a touch

There are so many intangible wires tangled in a mesh decor and yet it parallels to infinite. Until someday it is darkness and the color is one in all, black.

Past refuses to pass us in the wrapped up future which is a present in itself. A present we mean to suppress many thoughts. Everything's temporary then why the imprint makes us blink for blinks of stint rays of living breathe.

We are hiding a dead on the bed, aren't we? The ghostly and something which is just ours. We return to the grave and dry on it, making sure the silent one knows it all. We envelop ourselves into the cloak to feel the warmth of the lacking tangibles.

My generation loves hurt for we read often to discern on it more; sadistic on the mind and yet human enough to let other emotions of swipe the feet off. We crave bodies just to feel the sense which the five defined ones cannot satisfy us with. What is home if not the graveyard of memories, old and good, and bad, and screams unheard, and struggle and victories, celebrations and mourns, laughter and talks to walls, ceiling, and cold floors, comforts, and disaster in mind and heart. 

But you know, I tried. I tried to be living with my heart and head. Someway always work out to tear out. Just to rip their hope to survive anymore. No more midnight waiting, even 10 am strikes hard to the chest. I am missing the tears for a reason. Drench in the air so thick we choke. I gaze in the reflection on the window and see the truth. I talk to the ogle and the background blurs and focuses itself trying to make the sanity stable.

Even then, I miss the connection. I look at the blank spaces in between stars and its unbelievably peaceful. The missing dots, undefined shapes, and jumbled words, all makes sense. Shattered are the glass pieces on the plain white surface. On purpose I did it. I waited to collect colorful battles of wines and beer and juice and cookery and broke them with the period. I had the pizza and the ice cream tub I eagerly waited to empty today.

I dragged the shell. Mind you I tried, I tried to see the crooked, I saw the ugly endings. I like black and blue I guess. Blue is the painted walls I conceal in. While black is pure beauty never distinguishing. Still and all something is missing. Music. Yes, music. My list has songs from sad to confident booster and motivational and silent and fall asleep ones. Shuffle and play. This time on the speaker of my phone and not the headset. 

I do not refrain (honestly cannot ever) from understanding the beauty of the sunrises. Nevertheless, I will try to keep it to self for the destructive view to be hidden behind the curtains. Like every day, I let the penetrated smooth rays touch me and my white graveyard. I let it feel happiness for what it been known for, yet at the same time, the curtain tells the tale that it's been not welcomed wholeheartedly. 

This day, noises and melody and tension and drama are floating like the dust particles. I don't mind them, not today. I Have the music loud enough o run into me even with these unwanted but calming hubbubs. No messages. I scroll through social media and then stick my head out the window. I see the floating cloud against the light blue layer above. 

Trees around seem to look happier. With willow of leaves, dancing in the breeze. I did a little dance with a glass of wine in hand. I chuckled at the distanced memories and foolish I been all these days. So included that I forgot the day and date.

I bathe for hours long with candles and aromatic incensticks and tried to remember what it feels like to be alone for a while. I promise if I get even a single hey or a complaint or any text ping on my phone, I'll be back before the curtain fall. One last time I let the bed of death stroke me. I let me out and prepare for the night. Music still being my companion for the night through the day until I am discovered. Again. 

Btw do you believe in 9.75 and how one disappears from a place to another in front of everyone and yet nobody notices the disappearance? Do you think some things happen unseen by the logics present? Maybe I'll try a trick of such. A knot is all it takes. Atouch I cannot refuse to fake. I want all to see except nobody. I blow the balloons I bought another day. Just for fun. I blew many as I could while I ran out of desire if any left. Hmm 30 and still counting. Still Counting!! Some of it whooshing around the apartment and well, what happens when such flexible yet fragile comes in contact with something sharp as the broken glass? Blast. I got scared of the burst so suddenly that I felt my heart jump out already. Later realizing I laughed like a crazy wind. 

Damn the ticking. Are you hungry yet? Because I am. I am so hungry that I might die of it. I guess its time. My preparation is just fine. I am satisfied anyway. No disturbance and music are played uninterrupted. Pretty. Should I corner the curtains or shall I leave it cover the windows? I guess I should leave it as it is. So that even tomorrow the ritual be the same. The shades of rays and not directly the rays on me. I don't belong in this club by  Why Don't We, Macklemore. Strange. 

Ahhh, I cannot wait anymore. I am losing my self-control cannot blame I am into songs. With phone(fully charged and flashlight on) in one hand, I walk up to my bed, pull the chair( i love this one), and hop on it. I view the twinkling outside my window, the music, and noise and balloon bursts. I nod my head left and right and then took almost 30 seconds to feel normal again. Then I wrapped my head around the cloth which I prepared hanging from the ceiling. Darkness is surrounding me. Traveling from walls to walls except for the shadow of lights into the house. I am touched in a way more than I am been every in months of this life.

In the next few minutes, I shall vanish from this zone of living and be teleported to somewhere unknown. I ain't thinking anything. All empty. Song by Taylor Swift is playing Innocent. May I be in it and it is with me forever. Forever. I shall take your leave now. I will turn the flashlight off and toss the phone on the bed and at the same time will push the chair too.

3!

1!

Carefully walking through the flat where the suicide is reported, Christopher walks around. A figure hung not much above the floor. Above mentioned were few of the last update by the figure. Claps the book close, Christopher wonders if the wandering shell-less will ever feel the touch she was looking for. He turns to find the shattered glass have a message designed o the floor. A cipher. He finds there are still a couple of balloons around the corner. The phone on the bed ran out of battery. He finds the cord and charges it. Funny, when the screen came to live it had password protection. It asks "Isn't it strange that we are nothing but _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ in the end"  When he cracked opened the password, Christopher was baffled to find no contact, no emails, no social media accounts no SMS, no video. Just a few couples of drafts written to self and somebody called nobody_ever.

Christopher slowly moves towards the window. Light wind making the curtains be the ghosts of the past, present. He peeps through the glass walls to see what did not that the figure live one more night? What took away the flick to stare and wave at the birdies. 

He hears a voice from somewhere in the flat. He tries to find out but cannot. He does not care about the glass on the floor and runs randomly, finds a figure, perhaps the same one who is hung. He is about to touch her shoulder and speak, and that's when his friends nudge him to let him know that they have reached the destination. Puzzled as to what and where and hows he rubs his eyes and looks at the book he was reading "A touch almost".

He follows his fellows but something is not right. He feels light, feather-light, and is away from any thought. As he walks he realized he is flashed with a bright light just enough to blind him and then a complete black. Blue butterflies. He saw them, a lot of them. Then his fellas disappeared in directions unknown. A kid sold a chit to Christopher telling him that's a welcome note. it says " your answers are here already. Will be in touch soon". 

Meanwhile, the world is terrified with the news " A TRAIN ENTERED A TUNNEL NEVER TO BE FOUND EVEN AFTER DECADE OF THE ACCIDENT"