A Stranger And Butterflies

The sun had already set. The sky's color was already changing from pinkish orange to dark blue. I could finally see the moon and some stars. The sound of the birds' chirping together with the sound of the river flowing and the gust of the wind were only the things that heard. It was already dark and gloom. And so is my life.

I was sitting alone at the river side. I really felt lonely that time. No one was on my side to comfort me. I felt alone and just a burden to everyone else.

"Hey."

I looked behind my back. Just a stranger around my age and he seemed so depressed. I haven't seen him before but... Well, I guess I’ll talk to him.

"Hi." I said as I forced myself to smile.

"What are you doing here alone in the dark? It's dangerous for a girl to wander alone." he said as he sat next to me with a distance.

"Nah, I can handle myself. And I won't be here for long, you know. I'm just wasting some of my time here before I leave. Why are you here anyway? Something painful happening to you?" I asked and I picked up a small rock and threw it on the river.

I waited for an answer but he didn't say anything. I looked at him and he was just silently looking at the half moon. And I could see something sparkled in his eyes. It was his tears.

He noticed me staring at him then he wiped his tears as he looked back at me with a forced smile. "To make long story short, I can't touch my girlfriend because she moved three years ago and she tried killing herself twice because she was raped two times in a week." he said as he covered his eyes with his left arm.

I was speechless. I didn't know what to say. My eyes widened as I was shocked. It felt like I shouldn't be lonely over something because there's people out there who's suffering more than me.

"What-- How did that happen? You should be with your girlfriend right now!" I said. I didn't know how to react nor what to say.

"As I said, she moved three years ago and she's in the US. I can only talk to her over the phone. "

"Do you have any savings?"

"They are not enough. You know it takes 300 grand to take a ticket." He said and looked at me with those painful eyes.

"What about her parents? Does she have any friends to help her?" I asked.

"She's adopted. Her parents doesn't care about her--they hate her, to be exact. And her friends can't be much of help since she can't talk about it." he said and looked up to the sky. "She keep on blaming herself that it's her fault that she was raped." he added.

It was painful to hear what he said. Every words passed through my heart and I felt so stupid and weak for wanting to kill myself just because I'm lonely in this world wherein fact many people out there are suffering more than me!

"You should tell her that it's not her fault. It's that bastard's fault! How did she get herself raped?" I asked a little bit curious as I stare at him.

"I always tell that to her. Every single day. And she didn't get herself raped. She WAS raped. And it was her friend. Twice in a week. She doesn't really want to talk about that and she never told that to anyone except me after I stop her from slitting her throat." he said and he hugged his knees. "You know, I don't know what to do anymore. I am all messed up."

"Oh, I'm sorry about that. Yeah, she was raped. But you guys shouldn't give up. Just show to her that you love her no matter what happens. So, was the rapist caught already? Did they already go to the police?"

"I've been doing that. I am showing my love as much as possible I can. But love enough, isn't enough for her to keep on living. She doesn't want to live anymore and so do I." he looked up and heaved a sigh. He then lay down and put his hands at the bottom of his head as a support. "The police can't talk to her, they can't get any information. You know, she won't say anything." he added as he stared at the dark sky.

I also looked up at the sky as I could feel the aura here being gloomy and sad. "Why... Why give up? Have faith in God. Everything happens for a reason. I'm sure you guys will survive. Just believe in Him!" I said looking into his eyes. He looked back at me and he shook his head slowly.

"Is there even a God? If yes, then why is He letting me suffer? I've lost everything. God, hope, light... I don't have anything anymore." he said.

"Bu--"

He cut me off.

"What are you doing here, anyway? Is there something wrong? You said you're just wasting your time here before you leave. Where are you planning to go?" he asked, his voice became more firm. He then slowly closed his eyes.

"Well, I--" I gulped first. It wouldn't be nice if I tell him that I was planning to kill myself just because I'm depressed. He's suffering more than me for pete's sake! "The truth is, I've been wanting to die. You know, I am sick. And I can no longer be healed. I'm just thinking that it would be a lot of easier if I just kill myself." nice lie! Damn, how could I lie?! Why would I say that! I hate myself!

"So, you're dying?" he asked as he opened his left eye to look at me and I nodded.

I lay down just like what he did earlier and looked up at the sky. I was battling inside my head, arguing why I lied. Oh gosh, I’m such a bad girl!

"Ah, yeah.” I finally answered. "And I, too, has questioned God. But I think we have no choice but to believe in Him. Maybe He has better plans for us. Plus God will not let us suffer for no reason." I said a little bit nervous. I guess, I just have to this.

