More often than not, I feel emotions twice or even thrice than people around me will. I have this tendency of holding on feelings, analyzing it like crystal edges trying to register how it hugs my body. Trying my hardest to decipher whether it makes me sad, happy, tired, or just gasping how it makes me feel in general.
It stays with me for days, never leaving my head as if belongs there since the time it entered my nervous system. You see, I have a complex for sentimental things. Anything that gives off emotions will be relevant even though it actually does not.
Some people say I'm an empath but I guess calling myself such is way too generous. Maybe I'm an empath in one way or another but I tend to transform the energy and emotions I get from other people into negative ones. The kind that eats the soul, hurts the ego, and breaks the mind.
This is where I oftentimes confuse what needs to stay and what needs to be disregarded. This is when my mind will run havoc with instances, images, and situations as if all of it matters. As if I have no choice but to absorb everything into my system, digest, and try to squeeze something out it.
My body had become a place for emotions to feed off. For feelings to attach and make a house on. For anxiety to give birth to doubt, insecurities, and other bad vibes I never needed in the first. That I never have to begin with...
-and since I feel so much more than normal people would, these emotions pound harder. Recks the walls I've built for so long as if they were paper thin, easy, and fragile.
My mind is a dark place. It's somewhere even myself never want to stay in.I'd rather skip it, look past it but honestly, who am I fooling? It is impossible to overlook such enticing part, the beckon of all emotions, mother of all the shit I think of. For someone like me, it's a place too surreal, ideal, tempting even.
I am feeling emotions more than I should be and it's almost driving me crazy at some point. Low voices sounded loud and clear as an insult. Loud voices echo like bombs going off all at the same time.
Ignored messages feel rejection and broken glass against my chest. Staring eyes will always feel like darts aimed at my direction. All of these and more, those in the back closet of my mind will always look, sound, and feel ten times it should be. There's no exit door yet. Alteast none for someone like me who holds painful memories and happy thoughts as if they belong in the same category. There's no cure for someone like me, at least none for now. Until I learn to let go and the bad things and not mind the agitated flares beyond the emotions coming my way, I'll be floating above insanity and clam waters, trying to stay alive and breathing.
I feel emotions twice or even thrice than normal people would thus this is no brainer...I can, hopefully, push harder than someone would. With double the emotions in my head, I can, hopefully, find a faster route out of this chaos. I have a weary heart but it is one that can be positive and hopeful at times. I have a heart that feels emotions, energies and intangible aura from people around me...feel it deeply and transform it, hopefully to optimistic thoughts, and to be honest, that short moonlight is enough since I have more than the usual of the fuel in my gasp.
Since I'm an empath of some sort.