You must have heard about the book called 'Secrets'. It says if you yearn for something with your whole mind, body and soul, you'll achieve it surely one day, but with only positive thoughts. I ask myself what do I want.I kept asking, Is it money? Is it career oriented? Is it love? No answer.For days. I dug deeper and there it was. Hiding underneath all my pile of ignored desires. I want my childhood back. Can that happen? Sure. But only in my memories and dreams. I keep dreaming about the house that I spent most years of my childhood in and I wake up both happy and sad at the same time.
Growing up, the thing I most wanted was to grow up fast. Be an adult. No permissions required. No homework. No morning assembly. No yearning for Pizza and burgers all the time and dreaming of stuffing my face to death till my heart's content.I wanted to adult so bad. I thought that I'd be free. There was nothing I was afraid of.Well, to be honest I was afraid of my aunt and my headmistress.But nothing else. Such naivety, such innocence, such childishness.
Now when I am at that 'Dream' point since quite a while now, I regret, I remenisce so much that I am on the verge of tears. Wanting doesn't ever end. All humans do is want and want. All I yearn for now is to go back to that carefree time. To get that innocence back, to again feel like no one can hurt me, to not know how a broken heart feels like, that the world is all good, that my parents can fix anything and everything that would go wrong in my little life. That best friends will keep promises. If given a chance, I want to see my mother and father, younger, healthier, less bent , less wrinkled. I want to kick and scratch my sister without anyone looking, without any reason. I want to feed the pair of mynahs with grains of rice from my plate under the afternoon sun.
Only 29, and I sometimes seem to have given up on this world. It's not all bad but I didn't picture 'This' in my young wishes. I am mentally tired, of the constant rat race, of constantly trying to live upto others expectations of me. There is no saviour, no safe haven. There is no whenever to run, nowhere to hide , or to take shelter in when things go wrong. 'Take responsibility', 'Fix it' , 'Be strong' are the go to phrases. But you know what strength has its limit, expectations too should have limits but the expecting party does not understand this.
There will always be laundry, there will always be dishes to wash. There will be times(which is like all the time) where you have to pretend that 'All is well and handled' especially while talking to your parents so as not to worry them. There will be times when your child is looking dreamily at you and wishing to be an adult soon and you'll have to hold them to your bosom and assure how good the world is and how happy they are going to be. Happiness. That's a fleeting word. That's the word my childhood was filled with. They say happiness is a choice. Yes true , but you know what, sadness isn't.
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