"I don't believe in Him anymore. I can't bring Him back in my life. I just want to die now to end the pain. How old are you?"

"I am only 15. If you don’t believe in God, then how will you have the strength to face your problems? But you know, you don't have to believe in God if you don't want to. It’s up to you if God do exists or not. But please, believe in yourself. You can survive this." I said.

"I am also 15. I don't believe in myself too. I am burdened with depression and these painful happenings. You are burdened with your sickness. I don't think I can survive this." he said as he reached his hand out at the moon.

Damn, how I wished I could tell him that I’m not really dying! Well, I guessed I didn’t have any choice but to continue what I started.

I faced him and said, "If you're not going to believe in yourself then there's no way you can overcome this. How will you see the light, how will you get through with this, how will you win without believing in yourself? Sure, life ain't easy. Everyone is having a hard time. You are not the only one suffering."

"I can't overcome them. I don't think I can win this. I am already defeated. I can't hold on anymore." he said then he sat up and looked at me. "Yeah, life ain't that easy. But the only solution I got now is killing myself."

I sat up as well, determined to win the conversation. I can’t just let him win and die, can I? "How can you win if your heart already admitted defeat? You really can't win this way. And killing yourself is not the solution. Look at the brighter side, you and your girlfriend will live--" I couldn't continue what I said because he suddenly stood up.

““Look at the brighter side", huh.” he repeated as he turned his back. “That brighter side for me is too kill myself. I don’t even plan to win anymore. I think I should just let this darkness win over me and die." he said and he forced a smile. He then slowly walked away. "I'm sorry, miss stranger. I can't live my life anymore, your words are really helpful but I’ve already decided." he added.

"Wait!" I said and stood up. He stopped from walking but he didn't even dare to face me. "I'm sorry for not being able to help you. But please, don't give up. There are still great things to happen and if you just live the moment then you might--"

“You might be able to get by and everything might get better.” was what I wanted to say but it seemed like everything I just said was futile, his eyes said so. I could see the look in his eyes that he had already decided.

He looked at me with a little smile on his face then he walked towards me. He then patted my head and said, "I'm sorry too. I can't be of help but you can learn how to live when dying. You know, you said you are already dying so why kill yourself then? Live your life the way you want so you won’t die with regrets. I have to go now." He smiled again and he turned his back again. He then slowly walked away. "I am going to write some notes to my girlfriend. I have to at least say goodbye to her before I die. Bye-bye, miss stranger." he said a little bit far away and I could barely hear that.

I wanted to stop him. But it was too late. I couldn’t see his back anymore, he completely disappeared from my sight. I should have at least asked his name and his girlfriend's.

He's going to kill himself. That's what I thought that time. And tears then flowed down and I couldn't stop them. I told him everything I knew that could help someone, but in the end, I wasn’t able to save him. Just how useless I can be?!

**~

I woke up from a certain noise. I opened my eyes and searched for the noise and I saw a brown butterfly attached to the mosquito net. I frowned. What's the butterfly doing here?

I tried to recall everything that happened yesterday. What happened last night, was it just a dream? I suddenly remembered him. I hoped he's still alive and fine. I couldn't help him, after all. What about her girlfriend? Is she still alive? I couldn't get those thoughts out of my head.

Days passed by and another morning had come. It was just another normal day. I was watching some movies when I saw another butterfly. It was beautiful and colorful. I just really hope they're doing fine. The butterfly flew and I didn’t have any reason to follow it but I just did. Maybe I was just captivated by the beauty of that butterfly. I followed it and without realizing, I was already standing at the river side where I met the stranger.

I looked around me, everything seemed so clear and it’s as if I was watching a movie in a high quality definition. Maybe it was because I was wearing my glasses that time or maybe because it’s daytime but somehow, the river and the trees became a beautiful background. As I wonder the beauty of the nature, I saw two butterflies flying together, circling in each other as if they were playing around. They were the butterflies I saw before.

And as they flew up high, I looked up to the sky and smiled. The wind was refreshing and the sky was beautifully blue. Well, as long as they’re happy then I guess, it’s fine. I thought to myself and breathed.

“Today is such a great day.” I said to myself with a smile on my face.

“It sure is.”

My eyes widened with the sudden response. I didn’t expect that coming. I searched where the voice came from and I saw two lovers looking at me with their sweetest smile. Wait, don’t tell me… Tears started to well up in my eyes as I could see a familiar face and figure. They are—

“Yeah!” I exclaimed happily from the bottom of my heart.