insignificant people.How could his face stand out? How could he be seen? How could his being exist to her? Is it possible that she could see things that doesn't exist? Materialize things that aren't even there? Because last time he checked, he never existed in the world. He was just like the wind, felt but mostly ignored.
It was the curse of non-existence. The talent of being there but never seen, never recognized. The ability to fully disappear. But today is different.
He walked unhurriedly, feeling every gust of wind, listening to every sound of the world, because he had known that he had become one with it. He had fulfilled himself his given promise, it was something he had always wanted. It's amazing how numbers could define someone's life. It's amazing how he let a number define his life.
He had reached the city. The rusted color of the afternoon sky reflected on the mirrors of the buildings creating a vibrant but calm hue to his surroundings. He stared up towards the buildings, appreciating each given architecture, wondering how each building was produced and how much sacrifices had been given for them to be built. Buildings are quite similar to people's lives after all, they all rise and fall.
He entered in one of them and after days and days of canvassing which building was the right one, he had finally found it.
He entered the fire exit and ran the stairs upwards. No one stopped him, no one noticed him, it was meant to be. He had run so many miles that climbing all the flights of stairs didn’t bother him, he didn’t stop to breathe, he didn’t stop at all. His emotions were in so much ecstasy that he knew nothing would ever stop him to shout out to the world about his greatest achievement.
He stood on top of the world; he stood on top of his world. He raised his arms towards the sky and shouted until his lungs burned and his voice grew coarse. He smiled. It was a long time since he smiled that much before. Then he looked down into oblivion. He was ready to escape this godforsaken place.
He wondered if the whole world would shatter if his existence ceases to exist. The answer was that, it won’t.