Alone, in the crowd..

Have you ever wanted to be alone?

I've been asked this question so many times, by my friends, my cousins, and now, even the internet! I've always been a bit apprehensive to think about it, maybe because it would force me to look deep inside me and accept things about me that I don't want to. Maybe, just maybe. So today I decided to take the plunge answer this question, honestly. 

I always thought that the feeling of wanting to alone depends on one's personality- are you an introvert, then you must love being alone, are you an extrovert, then you must detest being alone. For reasons, though, I've never been able to classify myself into one category. If people can be ambivert, then I identify with them. So why is it then I always feel the need to be alone? Well, not always, just 90% of the time. I love people, and love being around them. Yet the somewhat desperate need to alone is ever present. 

The reason, I think, is very disappointing. I've come to realize that I am a sort of people pleaser. Even though I may seem to be a loud and confrontational person, who gives it straight as it is, the thought of an argument or disagreement stresses me. And in any social situation conflicts are bound to happen. It may be as small as difference of opinions regarding the best pizza place in the town or as huge as opposing ethics. The thing is these things always stress me out, even though they may not involve me. I am often seen as the joker of the group or the always-laughing-and-happy-go-lucky-person. It is for the same reason. I always try to avoid disagreements and diffuse conflicts. It is very exhausting to be that person. And so, I tend to avoid people and social settings. I prefer to be left alone. 

Have I ever wanted to be left alone? Yes! Most of the days.

It is very cowardly of me to avoid situations that stress me and I might not be able to always avoid them. I understand that. I am trying to change my attitude regarding this 'problem' of mine. In the meanwhile, when people ask me if I like being alone I reply with a hearty yes, stating my Introversion as the reason...

If you ever see me alone in a crowd, now you know why!