Abused

My story is one that is still very much in process, but I am sharing it to help anybody reading know that they truly are not alone. For many years, I was sure I was the only person on earth who had been through this kind of thing, I felt sick and perverted. What I experienced as a child is something that has brought me a great deal of shame, guilt, and embarrassment, and while I am healing, those feelings still come and go. An important step in my healing was to be able to recognise that when I was abused I did not have even a shred of control – to accept that what happened was not my fault.

The sexual abuse I endured was perpetrated by my kindergarten teacher and her partner. As the abuse progressed, it eventually included the dog the children at the centre played with. The first time I remember it happening, the man held me to the floor by sitting on my stomach, pulled my legs apart, and encouraged the dog to lick my “private area”, while they both watched. Saying that even now brings a wave of disbelief that it could truly have happened, and humiliation, but at the time it was a million times worse and I wanted to sink into the ground and disappear, anything to get away from that room. I was also made to masturbate the dog, with the man giving me instructions on what to do, afterwards telling me how dirty I was, how my “secret” was safe with him. It didn't go much further than this, but I remember it happening many times. I was only four years old, but even then I knew that what was happening was very, very wrong and something to never tell about.

As I grew up, I developed a great sense of shame and alienation from my friends and the other people around me. Kids at school made the inevitable jokes about bestiality, about the people who engaged in that being freaks and perverts and sick. They joked about pictures they found online, and how messed up it was. I knew I could never tell anybody, that they would quickly say the same thing about me. I felt different from everybody else because the sexual abuse, but that part of it was the real clincher. In the end, I felt that if I just pretended it didn't happen, I'd be okay.

That strategy worked for several years, but as I began working on my healing I felt that there was a great big road-block to getting past my shame about the past. I felt I had finally been able to place the responsibility and blame for the abuse onto the people who hurt me throughout my life, and I couldn't see why that didn't translate into no longer feeling ashamed, as I thought it should. A corny light-bulb moment came when I realised that I couldn't release the sense of shame because of that part of my past I had ignored, and I knew it was time to face it.

The healing process was long, and it is certainly still going. There was a time when I felt completely degraded. Even my body repulsed me - I felt like every square centimetre of it was unclean. That feeling eventually passed with healing work, but it was very painful time. I remembered all the times I'd told people how much I loved dogs, the dogs that I'd patted and hugged and kissed, and the shame that came up was like a tidal wave crushing my insides. I didn't know how anybody could even look at me without feeling revolted. It really was a period of feeling utterly dehumanised and alone.

My first steps were to write about it, in a diary just for me, to process the memories and the feelings. As I went, I started to feel more and more like I wanted to talk about this out loud, I didn't want to keep it tucked away in silence any more. I tried to tell my partner, but couldn't get the words out, so I talked about it online instead. The people who replied were supportive, and caring, and they didn't seem to blame me or think any less of me which was unexpected. Regardless, the vulnerability and rawness I felt at sharing something so painful was too much, and I pushed it all back down again for a couple more years.

It wasn't until I went through a break-up in my relationship that I started thinking about it again. The emotions I had from the break-up paralleled the emotions from the abuse, of being unlovable, unworthy, and inherently bad. I found that I couldn't get the memories of what happened with the dog out of my mind. Eventually, I decided to go back into therapy, and I pushed myself to face this and not hide it any longer. Telling my therapist was probably one of the hardest things I've done in my life, but also one of the best. He was compassionate, angry for me, disgusted that anybody would do that to another human being. He articulated that none of what he was feeling was because of me, but was directed at my abusers. His reaction helped me to realise that it wasn't me who was dirty, it wasn't me who should be ashamed, but them – I hadn't been able to see that up until that point.

While my healing is still in progress, and I still find this a very hard topic to talk about, I do know that I have nothing to be ashamed of. What happened to me was not an indecent act between human and animal, but a sadistic form of abuse – it was sexual abuse and rape. I know now that I am no less human or valuable because of it than I am for any other part of my abuse. And most importantly, I know I am not alone and I hope by sharing this part of my story, somebody else will have a glimmer of that for themselves, and begin to work forwards towards their healing.

As I have shared before, WordPress has a feature that enables me to track how people find my blog. I was floored to discover that over 100 searches for the topic of animal rape led to my blog. I never fully appreciated how great a need there was to discuss this topic. If you suffered from animal rape, you are not alone.

Animal rape is a particularly degrading form of sexual abuse. When a person rapes a child, the rapist supposedly gets some form of physical pleasure out of the act. However, when a rapist stands by and watches an animal rape a child, he is clearly experiencing no physical pleasure. Watching the rape is all about degrading the child. The child’s reaction to this is often feeling very deep shame.

It is difficult for a child to put into words what he has experienced. While no child abuse makes sense, having an animal rape a child makes even less. When you cannot even label what you experience, the event seems to take on a life of its own. By calling the act “animal rape,” a person can begin to wrap her mind around what happened and heal.

Many people do not realize that flashbacks do not have to be visual. You can experience a flashback with any of your senses. Some people who have experienced animal rape struggle with having flashbacks in which they feel the rape happening to their bodies again. They can become frightened by the flashback and not know how to make it stop.

If you are struggling with this form of flashback, reassure yourself that this is a normal reaction to severe trauma. Our brains are not the only part of our bodies that hold memories of trauma: Our bodies hold the memories as well. When you experience a body flashback, your body is trying to heal by releasing the memory.

