A polite scream

I am a normal citizen. A member of the society that endlessly strives to be peaceful and be perfect. I take their shape seamlessly and suck in the rest of me. The excess of me. for the sight of my unusual would make them ask me if I am okay, and that will only make me want to curl my fingers and dig my perfectly trimmed nails to my palms. Be careful of those ruby crescents, they might sound the alarm! I am okay. Yes, I am.

I have once thought of clashing these two empty and used mugs while I was on my way of placing them on the sink. I tried it.

Gently.

Gave it a clink.

I tried again, this one a little louder.

I skipped the third time because I knew the mugs would break. A family member would ask what happened? And I'd smile and tell them it was my usual clumsiness, I ended up dropping them both!

The music is loud. It hammers my ears and fills the tight gaps in my thoughts. I use my earphones to drown out the music that my roommate chose. Will she ever notice? How equality of the room actually means that I leave every morning to find my own space, to find a place where I can work on. Because she likes music and she wishes for the lights to turn off. Even my small lamp light is being asked to rest when I'm still wide awake. Yes, peace means straining my eyes for the convenience of my roommate, May she rest well.

I am good with that, you know? Consideration for others. I can go insane and would still do my daily tasks, smile at their jokes, and nod as if I am listening to their every story. I can text my lover, all the same, ride along with her lovey-dovey messages because saying I am not feeling so good doesn't stop her from seeking my attention.

It appears that many people need company. Many need attention and by god, I am so welcoming. You can never meet someone as inviting as I am. Come to me, let me caress and tingle your desire for human interaction. Don't deduct my perfect score for vomiting all that I eat when I shower, no one would even know and there is no harm done. I can always eat again and it's one of the very few times when I feel the freest.

No one is around.

Finally.

But the water bill is rising and I need to wear my clothes soon. I lean my head on the wall. I do it again. I skipped the third time for my brains might jump out! People would scream! We can't have that in our little perfect society, can't we? But you know, I sometimes think that would be gratifying for me in the end; see their shock for a while and laugh hysterically with tears on my eyes whilst asking them,

"You didn't know, did you?"

"DIDN'T YOU?"

But what happens after the chaos? A few tears dropped and nothing more. Work starts on Mondays, at 8 AM, as always.

I refuse to be tagged out. I'll stay and see what awaits us in the end.

I pet my cat and wish for a better day.

I stare at a stranger and hope she's doing it better than I do. Shes' a citizen too! Just like I am.

I am a normal citizen. A member of the society that endlessly strives to be peaceful and be perfect.

I dare say I'm fucking remarkable at it.