;
It’s hard to smile when you’re staring right at the abyss. That black liquid ooze of nothing. That shade of darkness that nothing ever comes out of. I don’t understand why many people find it so scary, when it is everything I’ve been asking for my entire life.
Days pass by without me knowing about it. It’s like I’m not a part of this world, not a part of this existence. People see me and yet they don’t. People that know me and say they understand me, and yet they don’t. The endless lies never stop, the back stabbing, the curb stomping. These are the things that I hate and yet these are the things that make me feel alive. Every cut in my arm feels like a new story, every cut in my leg feels like another daring day. And I know time will come when the cuts are no longer enough and I have to start finding something new.
If there is one thing I know and learned is that human beings are addicted to self-destruction. Even the best of us do it. It is that one thing that makes us feel we are closer to the abyss. Closer to who we are, to the monsters we are meant to be.
The strung of the guitar, the high note on the piano, the screaming of pain and agony, the moan of ecstasy and pleasure. All play in that one final moment in your life when the light in your eyes cease to exist and when your own life becomes not your own. It becomes the collector’s, the one who takes and takes without ever giving back. The one who judges, the one who wears the hearts of those who were pure like a necklace.
One day my life will no longer be mine. One day, all of it will consume me. The darkness hidden deep in my heart will create the abyss that will show itself in front of me. When that day comes I will smile. When that day comes I will rejoice.