If you have this form of flashback, do not fight it. Instead, allow your body to release the memory. Keep telling yourself that you are now in an adult body and that your abusers can no longer hurt you. After you allow your body to release the flashback, you will stop feeling the need to relive that experience.

You might also find yourself getting triggered whenever you see an animal like the one that raped you, or you might react when you see a particular breed of the animal, such as the same breed of dog used in the animal rape. This is a normal aftereffect of animal rape. Use the tools that you use to manage your triggers when this happens.

When I faced my own memories of animal rape, I was horrified to say the least. This was the form of abuse that my sister most separated herself from, whereas for me, it was the vaginal rapes. Animal rape had not even entered my radar because I was soooo not ready to deal with it.

Then, my sister and I were talking on the phone, and she was saying that there was one abuse that she feared we had suffered but did not want to face. I said it was okay to ask if I had any memories of whatever it was. She said, “It involves a dog,” and then I was free falling. I had a flashback right then and there of being raped by a dog with a camera taking pictures. I confirmed her suspicions and then had to hang up.

Thank goodness for my friends over at Isurvive, and I am so grateful for the chat room. I self-injured, but that did not help with the shame. I was so sickened that I could not look another person in the eye.

I worked up the courage to tell an off-line friend, who knows my whole story. I could not look at her for the rest of the visit, even though she was very supportive. My biggest concern was whether this was the abuse that made me less than human. How could a person participate in bestiality and still be human?

My friends, both off-line and on-line, were quick to point out that bestiality does not equal animal rape. I did not choose the sexual contact, so this was rape, just like all of the other sexual abuse was rape. It took me a while to be able to accept this truth.

Healing from animal rape was hard, but I did it. I can now talk about it without feeling even a hint of shame. Why should I feel any shame about it? I did not choose it. The abuse was an indicator of how contemptible my abusers were but has no reflection on me. I was a precious diamond both before and after experiencing animal rape. NOTHING that another person does to you can change who you are.

I have found a lot of freedom in facing my history of animal rape. Now that I have found my way to loving myself, even after knowing that I was once a victim of animal rape, I feel confident in loving myself no matter what another person ever does to me. Through this realization, I have taken back my power.

If you suffered from animal rape as a child, you are not alone. Many other people know the same pain and shame. You do not deserve any of the shame that you are feeling. That shame belongs squarely on the shoulders of your abusers. You did nothing wrong.

You are a beautiful and precious person just the way you are. Even being raped by an animal could not change the beauty and value of who you are.

I know that discovering what was done to us by our parents when my inside started to reveal stuff etc..with the use of animals knocked us clearly off our healing journey. We felt even more disgusted with ourself and could not get our head round this, we are still recovering many memories of all types of abuse. but the AR recalls always floors us for a long time … I suppose what i am trying to say is how did you get through your memories of the animal rape. Does it still hit you smack in the face or am I just feeling sorrow fro myself and looking for an excuse to feel this way when we recover these memories. To be honest we are more determined to heal than we are to breath at times. I suppose we may push ourself to hard for quick healing. Not sure just wondering to be honest ~ anon.

I know that discovering what was done to us by our parents when my inside started to reveal stuff etc..with the use of animals knocked us clearly off our healing journey. We felt even more disgusted with ourself and could not get our head round this, we are still recovering many memories of all types of abuse. but the AR recalls always floors us for a long time … I suppose what i am trying to say is how did you get through your memories of the animal rape. Does it still hit you smack in the face or am I just feeling sorrow fro myself and looking for an excuse to feel this way when we recover these memories. To be honest we are more determined to heal than we are to breath at times. I suppose we may push ourself to hard for quick healing. Not sure just wondering to be honest ~ anon

I think the hardest areas of healing are those in which we attach the most shame. For my sister, the animal rape has been the most difficult form of abuse to heal. For me, it was the vaginal rapes. This is because we each felt more shame with our respective areas of abuse.

Don’t get me wrong – the animal rape memories definitely rocked me. In fact, when I experienced my first flashback of the animal rape (while talking on the phone with my sister, who accidentally triggered the memory), I experienced an emotional freefall that I wasn’t sure I would survive. I went into the chat room at Isurvive, and, thankfully, a moderator was there who knew me well. She knew how to talk me down and got me through the night.

I have one friend who knows all, and I would share each memory as it came. I had a very difficult time looking her in the eye after recovering the animal rape memory and even questioned whether there were some forms of abuse that made me subhuman. Fortunately, I had already begun working through my feelings about the vaginal rapes, so I was able to draw from what I had already learned about healing and recognize, once and for all, that nothing that another person does to me has the power to devalue me.

I suspect that is where you are stuck because that was a biggie for me, too. You are a priceless diamond that your abusers buried under a huge pile of manure. Your abusers held a mirror up to you, showed you the manure, and told you that was who you are. However, no amount of manure has the power to devalue the diamond underneath. A diamond is still a diamond and still of immense value whether it is buried under manure or cleaned off and polished. The healing process is how you “unbury” the diamond and polish it.

Today, it does not hurt to talk about the memories. I can even see the breed of dog that was used without getting triggered most of the time. As with all areas of abuse, you can heal from this. You need to recognize that no form of abuse has the power to devalue you. Once you understand that at a heart level, the shame will lose its power over you.

                                                                           -"A story from a long time friend of mine"